building my faith in Him

** here's what was running through my mind yesterday. it was definitely an emotionally-tiring day, but very meaningful as well. i just wanna share my honest thoughts, to give glory to Him. **

930am, after driving lesson

oh no God! How!!?! i hate my instructor... why can't he encourage me for a change? why keep on picking on all my mistakes? oh no... i'm feeling so frustrated and stressed and panicky now. urghhh.

i really did my best. but still i forgot so many important things, like signalling and checking my blind spot. so careless!

(sitting in the toilet, looking at my hands)

You created these hands God. i know that you are the Creator-God. you created cars too, huh. so i guess you created 'driving' too.

(over quiet time at coffee bean)

Thank You for understanding exactly how i feel, God. i know that You do.

i guess this experience is a test of how much i really trust Your heart. i know that You have a plan and a purpose for me. whether i pass or fail, it's Your best intention for me, it's not a mistake.

oh, wait a minute.

i remember what eeleen said after the bill lawrence seminar. it's NOT about me.

oh.

have i got it all wrong?

i'm so selfish. i just want You to do what's best for me. i don't really care if You are glorified. oh dear... please correct my heart. oh no... i'm so jialat.

but You still love me huh.

i really want to want to glorify You. please help me!

(after reading Purpose Driven Life Day 10)

i actually wasn't very keen on starting this 40 days reading plan, but it's my church project. but, oh, i'm so glad i did!

"Put Jesus in the driver's seat of your life and take your hands off the steering wheel. Don't be afraid, nothing under his control can ever be out of control. Mastered by Christ, You can handle anything." (page 83)

WOW.

oh God, such a tailored message for me.

a note of encouragement from You.

an affirmation that You really do care for me.

whether i pass or fail this test is not out of Your control. You have a plan.

Just remembered what Holly Sheldon shared on Tuesday. that You put us in difficult time to 'sift' our character, to make us more aware of our need for You, and to help us to deal with our issues.

i guess this is sifting time for me.

where does my faith lie? or rather, what is my motivation?

do i merely have a myopic faith that "God purposes to do what's best for me"? or do i really trust that "God's purposes are best", whether or not it's best for ME? of course, the Bible says that God also cares for me, and wants to bless me. but is my faith contingent on that?

what if what happens is not 'best' for me, but is 'best' in His overall plan? can i be content with that?

i do love You God. help me to have that kind of faith.

(after pink guava juice at MOS, abt 230pm)

ok God, i am ready.

i've made the mental prep of reviewing each circuit aspect in my mind - when to signal, when to brake etc - and i've spent the morning preparing my heart for what's ahead.

whatever happens, i know i can trust Your heart. i want to take this test as though i were doing it for You - doing my best, and having that awareness of Your presence with me all the way.

i feel at peace now. not anxious, but joyful, because i know You hold my hand.

(walking to BBDC from the MRT... quite a long walk... singing songs to myself)

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
cover me with Your hand
and lead me in Your righteousness
and i look to You
and i wait on You

i'll sing to You Lord a hymn of love
for Your faithfulness to me
i'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go through it all!

You are my God
and the Rock on which i stand
i have found my place in Your arms of grace
oh, You are my God

when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
i will be still, know You are God

find rest, my soul, in Christ alone
know His power in quietness and trust

You are my strength when i am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my all in all
when i fall down, You pick me up
when i am dry, You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus we enthrone You
we proclaim You are King
standing here in the midst of us
we raise You up in our praise

and as we worship, build Your throne
come Lord Jesus and take Your place!

for You alone deserve all glory
for You alone deserve all praise
Father we worship and adore You
Father we long to see Your face
for You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father I love you
and I worship You this day!

(after the test)

i didn't pass.

i'm a little disappointed and sad, but somehow it doesn't hurt that much.

i feel thankful for how it went. all the things i had been worried about at first - You came through for me! my circuit was great, esp the horrible s-curve!

it was a lot of my turning mistakes that cost me. but all in all, i feel so amazed that i got through all the rest! wow.

i feel that joy, even though i 'failed' in the world's sense.

i know that You've strengthened my faith and my trust in You today. Thank You.

And now let the weak say i am strong
Let the poor say i am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us
Give thanks!