looking forward to what's ahead...

i finally returned to cell after a hiatus of about 5 weeks (2 weeks in lausanne conference, 1 week melvyn birthday, 1 week rehearsal and 1 week sheer laziness =b) and felt really out of touch with everyone's lives. made me realise how it might be in the future when i'm in mel's church - i will definitely not be able to keep in touch as much with my current church friends. that kinda sucks... but i know it's all part of growing up and change and trusting God.

in the near future, though, i'm quite looking forward to the month of December! here are some key stuff happening during that time:

1. Christmas party for supporters

i've just started planning for this, and i have no idea whether it will take flight, whether it will really happen - but i'm just gonna try this out. look forward to sharing stuff i have seen over this year, and to talk to some of them whom i hardly see.

2. Christmas with my family

it's my last Christmas as a single with my family, so i want to treasure all the moments with my grandma and aunties and uncles and cousins etc. cos i guess when i get married, there'll be two MORE families in my life, and that will definitely mean less time for each side, so life will be different.

3. Christmas in Tokyo

i'm going to japan again! this time, melvyn and I are going together, as part of a tracting trip. so i'm really looking forward to meeting my Japanese friends again, to hear what their year has been like. also hoping and planning to visit Waseda University - the place where I first went to Japan for missions in 2001. and, best of all, melvyn is with me. This is his first time to Japan (other than the airport lounge =b) so I'm excited and happy to be able to be part of his first time there. =)

Search for balance

too much anything isn't any good. but the balancing act of moderation is so debatable too. how much is too much? and when does one give in?

grace versus resignation.

no one is perfect. all fall short of perfection, and everyone makes mistakes.

we are often told to love one another unconditionally, to be patient with one another, to bear one another's burdens.

that's what i call grace.

but too much grace borders on resignation. this person is like that, that person is like that. the sense of 'nothing's gonna change so why try?' the bottled up frustrations and resentment because of someone else's imperfections.

the feeling that 'i better not speak up cos i myself am not perfect too, so if i want others to show me grace with MY mistakes, i better be gracious to them too.'

and yet we are also told that iron sharpens iron. that we are to build one another up, to correct sin, to rebuke and train in righteousness.

weakness versus laziness.

true, everyone has their own weaknesses. i know i do.

we should be patient with those who are weak, encouraging them and recognising that in their weaknesses, God is strong. that God can work in us despite our shortcomings.

and yet... when it becomes 'aiyah you know i am like that lah. i'm so thankful that you are here to compliment me.', then i feel that laziness has crept in.

too much self-acceptance - if i can call it that? like 'i'm like that - that's how God made me - so i don't have to worry about changing too much. i will jsut try when i can, but if i can't then God will send people that can help me, or He will work in me despite that weaknesses.'

to me, it's almost taking God's grace for granted.

standards versus flexibility.

how to balance these two?

without standards, the world would be in utter chaos. all systems would fail. everyone would do as they please.

so systems are good. they organise people and time and events so that promises are kept, deadlines are reached, decisions are made.

and yet there is a need for flexibiity too. as the popular saying goes, 'change is the only constant'. and God's agenda may require us to change our plans. He may put us through difficult situations, when we have do a total revamp of our plans, just so that we will learn to depend on Him more, and so that He, and not us, is glorified.

i agree with that. i myself have gone through many such times, and looking back can see His hand in shaping my character through the struggle of change.

but when flexibility becomes the excuse for not wanting to set down structures or keep to deadlines, then i think it's too much. when it means saying 'i know i'm late, but maybe God wants to teach you to flex', then i think that's presumptuous. what's to say God doesn't want that person to learn to be structured?

who's to say what and how God works?

i don't deny that God allows, or even engineers, such events for us to grow and learn. but it is rarely just one person who has to do the learning - many times it's everyone involved that takes a lesson away from the struggle.

what a creative God we have! in spite of all these rantings, i am amazed at how He has used the difficulties and struggles in my life to teach me surrender, to show me why true, deep dependance can only be on Him. He alone truly understands.

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

i don't have the answers, but i know He does. i can give thanks for that! =)

bits + pieces

thursday night was a riot! but i can't think how to blog about it! haha... suffice to say we dithered for v long about where to eat, and finally settled on the least favourable option which we didn't know was least favourable resulting in us having to restaurant hop to fill our bellies. bleah... thanks, gal - it was truly a ngiht to remember! =D hee...

this is a passage that i read two days ago, and it has been speaking a lot to me.

"Now, listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city...' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What if your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4:13-17

it's hard to balance waiting for God's will to be revealed and doing the 'good' we see waiting to be done.

please give me wisdom, Lord =)

ok, now i'm off to DRAGON BOATING with mel's young adults ministry. hee... my first time trying this out! and i can't swim! haha.. my boat better not capsize... i hope i get a good workout. heh heh =b

[ after a morning of boating and watching scoop in the afternoon ]

i'm EXHAUSTED!!! my right arm feels like lead, and my left arm is only slightly better. heh. but it was fun! =) we rowed for about 2 hours, at the end of which our three boats had a race... and we rowed like MAD, and MY BOAT WON!!! muahahaha... yay!!!

scoop was not bad. scarlett johansohn was her usual excellent self. i am a great fan of johansohn - i think her acting is fantastic =) and hugh jackman was a treat for the eyes too. hee... overall the story was a bit... different from the usual movies i watch though. in a sense it was not so exciting... and must think more. mel said it's probably the british humour (woody allen) which i haven't watched before.

just came home and going to rest my aching body now...

this is hilarious...!

i'm watching project runway now. it's jsut so cool... all these cute lil doggies making the designers go nuts with their antics. haha!!! they are just so so cute and cuddly and friendly looking... too bad i've never been an animal person... i just like admiring them from afar, but i can't envision myself teaching a dog where the toilet is. heh...

still... it's pretty de-stressing somewhat to watch the pretty pooches prance around on my tv screen. =D muahaha...

::rush rush rush::

it's been a really hectic week. feels like we hit the ground running after lausanne. i'm not complaining - i want to treasure all that God is placing in my life - but it IS tiring. please pray...

it's been a long morning of debrief. lots of lessons to be learnt and lots of mistakes to repent of (sorry simon and eeleen!) and a few personal victories to celebrate and give thanks for =)

i want to find rest amidst the rush.

I want to gain this kind of wisdom, God

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (NKJV)

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace‑loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. (NIV)

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor. (The Message)

- James 3:17-18

so true wisdom is expressed in our relationships with one another - something to ponder over...

my feet!

cool pics taken by daniel ho, my esteemed colleague and friend =)

still in a daze

three days after coming back from lausanne, i'm still in a daze. haven't got my feet firmly planted on Singapore soil yet. heh. God just keeps bringing to mind all that i've seen, heard and felt, and it still overwhelms me that He has been so good and gracious to me, to us here in Singapore.

I've been scouting the internet for local Jap language schools. hope to start taking a course sometime soon =)

the message that inspired my Oct newsletter (on the left)

Younger leaders tend to fall into one of these two camps –

Some struggle with a youthful pride that feels we can take on the whole world – even without God.

Others struggle with a false humility – `oh I can't do that' – a false humility that serves as an excuse not to do anything of risk or significance for God. "I'm so weak and untalented that even GOD can't do anything through me!" – that is NOT humility – it borders on HERESY!

Our confidence is solely and wholely grounded in the fact that OUR GOD IS A BIG GOD!

Our anticipation is solely and wholely in witnessing the powerful work of such a BIG
GOD who can do ALL THINGS very very well.

And so I ask you, HOW BIG IS YOUR GOD?

Is your God a LIFE changing, game-breaking, problem solving, crisis resolving, broken-
heart healing, heavenly-vision revealing, miracle-performing, globe-transforming BIG
GOD?!!! Amen?

And do you wait and watch with eager anticipation for HIS powerful work???

And finally, do you long and beg for the PRIVILEGE of participation in that powerful work of such a BIG GOD?

* * *

Ours is the "instant noodle" generation of immediacy that must learn patience.

Ours is the Internet generation of information-overload that must learn discernment.

Ours is the consumer generation of global brands that must learn Biblical stewardship.

Ours is the educated generation exposed to the global marketplace of ideas that must
learn the uniqueness of Jesus Christ as well as His relevance to every culture and every
people.

Our is the forward-thinking generation that sees a world of possibilities that must learn to
learn from the previous generations.

Younger leaders! Will you stand in the gap for our generation?

open the eyes of my heart, Lord

last night was spent with dear mel... sharing all that i have seen, felt, heard at lausanne, then a delicious olua (fried oyster omelette) and beef kway teow dinner at east coast hawker centre... and finally a stroll along the beach, the sharing of our hearts and feelings, and a time of prayer.

a simple night, but a milestone in our lives.

thank you, mel, for your gentle and patient ways, not judging me, yet speaking your mind. thank you for showing me my self-centeredness, my impatience, my immaturity. and for loving me despite all that. i really don't deserve it, but then we both don't deserve the grace of God which He shows to us. so, thank you for being an example of that grace to me.

i'm excited to hear your own heart for the lost, and excited and hopeful about our future. =)

thank You, God, for assuring me that You truly do see my heart's desire for Japan. You DO care. i can see that You care. so many small things to assure me - driving past the japanese school when the bus came back to Singapore and me looking out of the window at just the right moment, seeing victor online last night (staff serving in Japan) and hearing from him, finding out this afternoon that a fellow staff is also hoping to go to Japan, and getting a possible japanese language school contact from her. Wow.

thank You for being patient with me too. in my reflections this morning, i was just asking God to please show me how to reconcile my feelings for japan, and the fact that i need to let Him put me where He wants me to be, not go where i want to be. and God brought to mind two stories - the story of Jonah, and the life of Paul.

Jonah, because like him, i feel that i am being asked to go to a country that i don't want to go to, and yet God wants me to go in faith, because He created them, loves them and grieves for them. continue to soften my heart Lord. i know that if i go in obedience, it pleases You.

Paul, because his was a wandering ministry - in the sense that he travelled from country to country, with no place to really call 'home'. From his letters, I see how he longed to be in certain places many times, yet he chose to submit that desire to God, and follow wherever God led him to. May i have that kind of faith, Lord, to be faithful to Your direction, and not to act in my own will and strength.

and i believe that the renewed passion you have given me for Japan is also not without cause. may i be a prayer warrior for this nation. Oh Lord, open my eyes to see the needs of this nation. Rend my heart to pray, to stand in the gap for this land. may i not trample down this passion simply because i don't know where you will send me - rather, let me steward this passion with my prayers.

be patient with me. purify my heart.

look under newsletter archive on the left for my latest update!

picture moments

ME! the view from our hotel room...



dancing the tango with rachael



eeleen and me - we were roomies! =)



coffee and charts go hand in hand. we had to 'flex' a lot, in the sense that each day's worship set could only be confirmed just the night before or even an hour before! old town coffee became the gals' comfort drink. heh



marcell enjoying ice cream in KLCC, where we had an afternoon off! i really like his tee shirt!



with jason mandryk, one of the speakers, who shared with us the current stats from around the world. both humbling and challenging to know the Christian reality.



david choi (my left) and michael oh (on the right). david is a pastor in america, who actually knows my cousin! what a small world... michael is serving in japan with his family. he gave the opening address for the gathering, which challenged me to dream BIG for God.



with an african aborigine! =) i think his furry hat (leopard skin!) is so cool...



our three lovely ladies - eeleen, huiling and rach



praying for marcell on the last night. i had the privilege of praying for him, and it was with much tears and thanksgiving that we blessed him, his wife and his ministry.



how blessed are the feet of those who bring good news - to the nations!

it's surreal to be home.

it was a bittersweet night saying farewell to all whom i met at lausanne this week. i would never have imagined that you could get attached to people so much in just a short 7 days! i have learned so much and grown so much and felt so much and been blessed SO MUCH!!!

Lord, You are good.

i have some stuff to say about some people. don't know if they will read my blog, but anyway this will give you a glimpse into the kind of people i met this past week.

marcell:
you are such an inspiration to me. i've told you before, but i would say it again here how your love for God and for the nation he is calling you to has touched me so much. when i first met you, all i could see was your talent, your confidence, your leadership - and i felt threatened. but now, after just a mere 7 days, i see a man who deeply loves God, and his precious and beautiful wife, and who is willing to lay his life down for the sake of Christ. i see a man who is very serious about God, whose heart is willing to be broken by God, and to be directed by him. Thank you for showing me that the condition of my own heart, and for never once being critical of my musicality, but instead encouraging the team.

michael:
i just read your blog, and i am overwhelmed by how YOU felt overwhelmed by all that has happened this past week. so touched by the love you have for your family, and you devotion to God. even though we only talked for that hour or so, i felt so uplifted in my spirit after hearing your own life story, and now i have a bigger understanding of it, after reading your testimony. you have given me the courage to trust my heart. as i might have shared, i'm a chronic doubter. i love proof and facts and having plans set in stone. but you have shown me that what is more important is remembering that God is faithful and trustworthy, that he knows the future, and that he loves me so much - and part of that love has been demonstrated in blessing me with melvyn. so i am taking this next step in my life with a great sense of peace and joy, hopeful about what he will bring into our future.
http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/ohfamily/michaels-testimony/

david choi:
hey, i really did want to talk to you a bit that last night. sorry that somehow we just never met. anyways, i have been so blessed by your warmth and friendliness. i find it simply amazing that God would bring you here from across continents, and right in front of me in the buffet line! (david, who lives in america, met my cousin while she was in NZ a few years back, and had lost contact with her) and that he would just give me that inspiration to ask, so totally out of the blue, what you were doing... wow. anyway, i'm really excited for all that God will be doing through you, as you minister to different people all over the world, and in your *ahem* future as well. =)

my small group of women:
i won't mention names cos not sure about security, but i really felt so blessed and humbled by the sharing of lives. i hear about all that you have gone through - the pain, the struggles, the suffering, the persecution - and i feel tremendously blessed and privileged to be in the company of such amazing servants. as we shared our hearts and tears, i saw the reality that every person - even i, who am relatively so blessed - has gone through seasons of pain. every person is broken, in some way. but our God is the Healer of our wounds and Comforter of our souls!

to everyone else who i met - i do believe that every single person i have had the opportunity to talk to was a divine appointment by God, and has shaped my life in some way, big or small. i will be praying for you, and i look forward to hearing about what's going on in ALL your ministries all over the world, and praying with you - that the whole gospel will be preached to the whole world! amen.