sickkk

i am sick

i have laryngitis. bleah.

yesterday morning my voice magically transformed into this deep throaty thing. haha... i thought it was prob sore throat/flur coming, so took my usual zyrtec and danzen. but by evening it was still raspy. so dear mel took me to the doc, and turns out it's the l-thing above. bah

so slept right after singapore idol (i HAD to see how they did. jasmine is really improving a lot, and poor hady made some not-so-good choices and ken was his usual insensitive self.) and then went off to sleep. woke up at 12 plus today. meandered around the house, ate porridge my daddy bought for me... and did some work on my lappie. now gg back to sleep...

the good thing about this is that i can really sleep. i mean i dun even have to try much. just plonk myself on my pillows and i fall asleep. heh heh. =)

hopefully i will be all well by saturday night, cos i have to perform at my friend's grandparents' 60 wedding anniversary bash. eeps! k byeee

the weekend is over...

what a busy, yet unhurried, one it has been!

friday:

ForeRunner prayer retreat. it was hard to imagine praying the whole day, and not getting bored or sleepy, but somehow the day did refresh me! it was good to have a time of worship on top of a hill at labrador park, with the breeze ruffling our hair and the occassional ant reminding me how blessed i am to not live in a tent or caravan (=b).

pat shared from the book of joel, reminding me of how urgent the times are. yes, the harvest is plentiful, but the harvest only lasts for a short time - the window of opportunity does not always stay open, and we should use whatever opportunities we have at THIS point of time wisely. not just in ministry aspects, but in life in general.

the afternoon was spent in prayer for various ministry needs, various people groups in Singapore (young adults, media students, heartlanders) and sharing of what God has placed in our hearts and minds for ministry.

all in all, a good day of reflection, and reminders of God's grace, and Who's REALLY in control of things. Heh

saturday:

my ONE AND A HALF YEAR ANNIVERSARY! =D hee... mel bought me a pretty pink rose.

the afternoon was spent looking at possible house opportunities, and a showflat at Bukit Merah. I must say, i was pretty skeptical at first. i had my heart set on a home in east. but surprisingly, i found myself liking the Redhill flat a lot more than i thought possible. sigh... so confusing... anyway it's a very sweet and dinky (i say dinky, cos the rooms are def smaller than the older flats in bedok) 5-room flat, with a pretty OK view too. hmmm... so... we'll see. praying that God will allow us to ballot for the flat if that's the ONE He's got for us. =)

at night had a wedding dinner of my church friend at Paramount Hotel (parkway). it was a reunion of sorts, cos i met some friends whom i haven't seen in years... and it was cool to see how different each person's path is, and how they have changed somewhat over the years (and how they haven't too =b)

anyway.. the food was YUMMY, esp the dessert of walnut cream and petit fours, and i liked the decor. but the room was probably too small for most weddings, as it looked like it would fit 25 tables max. so i guess it's more suitable for birthday dinners and such. it happened that my friends' wedding was a smaller crowd, as he's already had a wedding dinner before this overseas, where he got married 3 months ago. so this was more for people in Singapore to celebrate their joy with them. =)

sunday:

met jocelyn for breakfast. talked a lot about life, about direction, about relationships and family and friends... i feel thankful for this chance to share my own life experiences and lessons with her, and to hear how she is being led on her own very unique journey with God!

i will be meeting her regularly for the next few months at least to 'mentor' her. please pray for us, that we would discover truth together, that we would spur each other on to love and good deeds, and that God would direct her path through my counsel, and give me wisdom as to what to say and pray and ask and do.

looooong morning in the sanctuary. shall not delve into that =b

in the afternoon mel and i went to view a few flats in bedok. again i was surprised. they weren't as wonderful as i'd hoped, and i'm beginning to rethink this whole resale thing =b sigh... so confusing life is...

made it back to my place by evening, and i attempted my very first SOUP! =D haha... to be fair, i used chicken stock cubes to begin with. =b but i did add seasoning such as light soy sauce and pepper. my soup ingredients consisted of pork slices, tomatoes, potatoes, golden mushrooms (the stringy white ones) and onions. hee! i must say, it wasn't too bad. although for future trials, i will remember to marinate the pork first =b they tasted rather... bland.

also fried dou miao with lotsa garlic!!! i love garrrrliccccc.... =D we ate that with bread.

after dinner, we had time to just talk about stuff, pray together, discuss church program, and listen to potential songs for the various walk ins.

it was a really nice relaxed and 'comforting' time. we stopped talking about money and house and gown... and focused on just us, and what we dream of, and what we hope for... we also shared our thoughts on a book that the FR gals gave me last week. it's called "Inviting God to your wedding", and i've really enjoyed and been encouraged by all i read so far. so he read it too, while i cooked, and we talked about it after that.

He has made everything beautiful in His time =)

hard to let go

today at church i sat between my wonderful cousins sharon and mark. something i haven't done for... a long time. (mark's been in the US for exchange) and suddenly, smack in the middle of the sermon, as sharon and i huddled together under her trusty green blankie (my church can get freeeeezzzzinggg....) i engulfed by a wave of sadness.

it's not new. been having such waves hit me quite a bit recently. i know it's part of this transitioning process. sigh... wish it wasn't so hard though.

it's about leaving my friends, who have seen me grow up. they saw me at my absolute worst, spoilt-bratness and grumpiness. they heard me venting exam stress on the piano at church. they laughed at my childish antics. they hugged me at my grandfather's funeral 9 years ago. they shared their crushes with me, as i did with them. we giggled together about me having a wedding planned with no groom in sight! we studied together outside the vineyard on the second floor, and got distracted half the time by bridge, gossip and encouragement cards.

so many memories. some happy and some sad, but all treasured, and all have shaped me to who i am, what i believe, and who i count as my friends today...

so. it breaks my heart to think of leaving. i know we can still meet up and have coffee and shop and watch movies and share... but somehow, it won't be the same. sigh...

what's scary, too, is the thought of starting from scratch all over again in a new church. it's not that i think people will be cold or anything, but it's just having to establish new relationships again. i dun find it very easy, even though i'm supposed to be high "I". it does drain me somewhat. to have to remember that they don't know the 'past' me. the 'me' that has changed and grown and evolved over the years. the little 5 year old me and the guy-crazy teenage me and the highly stressed JC me.

the REAL me...

i'm scared that i wil 'lose' myself. that i will pretend to be someone i'm not to gain acceptance or approval from my new friends. and i don't want to be like that. i was like that once before, but not for a quite a while now. i don't want to be a changing chameleon.

i know God is using the process to grow me. i know that He will bring new treasured friends into my life. i know that He is not going to leave me stranded. like what yk said today, i guess i need to keep on trusting in His goodness and sovereignty, not allow my experiences to cloud or change my perspective of who He is and what He is doing. i know He cares for me, and He will carry me through.

change is never easy, but it's the only constant in life, isn't it? =)

building convictions

as i wrestle with some issues of tradition over this wedding-planning period, these verses that i read today have given me a Biblical perspective to hold on to.

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer... Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come... Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:4-12

balanced with:

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' - which is the first commandment with a promise - 'that is may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.'" Ephesians 6:1-2

i guess the key is knowing how to honour my parents' and other elders' wishes and standards, but not compromising on my own beliefs and blindly following any superstitions or traditions. i believe that some traditions do have value, but they should not become a means to an end.

some traditions i DO agree with:

tea ceremony - i think it's a visible and memorable way of showing respect to one's parents and elders for their care and upbringing until now, and it's the first visible act of the couple showing their thanks together. another bonus is the whole family will be gathered under one roof to witness the couple showing their respect and thanks, and to give their blessing - in the sense of approving the marriage.

wearing white - this symbolises purity, I believe. whether pure white, off-white or ivory, i believe that the bride should wear such a gown when getting married, vs all the new-fangled pink, blue and red creations of this day and age.

wedding rings - i do feel this is a very important symbol of commitment. many couples today may feel that this is just a part of the ceremony, but to me, the ring is a crucial statement of our willingness to be united as a couple for a lifetime, and that it's wearing should not be taken lightly. which is why i don't intend to keep my ring away in a box when i am married, but wear it proudly, and constantly remind myself of the vow i have taken. i would be devastated if i ever lost it, so God willing, I won't =b

what will the future bring?

watching the news and seeing the newspapers frightens me. terrorist attacks, plane scares, bombings, threats of tsunamis, war in Israel... all these things are happening all around us. and i know i shouldn't be afraid at all. i mean, the King of the Universe Himself is watching over me, and loves me. what need i fear?

yet sometimes i am overcome by fear. and i bury my head in the pillow and ask God to protect my heart and mind and to help me to trust Him more, and to protect me from all these things.

last week my sunday school class did psalm 1 (we're doing a different psalm each week) and i was struck by the words that "Blessed" is that man who meditates on God's law. it got me thinking about what 'blessed' really means. i dun think it means blessed with wealth and prosperity etc... but does it mean health? being loved? safety? and if so, what about those people who going through so much persecution, hardship and heartbreak? many of them love God and follow Him whole-heartedly. yet i would find it hard to call their lives 'blessed'.

i know that just having that relationship with God is a HUGE blessing. but sometimes i wonder... if a gun was aimed at my head, or at my loved ones, would i be able to still say that i choose to believe in God, to die for Him? sometimes i feel like i would, other times i feel ashamed to say i might just give in.

it's scary to realise just how weak your faith really is. how fragile our hearts are. how easily we can be swayed by our emotions.

i really dunno what the future brings. i dunno how 'safe' Singapore will continue to be. i don't know that I won't contract some terminal disease and die next month. i don't know that mel and i will live 'happily ever after' and enjoy years of marriage together. i don't know that my parents will be here to see their grandchild born. i don't know... so many things...

yet in spite of all this uncertainty, all this gloom and doom.. i am encouraged through the Psalm that we did today - Psalm 139 (see below). i still feel fearful many times, but these words are a reminder to me that He knows what i am feeling; He understands and He knows what lies ahead.

after all, that's why 'faith' is called 'FAITH'.

Psalm 139:1-17

O LORD, You have searched me and You know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue, You know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in - behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, to lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Where can I flee from Your presence?

If I go up the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You because I am fearfully (to inspire others to fear God) and wonderfully (distinct, unique) made; Your works are wonderful (extraordinary), I know that full well.

My frame was bit hidden from You when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

latest ministry update out on the left!

Read more about what's up in the ForeRunner ministry... Issue 2 2006!

a slow day at work...

it's been a kinda laid-back day. not that i have nothing to do, but just that i was alone in the office for most of the morning (everyone else either off or on leave). met eeleen to teach her some photoshop basics, which took up most of the morning.

after lunch i spent a good hour or so organising my computer. i've realised it is sadly messed up, with files all over the place and not in the right folders... so i organised what i could, and beautified my icons etc... quite therapeutic i must say =)

after that had the first TURT 2007 mtg with joy. oh man.. i can't believe we're starting planning again so fast! *shock* haha... i should be used to this after 3 years, but no...

=b

joel dropped in to say hi! here's a fun pic we-who-are-in-the-office-this-afternoon took together on joy's mac!

happy national day singapore

been reading a flurry of blogs, and surprised to see the number of friends who have much well-wishes for the nation on their sites.

as for me, i'm still in a 'shock' that national day has already dawned upon us! i mean... it was just june not too long ago, right? hmmm... time sure flies...

anyways, i dun really have a lot of patriotic thoughts to share. but i must say that God has been good to Singapore. we are truly so blessed, in many different ways. i love that i can go walk along the streets after 9pm, that it's pretty impossible to get lost in our little island, that "Sale" is a constant in our lingo and shopfronts, and that cars keep to the right side of the road - for the most part...

and of course, there's my dear family and friends who make this island a home. truthfully, they are the biggest reason for me to count Singapore as "home".

"blessed to be a blessing..." i'm still figuring this one out. =)

fun pics that i took with joy on her new macbook!

joy and me



twin dots!



crazy colleagues...

my august update is out =)

see column on the left. =) happy reading!

scared, but assured

yesterday i went with mel to a dinner gathering of his growin-up friends. people who have seen him through his teen and early adult years, who have shared exam stress and other growing up woes with him. people who knew him way before i knew him...

we had a really yummy dinner at fisherman's market (or sth liddat) at plaza sing. it's really so much more worth than fish and co. the food is just as nicely presented too =)

anyways... dinner topics revolved around who is attending what church now, and who is not, and who is getting married, and when, and who changed job etc etc... it was all a bit mind-blowing cos i felt like too much info. but generally everyone was very nice, and i didn't feel too out of place and stuff. and i think it was a great opportunity for me to be stretched, to be in a group where i had to start from scratch and make friends, and learn to socialise with different types of people.

but it was also very scary. i was feeling kind of "oh i wonder what they think of me?" most of the time. so a bit nervous about what i said and did. but i kept reminding myself that i should just be 'me' and not worry about what others think so much. so overall.. i think i was pretty true to myself, was pretty real.

but it was a struggle not to focus on'did i do or say anything wrong?' mindset. heh. but mel was really sweet, he re-assured me that i didn't have to act any different, and that people would like me for who i am. so that helped a lot too.

i think this is all good. training me to be myself, whether or not people 'approve' of me. reminding me to find my signifcance and security in God, not in man. a lesson i keep on having to review many times in my life so far!


take me as I am
I lay down all I thought I should be
and I give up my walls of pride
hoping love will find me
take me as I am
never good enough to be loved
so I lived with my pain inside
trusting You will find me

and can it be that You love me this way?
You never ask me to be more than I could be
No more trying to be someone
And can it be?

in the mirror all I saw was that I never measured up
I couldn't like myself so how could I understand Your love?
and I thought love was something bought, by being someone I was not
How could I know?
all You ask is that I let You love me

and can it be that You love me this way?
You never ask me to be more than I could be
No more trying to be someone
And can it be?

=)