it's not supposed to be about ME

from my previous post: "As a woman, you don't need to strive or arrange, you don't need to make it happen. You only need to respond. Granted - Cinderella's response took immense courage, courage that came only out of a deep desire to find the life her heart knew it was meant for."

i feel confused. i don't feel courageous at all...

i KNOW that God has a plan for my life. and He has given me some passions and desires that really drive me in the choices i make. there is beauty to unveil, adventures to seek, relationships to enjoy...

and yet, why do i keep getting bogged down by ruts in the path? i feel like, as soon as i feel "Yes, this is what God has created me for. this is what He has been showing me over the past few weeks/months/years", then i hit a rut and get thrown off track.

and then after a while, God picks me up, helps me back onto the track, and gives me a vision of the exciting destination ahead.

until the next rut.

take today for example. the day started out great! i was all excited about the plans we would make.

and then... things for confusing. perspectives were different. priorities too. i felt like i wanted to 'stand up' for my passions. and yet maybe it's wrong. so it was like a tug of war in my heart, dunno what to say, what to feel.

frustrated that i let myself get dragged down. one depressing thought untackled fuels more to come. sigh...

i feel like a spoilt brat, wanting my opinion to be heard, for my excitement to be felt. but i've learnt that excitement isn't as contagious as i'd thought =b or as important, when you look at the practical side of things.

i really want things to happen! i really want to pursue those passions!

but...

i'm not operating alone, and i've got to learn to deal with that. cheerfully.

and yet, i feel reminded that "Jesus entrusted himself to God, regardless of the response (of the people). God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share and give in our weaknesses. He wants us to offer the beauty that He has given us even when we are keenly aware that it is not all that we wish it were. He wants us to trust Him."

even though i may only a glimmer of a hope that my dreams will become reality, even though i may feel so inadequate to make it happen, or even doubt whether it is what God wants to happen, God wants me to hold on to that desire, and to trust Him to somehow channel that passion into other things for Him, or to eventually bring the dream to fruition.

so, i'm somewhat comforted by that knowledge that this is another opportunity for me to learn to really trust God, that He is King of all the manpower and resources on the face of the earth, and that if He wants something to happen, He will make it happen. =)

just like Love A Kepala.