even if...

last night was a rather tearful night. no, nothing big happened - nothing earth shattering or anything like that.

it was just a reasonless fear that struck me out of nowhere, while i was in my church prayer meeting. i was suddenly gripped with fear of the future. about the uncertainties that i am facing, regarding full time, regarding church ministry, regarding family...

i know - i believe - that part of it was spiritual warfare. because i have never - NEVER - felt so afraid before.

i have always been, and still am i hope, one who errs on the side of 'rashness', in the sense that i always want to say 'let's go for it!' at times when everyone else is bothered by the financial or other implications or costs. i'm all for the "do-the-best-you-can-do-and-do-everything" mentality. kind of like grasping the nettle no matter how much it hurts.

this kind of mentality was evident in the way i handled choir and thepast events that we have done, and how i tackle responsibilities and decisions at work too. so it's really not "me" to feel fearful suddenly.

i guess the main things i was fearful about were:

1. my calling

i have a whole list of reasons of why i feel God is leading me full time, and why ForeRunner in particular. yet... i can't help but wish i could have some certain calling. you know, like some people have a calling verse, or see a vision, or have people tell them they were praying for labourers and their name popped into their minds... that kinda thing?

well, i don't have that. and it used to be okay... like i feel like this is where i belong.

but what if... what if i am wrong? i could be.

2. support raising

i am suddenly even more aware of the implications of support raising as a way of life. i do enjoy meeting up with supporters, and the whole atmosphere of trust and dependance of God that comes through living in such a way. but as i look at the huge amount i have to raise for my upcoming trips, and the $1000 monthly more that i would need to raise when i join full-time, it is daunting. and very scary.

but i have seen God provide. i have seen God work - surely He will provide for me... right?

i have seen many friends and fellow colleagues go through really tough times, when their support isn't reached for months in a row. when they have to struggle to make ends meet, especially when they have families to look after, bills to pay... yet they press on in their service.

can i do that, if and when the time comes?


* * *

oh, but how blessed am i! God truly knew my heart. He understands my struggle so completely. even before a word was on my tongue or in my heart, He knew it full well. (Psalms 139)

this morning, i was able to spend an hour or so just praying and writing in my journal. and i actually, at one point, wrote this:

"I selfishly pray and believe that You will enable me to reach my full support as a confirmation of my decision. Not as a sign. But as a mark of approval, of encouragement, of support, of affirmation. Only by Your grace.

Not my will, but Your's be done. Not by my strength, but by Your Spirit."

i didn't feel like reading my Bible after that, but i thought, nvm lah, just read. after all daily reading is a discipline, a choice - not only when i want to right?

(for those who dunno, i embarked on a plan to read the whole Bible at the end of 2003. along the way i staganated a few times, but since last TURT, i thank God for helping me consistently read one or two chapters a day)

so anyway, knowing that, you can imagine how some days i may read more chapters and some days one, some days none =b ... so i really see every day's reading as my passage for the day, to think about and to ponder over. and i believe each day's passage is not by chance.

today's passage turned out to be daniel 3.

v 17-18: if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O King. BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the images of gold you have set up.

v 28: They trusted in him and defied the king's command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God.


words really cannot express how amazed i am to read this passage! it was truly an encouragement and a challenge. it was like God was speaking to me directly - in a way i haven't felt for a long time.

that He is able to save - He is able to direct my paths; he is able to provide for all my needs. but even if he does not, that does not lessen his ability to do so, nor should it rock my faith in Him.

God is calling for 'even-if' faith - faith that trusts in Him to do the impossible, yet does not base its foundations on that, but on His unchanging, insurpassable character, wisdom, strength and love. faith that stands in awe of God's power and sovereignity.

God can choose to give me a 'calling verse' or a dream. but even if He does not, am I willing to take this step of faith and commit my life to full-time ministry in ForeRunner? He can choose to bless me abundantly financially. but even if He does not, am i willing to trust Him to work all things for my good?