times of change

i have a whole Sunday afternoon free. absolutely 100% completely free! hmmm...

it feels really weird. i can honestly say this is my first Sunday of freedom in years! no plans, no deadlines, no meetings, no projects.

what led up to this? well... lots of things.

probably what started me thinking about this was the frustrations and stress i felt in ministry and in church for most of the past 2 years. i felt overworked, under-appreciated, used even. sometimes i even felt like just throwing the towel and leaving for another church.

thank God for faithful friends and mentors He brought along the way. if not for people like harry, elaine, jamie, jane, xinling and kuanmei, i would have caved and become a mental basketcase. haha... ok maybe not that drastic. but seriously, it's friends like these that have encouraged me and sustained me through difficult times.

i would like to say that God sustained me through those time. and He did - most definitely. but somehow it wasn't enough for me. i felt it was lke a vicious cycle of trusting God, having things go wrong, panicking, stressing, remembering that I should rest in God, feeling guilty, taking on more things... etc etc.

for quite some time, i wrestled with the thought of: why am i feeling this way? what's the matter with me? why can't i trust God? why can't i be joyful in ministry? isn't that what it's all about?

along the way, i discovered many wrong attitudes i was holding on to, and ways in which i was depending on myself, or seeing man's approval. i saw that i found it hard to say "No" to people. i thank God for revealing each and every of these weaknesses to me, and for helping me to change.

i learnt to trust Him more, to be less uptight now and then, to see things from different perspectives, to understand my leaders better. throughout this long process, i have understood who i am and who God is better.

yet, at the same time, i became aware that, from the time i was 13 until now, i have never actually prayed about my ministry. sure, i have prayed FOR the ministry, for the people in the ministry, for the work of the ministry - but i have never really prayed ABOUT which ministry God really wants me to serve in.

you know how people (and the Bible too) always say how we should use our talents for God to glorify Him, or He may take it away from us? well, for me, i've always chosen to be involved in things where i'm 'talented'. like worship, caroling, choir, musician training...

i started learning the piano in secondary one. and it dawned on people, and me, that i kind of had a knack for it. i picked up the basics quickly, i learned to predict chords, i improved in my playing. so i was placed in worship teams in sunday school, i was asked to help with musician training, then later i was challenged to play for the adult second service.

i unquestioningly went.

but is it where God wants me to be?

lately i have discovered, as i reflect on my two years in choir, that i love youth. i love seeing them light up with excitement, the transparency of teenage crushes and disappointments, the simple joys of holidays, the feelings so clearly shown on their faces.

in fact, i began to feel that my role in choir was more as a mentor to these youth than a 'music teacher'. i found it frustrating to have to aim for high standards and performances when all i wanted to do was encourage them to dare to dream and to see if music was part of that dream.

so the doubts began to creep in. that maybe, all these years, i have been barking up the wrong tree. maybe i have trusted people too much. not that they were not worthy to be trusted. but in just following their suggestions or challenges, i have not taken the responsibility that needs to be taken over my life. i have handed that responsibility over to them.

so it's time to take charge of my life once more. to really find out what i love, what i enjoy, and how that fits into God's plan for me. not just in ministry, but in work too, and in my relationships. to know who Dorothea really is - not just comply to the image of Dorothea that has been created by my family, my cousins, my friends, my mentors.

i still love music, and i want it to be a part of my life. but in what way - that's for God to show and for me to seek.

join me on the journey. and maybe it's time to ask yourself too: Who are you really?