a new perspective

just had a chat with pat, in light of the feelings of my recent blog post.

God, you didn't give me this passion to just give up like that. right?

well, maybe You did. maybe it's a lesson in surrendering for me.

but also...

maybe it's a chance to stretch my faith. to truly put my hope in You.

i'm afraid of auditioning. afraid of failing. especially because i know people will think "i knew it" or "i told you so". i feel so small and insecure suddenly. and it's scary cos i don't want to practice and practice, and then be told "you're not good enough".

ironic, isn't it?

the theme of TURT was "what makes me somebody?" i feel like i'm learning that now. in a whole new light.

what makes me somebody?

do i need to be told i'm good, that i'm 'enough' to feel significant?

or is Your approval enough for me?

honestly, two years ago, my confidence was shattered two TURTs ago. i thought i had dealt with those feelings, but i know now there are still remnants drifiting around in my heart. little shards of glass that can suddenly pierce the soul.

but God, You are the God who heals. the God who hears. the God who cares.

i know that i can run to You and find comfort in Your arms. i can read psalm 139 and know that i AM wonderfully and uniquely made.

YOU make me somebody. =)