life change doesn't come easy

the past few weeks have been chockful of activities, deadlines, stresses, conflicts, decisions... in some ways, it's been a bit of a blur, but i know God has been really chiselling into my heart through this time.

i say 'chisel' cos that's an analogy i got from a bill lawrence talk i heard last year. he was sharing that, a lot of the time, the journey from the head to the heart is a painful one. because our hearts are often hardened to the Truth, or to what God wants to say to us. so God, as the Master Scuptor, has to use His chisel to 'break' our hearts, so that the truth can 'drop in'.

i feel like i'm being 'chiselled'.

mentally i'm being stretched in more ways than i've been used to. tasks and responsibilities and people's feelings and stewardship of resources to juggle. i'm learning that the peace of God really can guard my heart and mind, and take away the load of feeling so anxious about the next bump in the road.

socially, it's not my 'thing' to be surrounded by people every day. i miss times of solitude and just 'doing my own thing' and not having to think for others. so sunday was a welcome day of rest for me. we had work that night, so i spent the morning at home, woke up late, climbed stairs (my new form of exercise on hot hot days), tied about 40 ribbons on my helpers' gifts =) and then finally changed and went off for the TURT showcase that evening.

physically, i'm tired. lack of sleep, and what sleep i do have, i take very long to get to. ie, i take very long to sleep cos of all the thoughts swimming around in my head. not just related to TURT but to wedding plans too, what-ifs etc... but through the nights of fretting, and sometimes tears, i've had no choice but to turn to God, and to share all that i'm feeling with melvyn too.

emotionally, i'm exhausted. but also freed. a bit hard to explain... the pace and intensity of my emotions has left me feeling drained, but also amazed that i CAN feel that much, and that God can handle each one as it comes and i lump it on Him. phil 4:6-7 has more meaning for me these past few weeks, and i feel so thankful that i have Someone who truly understands me, at times when i feel so misunderstood, unappreciated, unworthy, unlovely.

He dances over me, nevertherless =)

so, spiritually, i feel like i have finally experienced what it's like to 'cling' to God, to rest in the shadow of His wings. i have a taste of what that's like, and it's scary, cos it's a scary world out there. but it's safe, too, to watch that world from His protective embrace, and to know that all that really can't touch me.