chased the monday blues away...

yesterday evening was an all-time low for me. but today is a lot better. =)

shall elaborate a bit...

well, most of yesterday was incredible and awesome. i got to go to the rockies (mountain) with the andersons. it was a loooong drive up to the top, but it was fun too, and very educational, cos lisa gave a running commentary of the areas we were passing thru - montane, sub-alpine and alpine - and the kind of rocks and rivers and glaciers and streams we were passing by. the road was really narrow and winding though! i'm sure i would never have had the guts to drive up in a million years!

anyway, at the top, it was really nice and chilly. we had lunch at the visitor's centre, which is like a log-cabin thingy with a restaurant, shop and restrooms. i had chilli dog - which turned out not to be singapore type chilli, but chilli sauce, which means beans and gravy =b - and a ben and jerry's 'chocolate cookie dough' cup =) yummm...

then we walked up this really long but (thank God!) gradual slope that led to the summit, and the wind was CRAZY fierce up there! literally felt like i could be blown away! hee hee... it was fun though... my ears and hands got really cold. *brrr*

took lots of pics up there, windswept hair and all, but we didn't spent too long there cos it was hard to breathe cos the air is really thin at that altitude (about 12000+ feet above sea level) so down we went back to the car... and drove along another windy road. to...

A SNOW PARK!!!

yes!!! i saw snow!!! =) heh heh... it was so cool to finally see snow for the very first time in my life. =) true, it's old snow, remnants of the huge glaciers of winter time... but still, it was fairly white and verrry cold (no mittens) and very surreal, with the hot sun beating down on ur heads. heh...

cold and hot - all at the same time. =)

i made a leetle itty-bitty snowman-lette =) ha... got a pic of that! and also had a snowball fight with the anderson kids. =b but my aiming wasn't too good. i got hit more... sigh... =b

after that we went to a nature trail somewhere at the midpoint of the mountain, before we left for home. another long drive, and this was a bit headachy, i guess, cos we were tired, and the kids were being a bit naughty. heh...

anyways...

reached my 'house' and bid farewell. and stepped into... an empty house.

the rest of the staff had gone to a dessert buffet organised by one of the europe ministries.

immediately i just felt so drained. so tired and weary suddenly. like my dream day had come to my end; like my bubble had been burst, and i was back to reality...

u know the feeling? yeah...

the feelings of weariness were compounded by the fact that i suddenly felt really sad that, after this trip, i might not see the andersons for another 4 years... which means sweet lil kevin will be a young dashing lad of 16!!! i just felt like... oh man, it's really bum-my that i won't see them grow up and go thru life... that kinda thing...

and i felt so abandoned by all the singaporean staff. like (ok i know it's really not their fault or intention) i felt that they had all walked out on me. that i didn't fit in. that i never will... that kinda thing. like maybe we're on different wavelengths cos of our different ministries and all... or something

then because i was already in such a mellow mood, i also started thinking again about how unsure i suddenly am about coming on staff. so many "what-ifs" clouding my brain, so many uncertainties, so many potential pitfalls, so many fears... and i kinda just crumpled a bit...like just curled up in my room and got depressed and wallowed in self pity and fears for a long while.

...

but finally, i decided it was silly and childish to let my emotions get the better of me. i decided i needed to talk to someone, so i called the andersons, but they didn't pick up. somehow that just made me sadder... sigh...

so i decided to bathe...

well after bathing, the house was not empty anymore - i could hear voices. turned out a group of american and korean staff were having a mtg in out dining room. hmmm... so i didn't really wanna intrude them. so now i really felt like so lost and alone...

and i tried to get online to chat with mel, but the darn wireless connection was down! of all days! oh man... i felt so screwed.... urgh

well, the sky here turns dark only about 9pm, so, it was about 7. so i decided, what the heck, i'll go for a walk on my own! so i left the house... armed with my wallet, sweater and phone. me against the world =b

as i was walking out the gate, i suddenly thot, maybe i'll just try calling the andersons again. so i did, and YAY! lisa picked up! heh... so she said to just come on over... =) so i did.

really thank God for lisa. i think i really really needed to let all my emotions out. all my fears and frustrations and uncertainties and sadness and... stuff.

she really really listened to me, and the best part was she didn't tell me if i was being right or wrong in having these feelings. like i wasn't made to feel guilty or silly for having all these emotions. i just felt safe and like i could share. so that was really good...

lisa said this is all satan's ploy to disarm me. and u know what, as i think about it, maybe she's right. i mean... it COULD be just me, but probably a part of all this raw and negative emotions are his doing. hmmmm... so, it was good to have that perspective. and to hear her say it's going to be ok...

it was good to cry. without feeling like i had to mop up or restrain myself or explain why i am so ridiculously emotional...

so. anyway... after that, i went back and had the best sleep i've had since i... well since i found out about staying in...

i know my fears are still there. and one by one, i need to process them. but having lisa there made a huge difference to me. i dun think i will ever forget that night!

today i went for morning worship, led by the american TURTers. =) really cool people and great time. then john piper gave a talk on the gospel. it was really good to be fed a lot of food for thought. i think such messages are good - once in a while. to make u think.=)

but what really inspired me was the second speaker, who was the CD of new mexico university. he shared about all the risks he and his staff team have taken over the years on their campus, and how God has come thru for them time after time. it was really so encouraging and heart-warming to see the passion and vision he has!

at the end of the morning, surprise surprise! we each got a free Bible and a book (Desiring God by John Piper) sponsored by crossways publications. hee... apparently, every day, we'll be getting stuff like that! =) heh... so i'm thinking i might need an extra bag to lug it all home! hee...

after lunch at wendy's with the campus staff, i went to the keynote showcase of three of their bands. AWESOME! heh... chasins elvis, blue sky nine and dave pendleton's ventriloquist act. yeah... i really enjoyed the hour plus there. it was so cool to see them play and sing their hearts out and to hear about how God has used them in campuses around the world.

yeah... so now i am in mike's room, typing this. cos te campus staff are at an evening seminar that i dun have to go to, and that i decided not to go to cos it's not a topic that really interests me. i think later sara and carl will be picking us up for ice cream =) hee... yay...

thank u for ur prayers. i feel a lot better... just trying to tackle things one at a time. =)

i do miss singapore...