my attempt at new year resolutions

i say 'attempt', because i've only done this twice in my life (surprisingly), and both times it didn't quite work out the way i had hoped. heh. but here goes...

1. i want to learn to love unconditionally.

my family, my friends, my colleagues... but most of all my dear melvyn.

over this japan trip, i saw the ugly side of myself. selfishness, pride, spoilt-bratness, whininess etc... i see how far my 'love' falls short of what i had dreamed i would be like, or how i dream perfect love should be. and as i just read on my friend's blog, i was so moved by the kind of unconditional love she has learnt to give to her bf of several years.

i know time is factor, and i have many more years to know him more and learn how to love more true-ly. but i do hope that, in the months leading up to our wedding, i will make more effort to accept and love him for who he is, and appreciate even more the acceptance and love he has given to me.


2. i want to explore new territory

no, i'm not about to switch jobs.

it's just that, reading from another friend's blog about how a childrens' camp transformed her perspective on life, and witnessing another friend's recent decision in going overseas to study nursing, and even hearing how an older friend once put all her reservations and fears on the side to go serve in India... i am challenged.

i want to do more this year. explore more, step out in faith...

not for the sake of 'doing more', but simply because i've seen and heard that such roads lead to much growth, and i want to grow.

it's a scary resolution to make though. but here i go, trusting God for more.


3. i want to be bolder in love

i want to say 'i love you' more.

not to mel - i think i say that a lot to him, and i mean it! =b - but to family and colleagues, friends and enemies.

i think it's partly a result of how i was brought up, but i've never found it easy to say 'i love you' to most people. especially when they are my relatives.

why am i scared? I guess saying those three little words have always made me feel a bit afraid of what the response will be like. like "if you really love me, you wouldn't make me worry about you over so and so..." or "oh.... er... i love you too?" or just an awkward silence as the other party struggles to understand what motive i have in suddenly coming out with such a bombshell. heh

So - to my grandma who is 3 years away from her 90th birthday... to my aunty who has always supported me in whatever i do, and who even now is researching on ways to make the perfect wedding cake... to my cousins who willingly allowed themselves to go on shopping trips with me to search for their dress for walking down the aisle... to my friends who accept me for who i am... to those that don't accept me for who i am... to my colleagues who encourage me, or frustrate me, at different times of the day... to my friends who are slaving over my ang pow box and invitation cards and special item...to my brother whose neutral expression, i've learnt, is a lot more sullen than he actually is (heh)... to my dad who insists on staying up when i come back late, just so he knows i got home safe... to my mum who wakes up at 4AM (i'm not kidding!) every morning to make breakfast and boil water and do her QT before the rest of us wake up...

I LOVE YOU! =)

lastly...

4. i want to journal more...

i've always known the value of writing my thoughts down on paper. and since the beginning of uni, when i was first introduced to the concept of journaling, i have seen a total of 6 journals pass between my fingertips.

but as i look back at last year's entries, i realised that i have 'fallen'. my journals used to be pages long, with long entries on days when someone said something mean about me, or when i had a huge crush on some unattainable guy... but looking at last year's stuff, i was surprised to see how short many of the entries have been. some as short as just a few sentences.

now i'm not measuring the richness of my life by the length of my journal. it's not just that.

i guess i question 'why?' my entries have gone so sparse. and as i think about it, i think the main reason is just complacency.

in a sense, i've got 'my man', i've got my 'dream job' (for the most part), i've got no more exams to gripe about... life, it seems, is a lot simpler/easier/less interesting.

and yet i know that the year has NOT been smooth sailing. that several times i've comtemplated giving it all up for a life of decadence and crime, or felt unappreciated or disappointed with myself or others... so why is all that emo not given the pagination it deserves?

sheer laziness, me thinks.

so... i hope that this coming year, as i have bought myself a hot pink journal (to match a brown one i got for mel. hee), i will make full use of it. not just for the 6 months leading up to my wedding, but long after... that i will remember the solace and wisdom words from past journals have given me, and i will be motivated to continue this tradition of penning my thoughts and feelings and hurts and joys, on PAPER. i will try to be honest, to be real - not simply hiding my anxieties and struggles under holy statements of how i should feel or what the Bible says - to be completely transparents with myself and with God.

here's to many more ink-covered journal pages and memories in the months and years ahead!