no turning back, no turning back...

as i look back on this road i've travelled

i see so many times You've carried me through

and if there's one thing that i know in my life:

my Redeemer is faithful and true!


* * *

the past few months, especially the past few weeks, have been a great milestone in my life. i've come to terms with so many things within myself and with other people - issues that i didn't know existed before, or that i ignored. just thought i'd take some time to reflect and note down some of the main things now, so that time won't blur these precious memories and decisions. it's gonna be a really long post though... so you don't HAVE to read

some things that caused self understanding and growth:

1. The Ultimate Road Trip 2004

- opened up a whole new realm of opportunities for me, and made me acutely aware of the passion God has placed in me for sharing His love

- brought a whole new circle of friends into my life - friends i can't believe i've only known for a mere 8 months, who have gone through this major decision with me, and been such a big part of my life!

the journey was just beginning...

2. metamorphosis 2004

- i had no expectations of the camp except fear about having to teach my first class. but i thank God for the experience, and for using me to influence their lives

- more than that, i was greatly encouraged and inspired by Dave Park, who spoke during the night sessions. i was reminded and affirmed of my worth, and my need to forgive others and love the Lord with a pure heart.

3. sss worship (the day after meta ended)

- i was amazed and excited by the fire that had swept through the lives of those who attended meta. i saw the passion for God that had been fanned into flame in their hearts. standing at the back of the chapel and watching them lead a worship session for which they had had prayed and practiced for hours for the day before, i was really moved to tears.

- at that point, i began to question if i was serving in the right ministry in church (worship), especially now as i had no choir, and thus no link to this age group. i really identify with their struggles and i love spending time with them and being a mentor to them.

4. concert at woodlands evangelical free church

- i was swept away by the passion and unity i saw among the youth when i was part of a concert there. many of them touched my life in a very special way, and renewed my excitement for the youth ministry in Singapore!

- i also made a few new friends, and i'm enjoying getting to know them more! ;b

5. forerunner retreat

- i learned so much here it's hard to summarise. suffice to say i discovered that a lot of work frustrations i had were partly my fault (and partly not), and that i needed to actively make my opinions heard, but speaking it in love.

- really really enjoyed meeting colin, who came down to help us during this time. although i didn't really get to 'know' him as a friend, i felt so loved, accepted and understood by him (totally platonic!) and i found that it was easier for me to then love and accept everyone else in that same manner.

6. boundaries

- i began reading the book boundaries. oh man... it shattered so many misconceptions that i had and so many barriers that i'd set up for myself. i really really recommend this book!

- it helped me to 'own' my decision about what i do with my life

- it helped me to see where i am lacking. for those of you who might have read it, i fall into the category of compliant and manipulative controller. heh heh... ok it's not AS BAD as it sounds...

7. talked out my issues at work with my very understanding colleagues

- enough said.

8. talk with lisa (wife of mike, a colleague)

- without giving me any answers, she kind of helped in making me think through a lot of questions and process my own answers.

- realised that i am valuable to FR. i really had been feeling like i couldn't contribute in a lot of areas due to my personality or skills, but she somehow reminded me that it takes all sorts. =)

- also realised i had no concrete reason for not going full-time. it was like i was just waiting for God to do something BIG so i would be sure. but as i've not seen, He was leading me all along, just in small little steps...

9. study of romans 8 in cell group

- after all that head bashing and information overload, it was God who convicted me that He IS sovereign and yet i DO have free will, and i don't need to know how that goes together...

- and i think He really really wanted me to realise that He is really really sovereign for a purpose. He wanted me to take a good hard look at my life. which i did. =)

years ago...
- The Real Gift concert at my church - my very first encounter with forerunner. a close friend of mine accepted Christ at that concert (i only found out recently!)

2000 - joined ntu ccc. just BECAUSE they were the first Christian group that approached me at the eca fair. and they were friendly

2001
- went to japan for mission trip. fell in love with the culture and people

- during the end-of-year camp, commited my life to serving God full-time, possibly in japan.

2002 - wanted to go japan again, but my parents said no. decided to lose this 'war'

- wondered if i had made a too-emotional decision about full-time the year previously...

2003
- wanted to go japan again - SARS struck

- FR performed in ntu and i was the student ic. was 'star-struck' when i first met them but tried to act 'cool'. was really moved by the Forgiven video they showed in the concert.

- various staff began challenging me to consider full-time. in the face of their very well-meant pressure, i backed off and avoided thinking about it. planned to go into the wedding business or events.

2004
- signed up for The Ultimate Road Trip, thinking it was going to Tokyo - but guess what? - it didn't. heh... experience music and mission

- FR came to my church for v-day concert. while they were eating lunch just outside the sanctuary, i talked to simon for a while, and i felt like he was really genuine. oh and the gals looked WAAAAY cool =D (ok just fyi these are NOT the main reasons i'm joining hor...)

- went for TURT

- watched the forgiven video 8 times on trip, each time brought moved me to tears. saw the incredible impact of our message of God's love on our audiences.

- signed up for STINT

- saw the power of music and the great need once again in East Asia and local schools

- realised that i needed to step out of worship ministry in church as i felt more and more that i was not suited to that ministry. even though it's music, and i love music, it wasn't right for me. i needed to be out of the situation to know for sure.


10. meeting with uni friends

- i enjoyed catching up with them. but more than that, i realised that the path i've taken is vastly different, yet so similar. we all share the frustrations of office politics, deadlines, budgets and unmet (and often unrealistic) dreams. yet i will never be able to fully explain the pain of letting go a wonderful but too-expensive pair of shoes, and the joys of knowing someone has crossed over from death and life to 'live the life they never had before'!

- concluding thought: i cannot work in a job where the ultimate aim is profits. sure there are politics everywhere, and other work difficulties, but i wouldn't be able to handle that in the long run. i would become disillusioned, jaded, unhappy with life and ... basically... feel like i was working towards... well, nothing!

- please don't get me wrong. i believe that profts are a very necessary part of society, and i admire people who can work in that area and yet remain true to God and themselves, and still find meaning in their life. i'm just saying that i can't.


* * *

yeah... so after all THAT... i've decided to go on staff with forerunner full time. i will probably be waiting until my STINT year is up in July, so that these few months i can spend time reinforcing and affirming this decision. would greatly appreciate your prayers! i really really thank all my supporters and friends who have been praying for me. really love you guys! and gals!


last of all... here are some verses that i've read over the past few weeks, that reminded me to look back on my life and get the answers i was seeking from there:

"For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?"
Isaiah 14:27

"Have you not heard? Long ago I ordained it. In days of old I planned it; now I have brought it to pass..."
Isaiah 37:26

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you."
Isaiah 43:5

"Yet what is due me is in the Lord's hand, and my reward is with my God."
Isaiah 49:4

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labour on what does not satisfy?"
Isaiah 55:2

"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."
Jeremiah 6:16