out of touch

it's been quite a while...

finally got my fingers out of the rut to blog again =)

what's triggered this? well too many events to mention in detail... just feeling pretty emo from the realization that so much has changed in the past decade of my life, relationships wise, and there's no turning back the clock, but there's also no desire to in a way.

i've gained some, i've lost some. friends, that is. some who I might not have thought would be "friends for life" are, in fact, that. no questions asked, no strings attached. I don't quite understand how and why, but I am grateful for these ones.

and for other groups of friends, i look back with such nostalgia at our memories of good times and bad, but somehow that's enough - to have these memories. I dun feel any kind of impulse or motivation to make these friendships more than they have been. NOT because i don't treasure the friendships, it's just, i really am happy to just recollect our experiences and be thankful for that, and not feel the need to make the friendships go further

not sure if my readers will know what i mean. hmmm...

i do think about how my friendships and relationships, and even outlook on life!, would be so different now if I had made different friends at each stage of my life. so I am thankful for every person who has been a part of my life, because i know it made a difference, to my life and their's.

but I don't know how to think about it after that point - do i develop close relationships with ALL my friends from the past? it just seems impossible and unnecessary, as much as i want to. i DO want to... but choices have to be made, because i just can't keep up with everyone (or catch up), and i have limited energy, and I dun even like big groups in the first place, and i'm busy with work etc etc etc. and how do you choose who to spend time with anyway? there's a good reason to spend time with almost anyone!

i know some will see those as excuses, but i really think they're not. it's just life - it's not easy to find balance.

so, i guess I'm just coming to terms with how i feel, and how others feel, and learning to deal with all the emotions and frustrations and mis-comms that come with that, and trying to not let my self esteem take a battering in the course of that.

to all my friends, whether close or not, near or far, i DO treasure you, and i hope you are doing great, and that you'll know that Someone is watching over you... (not me, God). do take care. =)