sometimes you don't need to mask pain

it's tiring to be real.

after i failed my driving test, i was very encouraged by my colleagues who messaged me notes of cheer and hope and hugs. =)

i hit a pole during the reverse ramp.

it was a terrible morning. felt helpless and frustrated most of the time before the test, but i decided to just do my best. (for those who want details of WHY i was frustrated you can ask me personally) anyway, so i hit the pole.

it was my fault. no doubt about that. i'm not saying i didn't make a mistake.

but it would have been nice to have a more compassionate tester. one can always hope...

what really was the 'last straw' was that, after finding out i had failed, i came downstairs to find myself stranded. my bag and lap top were all in my instructor's car, cos i was supposed to meet him after the test in the lobby.

no handphone. no wallet. no numbers in my memory, except for home and mel. no friend's shoulder to cry on.

i'm sure people walking past me were shocked at my grief. i just stood there and cried. and peered through my veil of tears to find a chair to sit on. sigh.

after waiting about 15 min, i was sure my instructor was not coming back. i thought maybe he went to eat lunch or sth. so i mopped my face with hands (no tissue!) and went to reception to ask if i could use their phone.

so unsympathetic were they. even with my teary face, i had to repeat myself a few times before they saw the urgency of my needing to use their phone. so finally i got to use it.

mel was so sweet. he helped to call zp and get the driving instructor's no. he called the instructor and found out that he had had to leave cos his car was due for servicing at that time, and hadn't thought to check that i had taken my bags. (sheesh) then he took a cab (his car was in servicing too) and picked me up.

thank God that he was working from home that day. i really am so grateful for that. =)

so... he picked me up in a cab, then we went to the servicing place to get my stuff from instructor (mel gallantly wanted to scold him, but refrained from doing so...)... then we went to lot one to eat lunch.

i cried most of the way in the cab, but by the time i got my stuff, i was mostly cried off.

the rest of the day was spent with mel. he stuck by my side. thank you =)

i was kind of healed. i felt understood and cared for.

but the next day, the hurt came tumbling back in.

when an uncle laughed at my hitting a pole.

when a friend laughed that i failed an auto car test.

when a loved one said "did you really do your best?"

when my friends went "oh..."

when i know i have disappointed my dad.

when some found amusement in my plight, rather than empathy.

i know they don't mean to hurt, but it hurt.

but many things have been a blessing and encouragement to me during this time.

i want to share some of it here.

1. a song: Trust His heart

the chorus goes:

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

2. a flower

Mel gave me a red tulip. my favourite flower! it's still alive and 'kicking', in its place of honour - a water bottle in the middle of my dining table at home...

3. a new perspective from God

i wrote this in my journal:

"it's funny how we rip off the arrows that people have stuck into our hearts, and poke them into someone else's. We inflict pain on one another, and everyone gets hurt. But the buck has to stop somewhere. Lord, give me the grace and strength to let it stop with me..."

i can be real with You. =)