a broken spirit and a contrite heart, You will not despise

these past 3 days have been qutie tiring physically. attending a 3-day seminar by Dr Bill Lawrence on Christian leadership formation. the tiring bit is having to be here at 8am (1 hour plus travel) and having night time rehearsals for an upcoming conference in Malaysia that we are leading worship at.

but the 'meat' during the conference has more than made up for it! i must confess there were times when i was really too tired to think properly or process as much as i'd like to... but never once did i feel bored or restless for more than a minute. =b heh.

it's been a good time of deep soul searching, heart wrenching and surrender. as we looked into our family history and culture, at the values we hold on to, at the kind of leader we think is 'good', i've come to see many not so nice things about my heart, and how it has got that way.

how do we measure 'good leadership'? for me, even though i might not admit it, or even think i think it most of the time, success is the main criteria. to accomplish the task well, to be productive and effective, to be clear and focused, to communicate well, to encourage my team effectively.

but as i'm coming to realise these few days, this kind of success is not how God measures His leaders. no - true leadership is in the attitude of the HEART, and in total TRUST and reliance on God.

why then do i have this drive to succeed, whether in results or in terms of making myself look good in the eyes of others?

i guess a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and with culture. we are told by parents, by teachers, by the media, by the government - study smart, study hard, aim high, set goals, never give second best.

in and of itself, these things are not 'wrong'. but the problem lies in making these things mantras for our lives, as i think i often do in mine. when the drive to get the highest grades, to produce the coolest newsletter, to not let any balls fall through the cracks - supersedes my reliance on God, my trust in His purposes and plans for me, and His sovereignty.

but God's kind of leader is not driven by the need to succeed. He knows, deep in his heart, convictedly, that God loves him whether or not he succeeds or fails at the task. that He is a blessed child of God. that God is on HIS side, and FOR him, and that God's plans are in motion, to shape him into the kind of person He wants him to be.

so, this is just one of the issues (one of the main ones) that has been brought up during this conference, and there are many more for me, and for my team, to wrestle with. it gets pretty emotional draining, but i know it's good. so... more wrestling ahead!