grappling with who i really am

recently i've made a lot of self discoveries.

i realise that i love structure. i love plans. i love looking at systems and schedules and deadlines and lists of to-dos (hee, some people prob going like huh?!)

but i don't like it when people tell me what to do. i don't like it when they tell me why my plan is lacking, or what loopholes there are. i feel ashamed when i don't meet my own lofty expectations.

i realise that i need routine. i need to know that every morning, i will brush my teeth and change before stepping into the kitchen to get my morning coffee. i need to always put my make-up on before i comb my hair. and when i cut my nails, i need to start with the thumbs and big toes always. i guess in that sense, i'm a pretty methodical person.

another area i crave routine is in work. i need to know what my 'main role' was. i need to feel centered and secure, to know my place in the company.

but i need change too. i can't stand doing the same thing every day. i can't work with the same people (even if i love them to bits!) all the time. and i rarely hold on to any clothes for longer than 5 years - normally after 5 years it gets relegated to Salvation Army.

i realise i like practicality. i like planning out my budgets and finances, and knowing that my other half is doing the same. i like saving on my lunches, and bringing a water bottle with me, so that i have more in my piggy bank to spend on a rainy day, or on some special gift or to give to someone who needs it.

but i like being spontaneous as well. like running through the rain without a care in the world occassionally. or buying a totally frivolous vintage frock that i may only wear once or twice in my lifetime. or buying mel a present when i feel like it. and it love it when he also randomly does something nice for me. makes me feel special =)

a person of contradictions - that's what my boss said.

i guess i am =b