a day of discovery

maybe it's because i've had to really think about who i am over the past week, or grappled with being secure in Christ alone, that i feel that much more sensitive to all that is happening around me.

this morning, i just felt prompted to think about what factors are weighing on my decision as to whether or not to go full-time. and i realised, that for the most part of the past 2 months, one key factor that has been troubling me is that whether i can actively contribute and fit in to the place where i work.

i mean, people are really really encouraging. like, they always compliment me when i do a job well, or encourage me when i'm struggling. but somehow, for me, i still felt like it was more of them encouraging me than me actually contributing value. i got involved in this ministry because i felt the passion for evangelism to youth, and saw using music as a great means to do so. however, the past few months have flown by, without me improving musically or actually using music to share about God.

not that i don't see the value of a backstage role, or of admin stuff. i've been doing a lot of writing and organisation stuff. but i do desire a part of my job to involve music and to improve, and to use that as a tool to reach the lost.

so, i had a talk with my colleague last week to share all this. cos i felt like i really owe it to them. they've been nothing short of supportive, and yet they're only human - they can't read my mind. so i had to say how i was really feeling, and i think in future, i will be having more opportunity to grow in these areas. =)

it was really hard for me to talk to them, cos i'm really bad at asserting how i feel. like being true to myself in front of people... but thank God it went really well, i think.

so that's been kind of a stone lifted from my chest. even though there's no guarantee of having those opportunities, at least i feel glad that i've made my feelings known. i've been responsible for myself in that i don't want to allow these feelings of resentment or frustration to dominate me or distract me.

anyway, after all that soul searching and 'confrontation', i feel like the next month will be really different. not that i will get to do all that i want to do, but hopefully i'll get a taste of it, or be aware of the possibilities of it, so that it's not just a dream but a reality.

i know that God is calling me to share His love for a living. i won't say 'mission' cos that word's so loaded. but i do want a job that allows me to share His love at the forefront. He reminded me of how i came into stint in the first place.

the joy i felt at seeing those children run to the front to watch our concert.

the words of the song 'Forgiven' - THAT is the message i want to share with my life. that we are forgiven to live the life we have never had before - to give others hope!

i want to share with people PERSONALLY what God's love and forgiveness entails, through music - not to do it from behind a computer screen or closed doors. it suddenly (and i mean really suddenly) dawned on me this morning that i really only truly enjoy music in the context of evangelism (vs. worship). not that i don't enjoy worshipping God, but i've always felt that i want to use music to share what i feel, rather than just a message of words.

i don't quite know how to explain this, but it explains to me why i enjoy choir so much, why i love evangelistic musicals so much, why i am inspired by every concert we do. i am energised in a sense from the joy of knowing what the music and lyrics are speaking to the listeners' hearts - so much more than when i am playing for a church service.

it's amazing and liberating to finally realise that God has shaped me this way. i believe that if He wants me to serve here, He will provide the opportunities, correct my weaknesses, and build up my strengths. of course, along the way, there will be admin and writing, and i still enjoy that too! and marketing is always an interest for me.

but i guess the challenge for me now is to see if i can find that balance that i need, between the backstage and the onstage work, and if so, i will gladly sign the dotted line.

haha, btw simon, this is not a threat in an way for ya ok... i'm just saying how i feel. please dun feel pressured. =)

but seriously, i have realised that this is actually all that is holding me back. sure my parents are a whole other bridge to cross, and being able to deal with the misconceptions that people have of full-time and support raising are issues too. but these are just excuses for me to shirk the responsibility of thinking and deciding for myself what i should do. ultimately, it's just between God and me.

and it's ok to say that i desire a certain type of job. i no longer feel like it's 'wrong' for me to want that. sometimes people feel that they should do whatever needs to be done, because someone needs to do it. i felt that way, sometimes will probably still feel that way too. but it's wrong, because then we are operating out of fear of people or fear of losing the love of people, or even fear of God. not that we should not fear God, but service to Him should not be out of that kind of fear, but out of a reverent love for Him.

i have to be responsible for myself, but depending on God always. with Him by my side, and knowing that i am doing what He has placed upon my heart to do, i can rest secure.


Forgiven - no matter what we've done

Forgiven - and sheltered by his blood

And we're given the chance to go on living

We're given the life that we could never have before!