somewhat refreshed =)

feelin' a lot better today. =) yesterday i just felt so emotionally overwrought that i burst into tears during team prayer... =( sigh... not a very 'grown-up' thing to do i guess, but it was a good release of pent-up emotions, and everyone was very sweet and encouraging...

i guess... i don't really know why i feel so overwhelmed emotionally. it's not really that i have a lot of stuff to do - i mean, i am definitely busy, but i don't think that's the whole reason why. and it's not that i've had any major arguments with close friends or mel... and family is ok too...

there was some little debate over band program in the morning. i guess that probably triggered off my 'reaction', cos i felt so out of my depth when various new ideas and changes were being thrown about. too many feelings rushing through me...

indignance that they were bringing up new ideas so last minute.

unappreciation for my efforts in doing my part according to the deadlines.

frustration that i had thought the program was already all approved and cut-and-dried and no more changes, and then now got to change AGAIN...

fear that i would have to do a lot mroe work of new song chord charts. and explain to the students why we are changing some songs.

frustration with myself - that i didn't have the heart of wanting to give God the best. i realised i jsut wanted the program to be SET - in stone - so that i didn't have to have it hanging in a cloud over my head. and yet many of the suggestions being brought up made sense, so i should consider them right?

finally, fear that maybe i'm not meant for ministry. i mean, maybe i'm just not able to cope with all these fluid plans and open debates. maybe i need more structure, more certainty, more stability. but then ministry isn't like that i guess...

how???

i just felt so emotionally drained. and i'm still not sure why it hit so hard so suddenly... but anyway it was good to reflect on why i feel that way and to thank God that this is an opportunity for me to seek HIm even more.

to be assured and certain of my calling.

to grow in maturity in handling emotional and mental stress.

to depend on Him more.

to remember that it's ALWAYS His show, never mine.

to recognise that i'm not here to 'live up to expectations' or prove myself as efficient or pull off the best concert, but simply to serve Him and His people.

to be comforted that however self-focused i have become or how myopic i can be, God is always ready and willing to forgive and to lead me onwards, without looking back.

so yes, reflection time was good. =) but it will take some time for me to get back to 'normal' i guess... like be my usual bubbly person. i mean, on and off i will be, but i think i don't need to be that person all the time. as mike says, there's no need to 'keep up appearances' - just be honest with people and with myself, and always with God.