hard to let go

today at church i sat between my wonderful cousins sharon and mark. something i haven't done for... a long time. (mark's been in the US for exchange) and suddenly, smack in the middle of the sermon, as sharon and i huddled together under her trusty green blankie (my church can get freeeeezzzzinggg....) i engulfed by a wave of sadness.

it's not new. been having such waves hit me quite a bit recently. i know it's part of this transitioning process. sigh... wish it wasn't so hard though.

it's about leaving my friends, who have seen me grow up. they saw me at my absolute worst, spoilt-bratness and grumpiness. they heard me venting exam stress on the piano at church. they laughed at my childish antics. they hugged me at my grandfather's funeral 9 years ago. they shared their crushes with me, as i did with them. we giggled together about me having a wedding planned with no groom in sight! we studied together outside the vineyard on the second floor, and got distracted half the time by bridge, gossip and encouragement cards.

so many memories. some happy and some sad, but all treasured, and all have shaped me to who i am, what i believe, and who i count as my friends today...

so. it breaks my heart to think of leaving. i know we can still meet up and have coffee and shop and watch movies and share... but somehow, it won't be the same. sigh...

what's scary, too, is the thought of starting from scratch all over again in a new church. it's not that i think people will be cold or anything, but it's just having to establish new relationships again. i dun find it very easy, even though i'm supposed to be high "I". it does drain me somewhat. to have to remember that they don't know the 'past' me. the 'me' that has changed and grown and evolved over the years. the little 5 year old me and the guy-crazy teenage me and the highly stressed JC me.

the REAL me...

i'm scared that i wil 'lose' myself. that i will pretend to be someone i'm not to gain acceptance or approval from my new friends. and i don't want to be like that. i was like that once before, but not for a quite a while now. i don't want to be a changing chameleon.

i know God is using the process to grow me. i know that He will bring new treasured friends into my life. i know that He is not going to leave me stranded. like what yk said today, i guess i need to keep on trusting in His goodness and sovereignty, not allow my experiences to cloud or change my perspective of who He is and what He is doing. i know He cares for me, and He will carry me through.

change is never easy, but it's the only constant in life, isn't it? =)