wrestling with emotions... for now
yeah, after the very high past fortnight or so, i'm back to reality now. and so i've suddenly got to deal with the plateful of emotions that i've been grappling with for the past few weeks. esp last week. just didn't have the energy or desire to process until now...
disclaimer: if any of my colleagues are reading this, dun be alarmed... i am trying to deal with these feelings in a positive manner that will not cause any tension or issues etc =) heh
well firstly i feel kinda sad. sad that maybe i'm not cut out to be a 'performer'. i mean, sure God can use the weak to speak His message; sure He can use me to touch lives... but am i the best woman for the job? after the past few weeks, i'm not so sure. i mean, i'll admit i do still depend to a certain extent on what others think of me, and whether i meet their standards. which is why us doing this whole program on 'acceptance' has been really impactful for me personally =) but i do know that many times i dun meet those expectations. even though people may say it's ok, as someone recently told me, no one's going to in-your-face say "you suck!" when we're all supposed to be a loving Christian community right?
i guess what i'm saying is that sometimes i feel doubtful about whether what people tell me is really true, or if they are (thank you) being diplomatic or nice... and yet i want people to be deiplomatic, cos i can't quite take the direct feedback/criticism so well either... so... it's a bit messy i know...
the other thing i'm feeling is resentment. and this i'm really really trying to deal with first, cos i know it can be dangerous to harbour ill feelings and not work on resolving them. so maybe i'll talk to sara abt it sometime. dun think i should share TOO much specifics about this... it's just... well, maybe i'm over-sensitive... but i feel like no one but me is excited for the new acappella group. just little things that people say or dun say or do or dun do... i feel like... other bands, other projects, other people's dreams are crowding the centrestage and pushing my 'baby' away.
i guess it's wrong of me to feel this way... and i do know that its not too healthy... so...i am praying that God will help me make sense of all these feelings. and do pray, along with me, that He will really bless this acappella project. there's a lot i dunno how to do or i feel i can't do... but with Him, all things are possible, right? =)
* * *
Jesus knows we'll never be good enough to earn our way to him
so on Calvary He sacrificed for you and i that all who believe may have eternal life
we're FORGIVEN, no matter what we've done
forgiven, and sheltered by His blood
and we're given the chance to go on living
we're given the life that we could never have before
posted by :: dotz :: @ 11:06 PM
5 Comments
5 Comments:
Dotz, appreciate your sharing your heart. You're right, soem things, like gas, are better out than in. =]
Just want you to know I understand how you feel, cos I'm no stranger to facing and grappling with some of those thots and feelings myself (tho the issues they came from are diff). Praying for you.
Recently (b4 the BKK trip), I cam across this quote which made a lotof sense to me:
"God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."
So what if others seem more cut out and talented, YOU got the job! (And God gave it to ou personally.)
2 Cor 3:5,6 (in fact read the whole of chap 3!)
So dun be too quick to write yourself off God's list, ya?... you, like me, and any one else God's called to min... our best are AHEAD OF US!
Dotz sis,
I understand entirely wot u meant about comments given by pple....Whether it's political or wot...Me too, sometime doubted many of good comments given to me by others. I think wot matters most, is wot u have done on stage has impacted many pple watching. Remember Huat soon??? Ur hardwork and performing talent piece together a media where God used to speak to him. I think by looking at this, u have already proven your abilities as a performer.
POSITVE Comments
I like to think that when pple gave comments, it's really heartfelt...
Negative Comments
I recalled my last year playing at Uni Meta worship band. The E guitarist of the other worship band came to me and say " your playin suck" and it hurt me really alot even until now too. i dunno whether deep in my heart i got forgive him or not, but it really really cuts like a knife....big time....
I think wot matters most, is that God has seen it all.... He has witnessed and appreciated your every moment every ounce of effort to give your 2 cents worth. Amen?
Last but not least, My heartfelt comment:
Dorothea Xu, you are really good performer, no joke...i am not saying this to make u feel better...I really like your voice and the idea you have in the arrangements of the songs...I sincerely wish to perform with u onstage again.
Ur bro
ZP
by the way, I really really really really love the way you sing the song Jesus Knows. First time i hear you sing it, it's like you were made for the song. YOu are THE person to minister through that song lor! Thought I'd let you know.
Performing can be easier. All you have to be is jus truthful. Have truth in everything you do. Then it won't be performing, just being.
thanks you all. so sweet... aw *touched* i guess, like Sharon always says, in the end the message of acceptance becomes most important to the message givers! =)
All things work together for His glory..
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