wrestling with emotions... for now

yeah, after the very high past fortnight or so, i'm back to reality now. and so i've suddenly got to deal with the plateful of emotions that i've been grappling with for the past few weeks. esp last week. just didn't have the energy or desire to process until now...

disclaimer: if any of my colleagues are reading this, dun be alarmed... i am trying to deal with these feelings in a positive manner that will not cause any tension or issues etc =) heh

well firstly i feel kinda sad. sad that maybe i'm not cut out to be a 'performer'. i mean, sure God can use the weak to speak His message; sure He can use me to touch lives... but am i the best woman for the job? after the past few weeks, i'm not so sure. i mean, i'll admit i do still depend to a certain extent on what others think of me, and whether i meet their standards. which is why us doing this whole program on 'acceptance' has been really impactful for me personally =) but i do know that many times i dun meet those expectations. even though people may say it's ok, as someone recently told me, no one's going to in-your-face say "you suck!" when we're all supposed to be a loving Christian community right?

i guess what i'm saying is that sometimes i feel doubtful about whether what people tell me is really true, or if they are (thank you) being diplomatic or nice... and yet i want people to be deiplomatic, cos i can't quite take the direct feedback/criticism so well either... so... it's a bit messy i know...

the other thing i'm feeling is resentment. and this i'm really really trying to deal with first, cos i know it can be dangerous to harbour ill feelings and not work on resolving them. so maybe i'll talk to sara abt it sometime. dun think i should share TOO much specifics about this... it's just... well, maybe i'm over-sensitive... but i feel like no one but me is excited for the new acappella group. just little things that people say or dun say or do or dun do... i feel like... other bands, other projects, other people's dreams are crowding the centrestage and pushing my 'baby' away.

i guess it's wrong of me to feel this way... and i do know that its not too healthy... so...i am praying that God will help me make sense of all these feelings. and do pray, along with me, that He will really bless this acappella project. there's a lot i dunno how to do or i feel i can't do... but with Him, all things are possible, right? =)


* * *

Jesus knows we'll never be good enough to earn our way to him
so on Calvary He sacrificed for you and i that all who believe may have eternal life

we're FORGIVEN, no matter what we've done
forgiven, and sheltered by His blood
and we're given the chance to go on living
we're given the life that we could never have before

praise God!

today marked the culmination of 2 months of preparation and 6 concerts (pre-e). about 20 non-Christians turned up for our full-e concert this afternoon - each one truly an answered prayer.

it was pretty nerve-wracking just before the concert, cos we were really sounding pretty bad during the run-through time, cos we're way out of practice for some of these songs. also i tend to go flat, and what with the different acoustics of the stage, afternoon sleepiness, and sheer inability, i went flat quite a lot! so i was pretty anxious. the musicians were also not playing very tight for similar reasons... so... yeah...

but i really am so grateful that i could enjoy a brief moment of solitude just before we were due onstage. i really cried out to God. i really felt like, at that point, no way can i go onstage on my own - God you better be with me or i die type of feeling. there was a moment of total helplessness and terror - yes terror! - and i was reminded of the verse "not by might, not by power, but by My Spirit". that helped calm my nerves and assured me that God was in control.

the concert was far from perfect. we made quite a few mistakes, forgot lines, went off key at some parts etc. but oh, thank God for working through our weaknesses! 6 youths indicated that they prayer to receive Christ into their lives =) and another 13 are interested in knowing more.

after the concert, i was given the tremendous privilege to share with a sec 1 boy. that whole experience was so amazing for me as i look back. i will share more abt that in my next newsletter =)

after tear down and loading up the van, we adjourned to holland v for a humongous dinner ( were starving!) of katong laksa (with no tao3 ge2 and extra hum2 for me), followed by drinks at essential brew - i had ocean mist, a very yummy and refreshing minty tea.

mmm mmmm... =D

looking forward to my four day break which starts... tomorrow! =) haha

coming to the end...

it's been a whirlwind two weeks with 5 performances at govt schools, 3 acappella rehearsals and 1 void rehearsal. quite exhausting...

thank God for bringing us all through it alive, sane and at peace with one another. heh... it's been awesome having the chance to really connect with the students. i dun really know how to describe it...

thw other day, grace asked me - "do you like performing?"

honestly? not really. i dun like having to prance around on stage. i dun find it natural to boogie and groove to the music. i'm not for big gestures.

but what really gets me up there - what makes me want to do all those things, and just do whatever it takes to make the message/show more captivating - is the desire to really bring God's love to these students. i feel for them - lost in a world of unreachable materialism, unmet expectations, conditional relationships, loss of self worth. i want to let them know that there is Someone who really really loves them unconditionally and who accepts them as they are.

that truth, for me, is pivotal in determining who i am and how i react to situations. i mean, more than God as Creator or God as all-powerful, what has really changed my life, and continues to change me, is knowing that i am UNCONDITIONALLY loved and accepted. that God loves me no matter what!

and that is why i really cherish this opportunity to be onstage, having that direct contact with the youths. being able to look into their eyes, into their hearts, and share with them this powerful message. i love that i get the chance to do that!.THAT really gets me excited! =)

so anyways, our season is coming to an end. tomorrow afternoon is the full-e@civil service college, 4pm (come on down if you can! refreshments served at 3pm) and after that GSP season 2005 is over.

kind of sad. kind of relieved - i can sleep more now, and focus on acappella stuff!

life's full of beginnings and endings - isn't it? =)

Void@Work!

the band @ Lakeside Family Centre on 21 Oct



Grace and me



Grace sharing her life with the youths, and encouraging them to accept themselves. the crux of her message?

S pecial and unique

O wn the path you were created for

A ceept yourself for who you are

R ight relationships



our wonderful sound crew!



the 'bangs' - daniel, sindric and don don



baby ryan and me! so C-U-T-E!!! =D

lunch@the line, shangri-la

yummy yummy desserts!
Fr L: almond jelly, tiramisu, caramel custard, blueberry cheesecake and raspberry cordial jelly



chocolate fountain!!!



the chow clan =)

what an exhausting day!

woke up at 530 am. yes, i kid you not... we had to be at our performance venue at 645am, in the far west. =b but it was refreshing somehow to be up so early for once, and to feel the cool morning air on our faces as we headed out to hail a cab. but we couldn't get one, so had to call one eventually =b heh heh...

it was a long day. gig in the morning, gig at night. in between we went back to office. grace and i were feeling restless, so we went to this small shopping centre nearby, and found a really quaint little yogurt place on the second floor. really nice flavours =D and GREAT pr, and pretty affordable too (2.80 per cup).

the yogurt is gelato type, and supposed to be healthier cos it's made with soy beans... but it really tastes good! even though i dun like soy milk generally... i had rum and raisin AND mint choc chip in my cup. hah!

thank God that both concerts went well, although they seem to have zapped all the emotional energy out of me. i feel like all i can do after that is talk nonsense and stone amazingly. haha...

but still managed to muster up enuff energy (and i'm glad i did!) to come online and chat with joypey!!! aw man, she's having the time of her life in the US, where she's gone for a 2-and-a-half months internship at keynote. i really feel happy for her, yet wistful... hope i can go someday too. not just cos it's 'US" but really i feel that it's so exciting to be in such an environment as keynote, where it's ForeRunner on a much larger scale! hee... like can envision what FR can be like someday... with... 10 bands? heh heh heh... =D

speaking of which, God is being great. recently some of the alumni TURT students have decided to form a band.. they're still processing their thoughts etc, but it looks promising! and if so, that would be one more step towards our vision of "hundreds of thousands of bands" someday... God will make a way =)

oki shall go zzz now... tomorrow i am mtg mel's family for his bday lunch at shangri-la hotel! hee! my first time there! i can't wait to see the place, and i've never had a hotel meal that isn't a wedding. ha... in singapore i mean. so... looking forward to yummy buffet!

after that we are going shopping! haven't done that in a while... =)

happy birthday to mel!

we had a nice time at kent ridge park. i cooked - COOKED haha! - the following yummy things:

1. eggplant and minced pork in sweet thai chilli

2. tomato omelette

3. black pepper chicken with green peppers and mango

4. rice

it was really nice weather (thank God) and not crowded, so we could enjoy a little picnic of our own in the park. and i gave him his present, which i've been keeping a secret for sooooo long i almost cannot tahan anymore!

haha!

it's a scrapbook of memories and well wishes. =) a bit hard to describe, but i'm glad he likes it, and i really enjoyed making it! =)

as i made the book, it was really touching for me to see how different people in his life care for him, and have been a part of his life in some way the past 30 years. and to read some of their thoughts as they reflect on how their lives have been connected over the years.

so many of these friends are church friends or cousins that he grew up with, and i was struck again by how little i know him in comparison. in some sense, there is a part of his history that i can never truly know, a 'mel' that i will never get to see. but reading their notes helped me to see a bit of that. =)

and i am once again amazed that God let our paths cross so out of the blue and brought us together. it feels so special when i consider the many other girls that he could have had in his life by now, and the guys i could have had in mine. yet we are together now...

kind of reminds me of this song:

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

what if... ?

what if... i get bitten by a dengue mosquito?

what if... the scar on my knee never goes away?

what if... i trip and fall onstage during Void's performances this week?

what if... i double-book myself?

what if... acappella is a huge flop and it's all my fault?

what if... our gigs get cancelled?

what if... i can't raise my full support?

what if... mel and i end up like those middle-aged couples who spend all their time quarreling or being indifferent?

so many what-ifs!


but...

what if... God had not sent His Son down to empathise with my pain?

what if... Jesus hadn't been willing to die for me?

what if... Jesus hadn't demonstrated the meaning of true love and grace to me?

what if... God hadn't promised to be with me forever?

what if... I didn't have the Holy Spirit to guide me every day?

what if... i hadn't been given the chance to have this relationship with God?

what if... my parents were against Christianity?

what if... I didn't have Christ to walk through every joy and every struggle of every day with me?




* * *

Dear God, so many of my what-ifs have been answered by you. Help me to trust You and depend on You for all the other what-ifs that will come my way. Amen.

tired but refreshed

what a long, tiring week! and yet, how it has refreshed me in God's love.

monday started off pretty discouraging... cos the checkout didn't go too well, and we had some very direct feedback about areas to improve on. not that i don't appreciate the comments, jus that i felt it COULD have been done a whole lot more constructively, and positively. oh well...

that over, i felt quite miserable, but was reminded to put my HOPE in God, and to remember His unfailinf and unchanging love and acceptance for me! and that has spurred me on.

in fact, as i have realised over time, i have finally reached THE STAGE. that stage is where and when i feel at ease with myself. i dun have to strive to merit God's love, or for people's approval. my focus is on God, and i just have to give Him my best and leave the rest to Him.

this feeling tends to come and go for me, but i know i was in this 'state' during TURT 04 - which is why i was able to handle tripping onstagem forgetting lyrics etc... cos i knew that it was all right, that doing/not doing those things was not taking me any further from God.

this time round, after a long time of no performing, it took me until now to reach 'this stage'. where i feel comfortable with myself, and with hearing others feedback - even negative ones - and yet performing in confidence for my God. =)

so i thank God for that.

acappella pracs have also been going good. so glad that everyone has been so enthusiastic and really giving their best in learning some of the difficult bits! =D it's pretty exciting to see the songs taking shape and form.

so... tired? yes.

but i am happily refreshed too, and anticipating the week ahead! =)

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...

YAY! I am so happy that Christmas is coming!!! =D

i love buying/making presents/cards =) so it's exciting to be in that season again. ok... i know it's kind of still 2 months away... but still, a girl can hope and dream... and concoct ideas for gifts... it's all very nice =) hee...


lalala

i bought my first few gifts already =) look forward to wrapping them up and making 'em bee-you-tee-ful... =)

this year Christmas is special for another reason. it's my first Christmas as a staff... and it's been fun and yet challenging thinking of what gifts to give people that will bless them, but doesn't make me bankrupt! haha... so quite fun lah... =b

and of course, it's special cos someone special is in the picture =) AND of course, it's ALWAYS special because Someone Special was in the picture for me 2000 years ago, and it's really a great reminder of His love for me!

waiting for the Christmas lights to come on! =)

love is a many splendoured thing

had a wonderful afternoon at sara and carl's FINAL wedding reception. long story... but basically it's their fourth reception since they got married last august! hee...


i was all dressed up in PINK PINK PINK

pinky red skirt and

pink cardi and

pink rose brooch and

pink lip stick. hah!



heh heh heh


anyways... i'll upload pix tomorrow if i can get hold of them =)

it was so touching to see the video of their wedding ceremony footage from one year ago, and to remember how God brought two people together. made me realize all over again love is. how precious it is, when God brings two together in the most amazing ways.

it's hard to find love.

it's also hard to let go of love when you've found it.

i guess that about sums up life. learning to love God, and seeking to love others. and yet being willing to let go...

october update is out!

click link on the left =)

day with the gurls

what a nice relaxing day, after a hectic week of checkouts, rehearsals and performance! =)

i met my uni friends for lunch (and got my long-awaited belated birthday present!) at cartel. yummy hawaiin pork chops.

good to be silly again and giggle about anything and everything and talk about friends and bfs... heh. and i really like my gift of HOT PINK nail polish, a fake nail set, and a robinsons voucher!!! =) such nice (but often notti) friends i have.. =b

anyway i haven't decided if and when to use those fake nails. they're really really pretty, with sparkly stuff etc... but i'm just afraid that it won't come off, or it will leave a mark or... sth... so... see how =b but i'm going to paint my nails!!!

hee

after our yummy lunch, we adjourned to ya kun for kaya toast (what greedy lil piggies we can be =b) and then shopped =D for a bit. hee...

la la la

tomorrrow is a long day, with church in the morning, sara's final wedding reception in the afternoon, and ngam practice at night. *phew*

but i'm really so thankful that i got such a nice break today. i've been struggling with feelings of insecurity and discouragement ever since the week began, as i realise just how out of touch i am with performing, and how much skill i lack. it gets tiring to keep reminding myself that God loves and accepts me just the way i am - even when i screw up!

but He does - i do know that. it's just... hard to remember that at the right time...

quick notes!

1. acapella is on! please pray for me as i form the team and we begin pracs.

2. VOID is having our first performance TONIGHT at poly meta. i know its too late for u to come, but do pray for the event. we're all a bit unprepared and nervous, but i trust that God will accomplish what He wills through us if we are fully surrendered to Him

3. i think i look good with straight hair (i straightened my fringe for the concert tonight. heh)

4. we had a farewell party for joy today. yummy chocolate fountain, marshmallows, waffles, bananas, strawberries... heh heh... i hope i dun los my voice =b

5. i passed my checkout on "Is the Bible Reliable". it's really amazing, cos as i prepared for it, i realised just how little i really know, and how little i STILL know after the checkout! there really is so much that i have yet to learn or grasp. very humbling experience... also helps me to see how faith is so important.

lean on me - dc talk

yes Lord,

I want to lean on you. i want to share your yoke, which is easy; your burden, which is light. i want to cast all my cares upon You. i don't want to be proud or self-sufficient, i want to depend on You.


(chorus)
Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long ’til
I’m gonna need somebody to lean on

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrows
But, if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

(repeat chorus)

Please, swallow your pride
If I have things that you need to borrow
For, no one can fill those of your needs
If you won’t let them show

(repeat chorus)

You just call on your brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have some problems that you’d understand
We all need somebody to lean on

(repeat chorus)

Make it funky, make it funky
Make it funky, make it funky
Make it funky, make it funky

Cause I’m housin’ this joint
Like a brother with an attitude
And comin’ straight so you best give me latitude
Leanin’ on my boys from the word get go
And bein’ there for them cause the lord said so
Many of us just don’t know what to do
Well take it here and now from the boy named true
Don’t dog a brother out when he stumbles and falls
Just be there to lean on y’all

Call me, call me, just call me,
Call me, call me, just call me, lean on me
Don’t you know that I’ll be there, you can lean on me
Don’t you know that I’ll be there, you can lean on me
Don’t you know that I’ll be there, you can lean on me

i was a grumpy-puss

yeah i was Lil Ms. Grumps last night. i felt really frustrated and upset during Void rehearsal, and it kind of showed. i guess all of us were feeling stressed and manifesting it in different ways... haiz

anyways, felt so crappy and upset with myself after that, that i really wanted to share with mel. so we had supper at macs. fries and garlic chilli - comfort food! he really encouraged me, and reminded me that leaders are human too, and have emotions, and its ok to be upset once in a while, and its ok to show it once in a while. cos i am human, and i am still learning. so it's OKAY. =)

and sharon and zp also encouraged me sometime that night. so i really thank God for 'bringing me out of the valley' somewhat.

i was reminded that we are all justified by faith. therefore there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus. I don't have to look back on that night and keep on kicking myself (or others). i can move on. because i am loved and accepted unconditionally already by God.

this morning, this song came to mind as i was journaling. how true...

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice
My open heart, I offer up my life
I look to You, Lord
YOUR LOVE THAT NEVER ENDS
RESTORES ME AGAIN

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

the miracle is you!

yesterday i went for cell group and got to see my cg leaders' new baby =) she's called erin, and she's the sweetest little red tomato (meant with all the best intentions) i've ever seen! =) she's got tiny fingers and tiny toes and stretches a lot. heh

anyways... as i watched her sleep, suddenly struck by the thought/realisation that any moment, when her parents' backs are turned, she could suddenly stop breathing. or choke on her saliva. or.. something...

it just reminded me at that point, how fragile life really is. every moment is really a gift from God - an evidence of His protection and blessing and presence. and it made me feel very loved and thankful that i have had 24 years of my life, that i am still 'alive and kicking'!

so, i guess what i learnt is that life itself really is a miracle. we often ask for signs and wonders to decipher God's plans for us or to assure ourselves that He is truly there, but in fact, the fact that we are here - walking, talking, breathing - is a miracle!

think about it: we're walking around miracles, evidences of God, all day long! =)