Thursday, April 28, 2005

ouch*

i have an ulcer. urgh... reminds me of what i read on my friend's blog a while back about why you get ulcers and what they are... sigh...

it hurts a lot cos it's at that strategic part of my lip that touches my teeth. so every time it grates against the teeth it's like OOOOWWWWWWW!!!

... ...

grin and bear it =)

hmm... but thankful for the restful week. a lot of the tedious admin, brainstorming and planning stuff has been done over the past couple of weeks. these two weeks is more for support raising and checking that we have covered as many uneventualities as we can cover... and preparing our hearts and minds for the 'onslaught' of TURT. =)

also been seeking free time to bring the students out to shop for their performance wardrobe. =) that was quite fun! heh heh... i think they will look so so cool! =D

mmm.. and today had a good morning at sharon's place. she made us garlic toast with egg and melted cheese and ham on top. oh man... divine! *munch munch* i ate... er... quite a lot =b we also had a nice little talk on the way to work. i'm so glad she's here at FR! hee hee

tonight i will be busy preparing my room for my garage sale. it's part of my commitment to de-clutter my life and centre it around God. felt quite convicted to do so after a series of not-so-coincidental talks on related stuff. i guess i realised that while i have succeeded to a laudable extent (for me, at least) in restraining from buying things, i do still covet things. so... i know God is gonna help me learn how to not let these desires lessen or distract my love for Him. i don't think such desires are 'wrong' per se, but i want to make sure i'm not getting carried away or creating 'false gods' for myself.

so anyways... i'm planning to have my garage sale on monday. a pretty informal affair - just asking my friends to come down to see if they want stuff. proceeds will go FR equipment fund, my family and missions. funky clothes, bags and accessories -for girls only! so if you're interested and you are my friend, you can give me a call =b heh

my ulcer still hurts... ouch* =(

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

wardrobe shopping

it's fun to bring the band members wardrobe shopping =) it's a great part of my job! =D

anyways, that's why i haven't blogged for a while, cos i left my laptop in office so i didn't have to lug it around all the shops. point to note: it can be pretty draining when you don't get to shop for yourself =b haha...

but i really love the outfits we've got so far! cool!!!

only 10 more days to TURT... =)

Sunday, April 24, 2005

yes Lord, i love You

even as i continue to pray about my decision and to seek greater conviction on it, i was encouraged by the worship songs in church today. really reminded me of the cost of following Jesus - in whatever area of life you work in.


all i once held dear

built my life upon

all this world reveres

and wars to own

all i once thought gain

i have counted loss

spent and worthless now

compared to this

knowing You, Jesus

knowing You

there is no greater thing

You're my all

You're the best

You're my joy, my righteousness

and i love You Lord



i'm really so grateful for the encouragement i've received during this time, from mel, my cg mate (sy) and joel. thanks guys and gal... and i just received a really apt and applicable mail too! it was about how God gives us our talents and abilities for a purpose - to glorify Him and make Him known; to be used, not kept in the dark or disregarded; to be treasured and developed, not left to stagnate.

all i have is from God, down to my deepest desires and every single talent. and i have been given all these for a reason - to glorify God! to demonstrate my love for Him, and to demonstrate His love to others...

Saturday, April 23, 2005

even if...

last night was a rather tearful night. no, nothing big happened - nothing earth shattering or anything like that.

it was just a reasonless fear that struck me out of nowhere, while i was in my church prayer meeting. i was suddenly gripped with fear of the future. about the uncertainties that i am facing, regarding full time, regarding church ministry, regarding family...

i know - i believe - that part of it was spiritual warfare. because i have never - NEVER - felt so afraid before.

i have always been, and still am i hope, one who errs on the side of 'rashness', in the sense that i always want to say 'let's go for it!' at times when everyone else is bothered by the financial or other implications or costs. i'm all for the "do-the-best-you-can-do-and-do-everything" mentality. kind of like grasping the nettle no matter how much it hurts.

this kind of mentality was evident in the way i handled choir and thepast events that we have done, and how i tackle responsibilities and decisions at work too. so it's really not "me" to feel fearful suddenly.

i guess the main things i was fearful about were:

1. my calling

i have a whole list of reasons of why i feel God is leading me full time, and why ForeRunner in particular. yet... i can't help but wish i could have some certain calling. you know, like some people have a calling verse, or see a vision, or have people tell them they were praying for labourers and their name popped into their minds... that kinda thing?

well, i don't have that. and it used to be okay... like i feel like this is where i belong.

but what if... what if i am wrong? i could be.

2. support raising

i am suddenly even more aware of the implications of support raising as a way of life. i do enjoy meeting up with supporters, and the whole atmosphere of trust and dependance of God that comes through living in such a way. but as i look at the huge amount i have to raise for my upcoming trips, and the $1000 monthly more that i would need to raise when i join full-time, it is daunting. and very scary.

but i have seen God provide. i have seen God work - surely He will provide for me... right?

i have seen many friends and fellow colleagues go through really tough times, when their support isn't reached for months in a row. when they have to struggle to make ends meet, especially when they have families to look after, bills to pay... yet they press on in their service.

can i do that, if and when the time comes?


* * *

oh, but how blessed am i! God truly knew my heart. He understands my struggle so completely. even before a word was on my tongue or in my heart, He knew it full well. (Psalms 139)

this morning, i was able to spend an hour or so just praying and writing in my journal. and i actually, at one point, wrote this:

"I selfishly pray and believe that You will enable me to reach my full support as a confirmation of my decision. Not as a sign. But as a mark of approval, of encouragement, of support, of affirmation. Only by Your grace.

Not my will, but Your's be done. Not by my strength, but by Your Spirit."

i didn't feel like reading my Bible after that, but i thought, nvm lah, just read. after all daily reading is a discipline, a choice - not only when i want to right?

(for those who dunno, i embarked on a plan to read the whole Bible at the end of 2003. along the way i staganated a few times, but since last TURT, i thank God for helping me consistently read one or two chapters a day)

so anyway, knowing that, you can imagine how some days i may read more chapters and some days one, some days none =b ... so i really see every day's reading as my passage for the day, to think about and to ponder over. and i believe each day's passage is not by chance.

today's passage turned out to be daniel 3.

v 17-18: if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O King. BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the images of gold you have set up.

v 28: They trusted in him and defied the king's command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God.


words really cannot express how amazed i am to read this passage! it was truly an encouragement and a challenge. it was like God was speaking to me directly - in a way i haven't felt for a long time.

that He is able to save - He is able to direct my paths; he is able to provide for all my needs. but even if he does not, that does not lessen his ability to do so, nor should it rock my faith in Him.

God is calling for 'even-if' faith - faith that trusts in Him to do the impossible, yet does not base its foundations on that, but on His unchanging, insurpassable character, wisdom, strength and love. faith that stands in awe of God's power and sovereignity.

God can choose to give me a 'calling verse' or a dream. but even if He does not, am I willing to take this step of faith and commit my life to full-time ministry in ForeRunner? He can choose to bless me abundantly financially. but even if He does not, am i willing to trust Him to work all things for my good?

Friday, April 22, 2005

hold me in Your arms

exhaustion sets in.

it's been a whirlwind week. i think i'm still reeling from the long hours and intensive preparation and thinking of the past 5 days. such that i haven't fully indulged in the joy of finally finishing the band 1 program today!


well, there's a lot of things for me to think about. thoughts to mull over, decisions to be made. standing at the crossroads once again. oh man, i sound cryptic. heh

ah well, God you know me best, and You love me most. please just let me rest in Your loving embrace, in the palm of your hand...

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

what a looooong day...

yes. long day. long week. long.....

tired from so many meetings. tired from having to think about so many what-ifs? tired from staring at the computer screen for hours and hours.

tired.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

Psalms 23:1-3

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

a walk down memory lane

had a nostalgic time looking at photos of last year's TURT. oh man, it was the most amazing time of my life. really really... the friends, the fellowship, the fun, the excitement, the growth, the struggles, the triumphs and disapppointments... it was truly a journey towards something special =)

i loved working together to put something together to share God's love with the youth in Thailand. definitely. and we all grew so much spiritually too, as we had to trust God for many things, both small and big.

but honestly, what i miss the most of all, is the camaderie and fun we shared! even now, i keep in contact wif many of these dear friends. heh...

anyway here are some pictures of the team! can't believe almost a year has passed...

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having fun at alpha camp

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all tied up? just a team activity to teach us to really put others' needs above our own. it's not easy, i tell u...

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crazy TURTers

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s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g

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finally a nice smiling shot =)

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really cute kids at one of the schools we went to. sooooooo adorable!!! =D

Monday, April 18, 2005

20 days to TURT!

yeah... the countdown begins!

long exciting road ahead...

too sleepy to blog more...

Sunday, April 17, 2005

encouragement and affirmation

read this in an email i received. "Golf Games and Celery Sticks" - by Max Lucado. the article really encouraged me indescribably...

for some reason, the past week i've been led to think again about my commitment to full-time. new questions, new misgivings... old ones too resurfacing... especially anxieties about "am i just doing it cos i like it?"

if you're interested, leave me a comment or email and i'll forward u the mail =) dun think i should post the whole chunk here. heh... copyright plus too long... =b

here's what struck me the most:

"Anyone near Christ for any length of time heard it from Jesus himself. “The Son of Man came to find lost people and save them” (Luke 19:10). “The Son of Man did not come to be served. He came to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many people” (Mark 10:45).


The heart of Christ was relentlessly focused on one task. The day he left the carpentry shop of Nazareth he had one ultimate aim—the cross of Calvary. He was so focused that his final words were, “It is finished” (John 19:30).


How could Jesus say he was finished? There were still the hungry to feed, the sick to heal, the untaught to instruct, and the unloved to love. How could he say he was finished? Simple. He had completed his designated task. His commission was fulfilled. The painter could set aside his brush, the sculptor lay down his chisel, the writer put away his pen. The job was done.


Wouldn’t you love to be able to say the same? Wouldn’t you love to look back on your life and know you had done what you were called to do?"

blessed to be a blessing. =)

Saturday, April 16, 2005

learning to be S.M.A.R.T. =b

inspired by one of my friends... i have decided to come up with a S.M.A.R.T. goal for myself. so that i will be able to actively and purposefully work towards its fulfillment! =D hee hee hee... yeah!

ok so... here goes!

S - Specific
i will lose 1 inch off my waist and hips. i'm quite happy with erm... my other proportions. haha... =b oh. and i will tone my arms. i will not aim to make them less fat (i have become aware and resigned that it's simply a hereditary thing that they are not *ahem* slender), but i can definitely tone them! =)

M - Measurable
so um... measurable lah! i'm not telling you my waist size!

A - Achievable
yeah i hope so =b hah!

R - Realistic
it is right??? yeah it is.

T - timeline
hmmm... i dunno how to set time lines... so i shall follow my friend's example =b 6 months!


ok ok, HOW do i intend to do it?

1. eat healthy
- i shall not eat beef, duck and other red meats, unless it's my granny who cooks them - in which case i can't really refuse =b
- consciously eat more greens and fruits and drink more water
- no snacking!
- instant noodles at most once a fortnight

2. exercise
- walk to church on sundays (well i do that most of the time since last year anyway)
- take the trash out of office more often! heh heh,, cos that involves going downstairs to the garbage bin and then climbing back up to the office =)
- gym once a week once mel's training ends
- do stretches and 20 crunches every morning. hee

3. shopping
- offer to go grocery shopping with my mum on saturday mornings, to carry bags and walk around supermarket - air-con exercise! =b
- when i bring the TURTers wardrobe shopping, go to places that involve a lot of walking! haha

Friday, April 15, 2005

forgive and forget

i waited 45 minutes for my cab!!! yeah... bleah...

i stayed back a bit later at work to finish some TURT stuff. urgh... and it began to rain cats and dogs!!! sigh... drip drip drip...

it was pretty scary being in the office alone. =( cos the rest had left... and the whole building was dark, and the sky outside was ominous... and when i went to the loo, there was an almighty BANG! and i almost jumped into the toilet bowl. =b heh... ok not quite that... but still i was freaked!

called my mom to tell her i'd probably take a cab. called mel to calm my nerves. called city cab... again... and again... and again...

EIGHT TIMES IN TOTAL.

each time i was put on hold and told to wait for a customer service officer blah blah... and FIVE of those times, i got through to someone after more than 5 minutes. and then i was put on hold AGAIN for them to process my booking. and then they would say "There are no taxis available now. Please try again later." SHEESH... after all that...

urghhh...

i gave up after the 8th time. hah! then... THEN... they called me. told me i have a cab liao =D DUH.

phew...

so finally got into a cabbie and troddled on home. heh... was a bit grumpy with the whole city cab service for a while... but then... well i guess it can't be an easy job huh? especially on rainy days... so... shall treat it as a learning experience. the way the world works... =b

Thursday, April 14, 2005

lots of stuff happened today

1. personal retreat

i spent a nice long morning all myself in my secluded air-conditioned room... having some personal time to reflect.

yes, it's been a busy few weeks. =b but in between i've been blessed with fun times and pockets of rest time, so thank God for that. =)

anyway one of the things i was thinking about was my decision to go full time. i mean, i just wrote down again what led me to the decision, in preparation for when i have to go through the interview... heh... and i must admit, i do sometimes have cold feet. like, what if i'm totally off-track?!?! cos as i mentioned to people, i dun have a 'calling verse' or anything dramatic like that. hmmm...

but i was really encouraged by God's word as i flipped through the Bible and glanced at all the verses i have underlined for the past 5 years... yup, my Bible is really like my journal, even though i started a proper journal 2 years ago. in the sense that i keep all my God-related thoughts in there! like for example sermon notes and acronyms that speakers have come up with, and major lessons learnt - all these are underlined or bookmarked in my lovely Bible. hence it's rather colourful state =b

hmmm... so anyway i was really encouraged by these verses. i know that if i have somewhere along the way made a wrong choice, aas long as i continue to trust God and desire to know Him more, He will show me if i am going the wrong way. so i can rest in that knowledge!

2. shopping with daddy

went with daddy to parkway to trade in my phone, which has just passed the 2 year date. =) after dithering about a while, i decided to get the new nokia 7250. or rather, my dad decided to, after i explained the pros and cons to him =b hee... anyways i got the black one for $98.

then i also changed my plan to the new Pod-ONE Plus - or sth liddat, which gives free incoming calls and more sms. cos my current plan is kind of silly cos i have too much talk time and too little smses. and it costs about the same. so hopefully that will help me save money in future!

last but certainly not least... i cam gonna change the payment of bills to my giro. yup. i figured as part of my daughterly role i should support my family in this way. so i will be paying for the internet and all handphone bills (my dad, mom and me) from july onwards. so... i have to go back in june to fill in the appropriate forms.

it's a pretty big step for me. hope that i can handle it! but i believe that it's possible, with budgeting and God's provision. =) and i really wanna help my family financially too.

oh, and my new phone looks kewl...

3. polyclinic

my dad went to the polyclinic next, cos he had a nasty fall this morning while cycling (his new-found hobby =b) so the queue was really long... so i bought 8Days to read. quite a lot of interesting articles this issue... haha... although a lot of scantily clad females drapped around. hmmm... mike wouldn't approve =b oops. hee hee

4. finally home...

watched gilmore girls! didn't know they were back on tv! =) yay. and now looking forward to american idol results show and the OC! =) yeah. back to work tomorrow...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

a night to remember

where? - ryan's washoku @le meridien-changi village hotel.

great service, beautiful decor and wonderful food! =) but of course, the best part of the evening was the company...

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ei hire - sting ray fin

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kawa ebi - little prawns

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gyu tataki - raw beef

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kuro goma i'cream - black sesame seed

the rest of the stuff i was so engrossed in eating =b that i forgot to take pictures...
shake sashimi - raw salmon that melts in your mouth!
shake to tamanegi - raw samon and onion salad
chawan mushi - egg custard with a prawn, crab stick, ginko nut and mushrooms
kinoko ginshi - three kinds of mushrooms
kaki furai - deep fried oysters

and... to a new experience for me...

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warm sake!

after that we toured the hotel. the poolside is lovely, and there's a very romantic italian restaurant there too. fell in love with the very ornate pillars.. it faces the sea, so you dun really feel like you're in singapore!

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without flash

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with flash

and last but not least... our first picture together!

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abit flushed from the sake =b hee hee...

Saturday, April 09, 2005

vanity oh vanity... =b

it was kinda scary walking into hollywood secrets for the first time. yeah... i've never been in one of those places before, and it was chockful of glam gals getting ready for prom or d&d or or stuff liddat. and all the hollywood gals were really busy doing their job... so... thank God i had a pretty nice gal who didn't scoff at my 'please dun do this... and dun do that...". cos it's my first time plucking my eyebrows!!!

yah, i've been avoiding it for the longest time, cos i was afraid of the pain. but decided, aiya just try lah... at the most it will grow back =b heh heh... so anyway... after a looong wait, it was MY TURN.

it went ok. to be honest, i found it painful. dunno why some people say not pain. it was like lots of ant bites (as one friend described it) around my eye... and i had to keep my eyes shut, but i could feels tears pricking behind my eye lids. hee... but good thing i didn't cry. =b so paiseh ...

ah well...

so now i have nicely shaped eyebrows! i'm so glad mel came with me for moral support, cos once it was over, all i wanted was for someone to tell me i didn't just make a mistake =b and he was so supportive about it that i was more convinced that it really does look nice. hee!

hmmm... watch ms congeniality 2 after that. really funny show (i love sandra bullock!!!) but not as good as the first... but still fun to watch. =D i think sandra's got a real knack for romantic comedies man... she's just so quirky and pretty in a natural way, and dares to say what she thinks kinda gal... ha... i think i've watched quite a few of her movies...

1. 2 weeks notice
2. speed 1 and 2
3. ms congeniality 1 and 2
4. the witch show (can't remember the title( where she acted with nicole kidman

any more to recommend me? =)

Friday, April 08, 2005

arts and crafts day!

11:40am

hee hee... yeah it feels like back to primary school and art & crafts lesson. heh...

why?

well remember the photoframes i bought yesterday? i spent the morning sand papering them (and getting all dusty and a-chew-y in the process =b) and have just finished applying one coat of the red paint stain. heh... yay! feel acocmplished and efficient =) haha

oh, but still got a couple more frames to go. and the second coat of paint to do... haiz...

can't wait for it to dry so i can see what it looks like hanging on the wall! =D *chortles with glee*

muahaha

Thursday, April 07, 2005

shopping is part of my job?! =)

yup, today i went shopping - for the office! =) heh heh...

we've been planning to re-decorate the band room for ages, so anyway, since the network was down today (lightning struck yesterday. bummer.) and nobody could really do much work, and mel was out of camp... we went to ikea and bought loads of cool stuff for the room!!!

=D

ok lah... not 'loads', but quite a few nice things...

1. photoframes for the walls.
- 16 small glass ones
- 3 med size wooden ones
- one giant black one
- red stain for the wooden frames

2. squishy cushions!!!
- 2 red
- 2 yellow
- 2 inner cushions with navy blue and white striped covers

=) k that's all. so not that bad huh. =)

then had dinner wif some of mel's church mates. they were having a worship min discussion, and it was really fun and interesting to hear how they plan and what their plans are and all... =) makes me excited about worship again. heh... they're really a fun bunch and very good at arrowing too! hahaha... =b but i enjoyed the time a LOT! =)

i think it's great that their bands have regular jamming sessions where the members can share and get to know one another on a deeper level, and play together, and improve their skills together... it has such a feeling of 'family'...

=) *warm fuzzy feeling* heh

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

i am sorry God...

yes i did it again. sigh... i got frustrated with things and didn't react the right way. in short, i was grumpy and self-centered and totally crappy. sigh...

why do i tend to focus so much on what there is to be done that i lose sight of the ultimate goal - saved lives? sigh... it's something i have to constantly remind myself of - that while all the nitty gritties are very important, i must not lose sight of the end point, of the reason why we do what we do.

people need the Lord.

thank you Lord for purifying my motivations and reminding me to worship You in all i do, and convicting me of my need to depend on You and walk with You minute by minute, day be day...

i am forgiven! =)

* * *

nobody knows how weak i am better than You

and nobody sees all of my needs better than You

and nobody has the power to lift me to reach for eternity

Jesus be strong in my weakness, empower me!

empower me like a rushing river flowing to the sea

Lord send Your Holy Spirit flowing out through me

till i'm living as Your child, victorious and free

send the power of Your love, empower me!



nobody's eyes sees through my soul better than Your's

and nobody's love can make me whole

no love but Your's

and nobody has the power to change me from what i was born to be

Jesus break through all my defences, empower me!

empower me like a rushing river flowing to the sea

Lord send Your Holy Spirit flowing out through me

till i'm living as Your child, victorious and free

send the power of Your love, empower me!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

wheeeeeee!!!

yay, the TURT handbook is almost done! =) really happy about that. heh...

it's been busy busy... but thank God for sustaining me through... =) and i feel so satisfied looking at the finished product, that it was worth it. =D

there's still a lot more to prepare though. and TURT is only 33 days away!!! =D excited, apprehensive, overwhelmed, happy - all at the same time!

heh...

in the midst of all this, i've been learning just how small my faith is, and how much more i need to trust God to be my Provider and my Protector.

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Friday, April 01, 2005

i am happie!

reasons why i am so happy:

1. this week was really tiring but really fruitful. am proud of what i have managed to accomplish this week. hee hee... =D

2. tomorrow is the graduation day. as we practiced the dance, i feel a whole lot better about it. like more confident, more happy, more joyful, more thankful...

3. i passed my final theory driving test! (hah, so there all you people who doubted me =b hee hee)

4. mel is so sweet and makes me feel special.

5. i spent really really little this week. part of my attempt to save up for csu.

6. single scoop (too hard to explain what that is... ) was pretty fun last night. and i won a free movie ticket!!! =)

7. i have lots of new songs in my ipod to listen to... jazzzzzz.....

8. my toesies are purple... =)