There's always a song for every season. =)

When times of trouble fill your heart

And questions cloud your mind

When silence seems to be your only friend

When all throughout the years you find

Nobody's really there

Remember there is One who truly cares

A rainbow

A star in the night

Of all creation none compares to you in His eyes

Do you know

Do you know

He loves you?

Do you know

He's been waiting for you?

Every tear that has been shed

Every heart that needs to mend

Jesus knows

Yes, He knows

When sorrow paves the road ahead

And fear is hard to bear

When darkness creeps in almost everywhere

When underneath the smile you see

The child that's lost inside

Remember there is One who is the light

The oceans

The birds in the sky

Of all creation none compares to you in His eyes

Do you know

Do you know

He loves you?

Do you know

He's been waiting for you?

Every tear that has been shed

Every heart that needs to mend

Jesus knows

Yes, He knows


Yes, He knows...

sometimes you don't need to mask pain

it's tiring to be real.

after i failed my driving test, i was very encouraged by my colleagues who messaged me notes of cheer and hope and hugs. =)

i hit a pole during the reverse ramp.

it was a terrible morning. felt helpless and frustrated most of the time before the test, but i decided to just do my best. (for those who want details of WHY i was frustrated you can ask me personally) anyway, so i hit the pole.

it was my fault. no doubt about that. i'm not saying i didn't make a mistake.

but it would have been nice to have a more compassionate tester. one can always hope...

what really was the 'last straw' was that, after finding out i had failed, i came downstairs to find myself stranded. my bag and lap top were all in my instructor's car, cos i was supposed to meet him after the test in the lobby.

no handphone. no wallet. no numbers in my memory, except for home and mel. no friend's shoulder to cry on.

i'm sure people walking past me were shocked at my grief. i just stood there and cried. and peered through my veil of tears to find a chair to sit on. sigh.

after waiting about 15 min, i was sure my instructor was not coming back. i thought maybe he went to eat lunch or sth. so i mopped my face with hands (no tissue!) and went to reception to ask if i could use their phone.

so unsympathetic were they. even with my teary face, i had to repeat myself a few times before they saw the urgency of my needing to use their phone. so finally i got to use it.

mel was so sweet. he helped to call zp and get the driving instructor's no. he called the instructor and found out that he had had to leave cos his car was due for servicing at that time, and hadn't thought to check that i had taken my bags. (sheesh) then he took a cab (his car was in servicing too) and picked me up.

thank God that he was working from home that day. i really am so grateful for that. =)

so... he picked me up in a cab, then we went to the servicing place to get my stuff from instructor (mel gallantly wanted to scold him, but refrained from doing so...)... then we went to lot one to eat lunch.

i cried most of the way in the cab, but by the time i got my stuff, i was mostly cried off.

the rest of the day was spent with mel. he stuck by my side. thank you =)

i was kind of healed. i felt understood and cared for.

but the next day, the hurt came tumbling back in.

when an uncle laughed at my hitting a pole.

when a friend laughed that i failed an auto car test.

when a loved one said "did you really do your best?"

when my friends went "oh..."

when i know i have disappointed my dad.

when some found amusement in my plight, rather than empathy.

i know they don't mean to hurt, but it hurt.

but many things have been a blessing and encouragement to me during this time.

i want to share some of it here.

1. a song: Trust His heart

the chorus goes:

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

2. a flower

Mel gave me a red tulip. my favourite flower! it's still alive and 'kicking', in its place of honour - a water bottle in the middle of my dining table at home...

3. a new perspective from God

i wrote this in my journal:

"it's funny how we rip off the arrows that people have stuck into our hearts, and poke them into someone else's. We inflict pain on one another, and everyone gets hurt. But the buck has to stop somewhere. Lord, give me the grace and strength to let it stop with me..."

i can be real with You. =)

tomorrow is a scary thought

tomorrow morning i will be taking my driving test for the 2nd time.

1145am

please pray, people. =)

i feel a mix of emotions.

kinda hopeful and optimistic that the past two months of lessons will have upped my road skills and confidence somewhat.

kinda worried about road conditions during the test. i really hate changing lanes, and it's especially troublesome and worrisome when you have to turn right, keep left, then keep right and turn right at the next intersection. that sucks. =(

kinda excited about what life will be like if i pass! =)

kinda negative, thinking that i won't pass, cos i know any confidence i show is just an act, and maybe he'll see through?

kinda happy that so many of my friends have encouraged me and said "you can do it!" thanks guys...

kinda doubtful that they really know what they're talking about.

yes, in summary, please pray =)

new realisations

i'm really unfairly blessed to have such a patient and understanding and calm and sensible future-husband as mel... heh =) thank you for all you did for me this weekend... i'll always remember it! =)

every family has its imperfections. even the picture-perfect family you think you see has its own cracks behind that facade. but that just reminds me how incapable we are at achieving harmony, happiness and unconditional love on on own. what fragile, inept and self-centered people we are...

a simple well-fitted jacket always ups a guy's 'hot' quotient =) heh.

even though i think i've come quite a ways... i still find security in knowing that my friends think well of me. even though i know God sees my heart and true intentions etc... i always want my friends to know that too, and to be known the way God knows me - but of course, that's quite impossible.

i thought i disliked all chinese desserts (except 'aw nee'), but i've got two to add to the 'i like!' list now: cold steamed milk custard and hot ginger-milk custard. fresh from the kitchen at liang seah street =) heh heh...

there's really a lot more to be done before my wedding, so i need to really start mapping out the next few months' 'to-dos'. =) but it's quite a fun task!

some random stuff.

i had a happy happy day! =)

soul2soul (our new band) is sounding great!!! =D

the previous post is not meant to diss/put down any of my friends. heh. if you are my friend, means you're real. =) i don't like fakes much. heh

i'm going to cut hair on the 27th. haven't decided if i'll highlight or not.... any suggestions?

Real People

Just wanted to share an interesting experience.

the other day, i was ordering wan ton noodles at a hawker centre in the east. the stall was run by two young guys, who looked very jappy with long-ish hair and slouchy pants. not your typical uncle or auntie in a sweat stained apron.

anyways... i must say kudos to those guys for their PR skills. i was feeling pretyt grumpy to begin with, because it was RAINING and i was WET... but they were like "xiao jie, you want to buy our noodles? very nice one!" so i decided, ok i will eat wan ton noodles. so i proceeded to order my noodles, but due to my poor mandarin, made a lot of mistakes in telling them i want no bean sprouts and less chilli and more vegetables... so they were quite amused at me.

anyway, so then they started to cook... then as they cooked, they continued talking to me. like "wah... in the rain also you come out to buy food ah... why never go out with your boyfriend... do you have boyfriend? ... do you have a lot of friends? eh, introduce to us leh!"

ok... reading that, it sounds very gross. but honestly, they way they talked was so ... for lack of a better word, charming.... so that i wasn't offended or scared off in the least, but rather disarmed and cheered. yes, they were obvious flirts, but there was this air about them that made it seem so friendly and warm.

anyway after i got my noodles (take-away) i left the place. end of story...

why am i sharing this? well, i guess it's nice to meet people like that once in a while. after a week of working in a Christian company, after a weekend in church, or out with friends who wear mango and zara... it's nice, it's refreshing to meet someone 'ordinary', someone real - someone who is so down-to-earth, without airs, genuine.

i'm not saying that flirting is good. but it definitely wouldn't hurt some of us - me included - to be like that once in a while. not to be so judgmental and uppity and 'politically correct', but to just let go and be really real.

it was definitely a refreshing experience for me, and I know it was no mistake =)

on another angle, it was nice to know that even though i am no Keira Knightly (my fav actress), even though i am very happily going to be married in a few months... even though i was wearing no make-up and wasn't trying to impress, i am still 'noticeable' and worthy of their attention. not something that i am necessarily looking for, but it's nice to be noticed. =)

my attempt at new year resolutions

i say 'attempt', because i've only done this twice in my life (surprisingly), and both times it didn't quite work out the way i had hoped. heh. but here goes...

1. i want to learn to love unconditionally.

my family, my friends, my colleagues... but most of all my dear melvyn.

over this japan trip, i saw the ugly side of myself. selfishness, pride, spoilt-bratness, whininess etc... i see how far my 'love' falls short of what i had dreamed i would be like, or how i dream perfect love should be. and as i just read on my friend's blog, i was so moved by the kind of unconditional love she has learnt to give to her bf of several years.

i know time is factor, and i have many more years to know him more and learn how to love more true-ly. but i do hope that, in the months leading up to our wedding, i will make more effort to accept and love him for who he is, and appreciate even more the acceptance and love he has given to me.


2. i want to explore new territory

no, i'm not about to switch jobs.

it's just that, reading from another friend's blog about how a childrens' camp transformed her perspective on life, and witnessing another friend's recent decision in going overseas to study nursing, and even hearing how an older friend once put all her reservations and fears on the side to go serve in India... i am challenged.

i want to do more this year. explore more, step out in faith...

not for the sake of 'doing more', but simply because i've seen and heard that such roads lead to much growth, and i want to grow.

it's a scary resolution to make though. but here i go, trusting God for more.


3. i want to be bolder in love

i want to say 'i love you' more.

not to mel - i think i say that a lot to him, and i mean it! =b - but to family and colleagues, friends and enemies.

i think it's partly a result of how i was brought up, but i've never found it easy to say 'i love you' to most people. especially when they are my relatives.

why am i scared? I guess saying those three little words have always made me feel a bit afraid of what the response will be like. like "if you really love me, you wouldn't make me worry about you over so and so..." or "oh.... er... i love you too?" or just an awkward silence as the other party struggles to understand what motive i have in suddenly coming out with such a bombshell. heh

So - to my grandma who is 3 years away from her 90th birthday... to my aunty who has always supported me in whatever i do, and who even now is researching on ways to make the perfect wedding cake... to my cousins who willingly allowed themselves to go on shopping trips with me to search for their dress for walking down the aisle... to my friends who accept me for who i am... to those that don't accept me for who i am... to my colleagues who encourage me, or frustrate me, at different times of the day... to my friends who are slaving over my ang pow box and invitation cards and special item...to my brother whose neutral expression, i've learnt, is a lot more sullen than he actually is (heh)... to my dad who insists on staying up when i come back late, just so he knows i got home safe... to my mum who wakes up at 4AM (i'm not kidding!) every morning to make breakfast and boil water and do her QT before the rest of us wake up...

I LOVE YOU! =)

lastly...

4. i want to journal more...

i've always known the value of writing my thoughts down on paper. and since the beginning of uni, when i was first introduced to the concept of journaling, i have seen a total of 6 journals pass between my fingertips.

but as i look back at last year's entries, i realised that i have 'fallen'. my journals used to be pages long, with long entries on days when someone said something mean about me, or when i had a huge crush on some unattainable guy... but looking at last year's stuff, i was surprised to see how short many of the entries have been. some as short as just a few sentences.

now i'm not measuring the richness of my life by the length of my journal. it's not just that.

i guess i question 'why?' my entries have gone so sparse. and as i think about it, i think the main reason is just complacency.

in a sense, i've got 'my man', i've got my 'dream job' (for the most part), i've got no more exams to gripe about... life, it seems, is a lot simpler/easier/less interesting.

and yet i know that the year has NOT been smooth sailing. that several times i've comtemplated giving it all up for a life of decadence and crime, or felt unappreciated or disappointed with myself or others... so why is all that emo not given the pagination it deserves?

sheer laziness, me thinks.

so... i hope that this coming year, as i have bought myself a hot pink journal (to match a brown one i got for mel. hee), i will make full use of it. not just for the 6 months leading up to my wedding, but long after... that i will remember the solace and wisdom words from past journals have given me, and i will be motivated to continue this tradition of penning my thoughts and feelings and hurts and joys, on PAPER. i will try to be honest, to be real - not simply hiding my anxieties and struggles under holy statements of how i should feel or what the Bible says - to be completely transparents with myself and with God.

here's to many more ink-covered journal pages and memories in the months and years ahead!

my heart is full

it was a very memorable new year's eve. as my family went to church together, as we sat in the pews, i recounted all the blessings i have had this past year. how rich and fulfilling and eventful my life has been! yes, there have been so many ruts in the road, personal frustrations or hurts, conflicts at work etc... but yet there is so SO much to give thanks for!

at the last minute, my friend james asked me and mel to be part of the candle-bearers to stand in the aisle during the last song. i thought, why not?

but God is pretty amazing. by sheer 'coincidence', i was positioned smack right in the middle of the sanctuary! so as i stood there with my candle aglow, i could see all the faces of people around me... the whole stage... it was a very good place to be for that last song.

then right after the stroke of midnight, the sunday school carollers got up to sing. the candle bearers were told to come to the front of the stage and stand facing the carollers. so i was right in the middle watching them sing.

these are the kids for whom i slogged late into the night 3 meta camps ago, to make the musical Point of Grace possible. these are the kids who caused my white hair to increase =b and my idealistic visions of ministry to decrease =b these are the kids whose parents repeatedly asked me, does my son/daughter REALLY need to be there for all the practices?

and yet...

these are the kids who have grown up into young men and women - the nex generation of my church! these are the men and women who have shared their lives with me; some more than others - their loves lost and won, parental pressures, what to do after the A's... these are people who have helped me continue to believe in the power of friendships, the need to have childlike faith that God CAN do the impossible, the friends who have brought so much joy and meaning into my life.

i am SO proud of them.

i saw cherlyn taking the lead. cherlyn conducting them with great joy on her face, encouraging them to smile more, smile more! i remember doing that, not so long ago. now the baton has been passed.

as i watched them sing, i couldn't help but feel that great sense of pride that, once, i have been a part of their lives. once, i have had a hand in molding them to who they are today.

that same moment, God gently reminded me that it wasn't about me making an impact, but that He wanted to show me that He has used me. that He has been good in allowing me to be a part of this, and to see the fruits of that labour. that all glory goes to Him.

i truly am so amazed at all the Lord has done. like the Psalmist, i will give thanks to Him, because His love endures forever; what great things He has done!

so, as 2006 came to an end, and 2007, the year of much change, came into being, i found myself speechless, tearful, thankful and hopeful about all that is to come, and all that He has led me through.

Give thanks. =)