the flame flickers on...

(see previous post)

yesterday was pretty emotional. i realised a lot of things about myself, still struggling with dealing with it, but also glad and amazed at how God is using people and events to teach me things.

too many details to share fully... but one major thing i am learning is that i do not get to choose who to love. (love in the brotherly agape way, that is)

i felt kind of alone in my struggle for a while, because i felt that no one really knows how hard it is for me to love certain people. i struggled with thoughts of 'why am i so unloving?' and 'am i truly God's child?' especially after sunday's message on 1 John 5:19-21

"we love Him because he first loved us.

if someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he ahs not seen?

and this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also."


* * *

those verses really cut deep, because they are the core of what i'm struggling with. i want to love, and yet i find it so hard to love, and that just makes me wonder: what's wrong with me? how come other people aren't facing the same problem? how come i can't surrender these feelings to God? is there some internal sin that is preventing me from being able to allow God to love through me? why does God seem so far away at a time like this?!?!

"the heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy." proverbs 14:10

well... i haven't answered all those questions yet. but in the midst of struggle, i am encouraged by people that try to understand me, and i am reminded often of how great God's love for me truly is.

a love that knows no limits. a love that endures even though i am so so unworthy of it. even though i find it so hard to offer that same love.

i see the grace of God even more. i see how very gracious our Father is to love me - to love us all! - at such a cost. when the love that we offer is so puny in comparison.

going back to the flame analogy, i do feel like my flame is flickering. but maybe it's not that my flame is dying. maybe it is simply God fanning my flame to greater heights!

right now it feels really shaky and overwhelming and unstable... as God blows gently on my flame to (ok i can't think of a less scientific term now...) give it more oxygen. and he knows just what amount to blow to fan the flame bigger, not put it out!

"a bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench." isaiah 42:3

nobody said growth would be easy. few can change overnight. God reminded me of that, as He gently encouraged me through different people.

He reminded me that i am not condemned. that when God looks at me, He still sees the 'perfect' me. He loves and accepts me just the way i am. (of course that is no excuse for not trying to change, to be obedient to His call and commands) He really and truly KNOWS me.

* * *

This is my desire
To honor You
Lord with all my heart
I worship You
All I have within me
I give You praise
All that I adore is in You

Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your way in me


have Your way in me