indescribable

but i shall TRY to describe some of what i have seen, felt, heard, learned over the past week, here at the lausanne younger leaders' gathering in Port Dickson.

* God really loves me so much!

* God really really loves people so much! He has a plan to win them to him, in such amazing, and unexpected, and unimaginable ways, and with such grace and perfect timing.

* there is so much pain in the world.

* everyone is broken. whether by family, friends, circumstances, relationships or career... everyone has a story to tell.

* i really have such a weak heart for prayer.

* the africans are awesome dancers!

* seeing the NATIONS - literally!!! - praising and worshipping God together is utterly wonderful. like what my friend said, it's alike a foretaste of what heaven will be like.

* God really works in our weaknesses. His strength is made perfect indeed.

* worship is an offering of our pain, our joys, our strengths and weaknesses to God, and beholding His glory, that makes all these fade away.

* each and every time of worship has really torn my heart, allowed me to encounter the Holy Spirit's presence, and brought so mant tears to my eyes.

* the poor and illiterate, the downtrodden and outcasts, need our prayers - so desperately!

* i repent of my hardened heart, of my need for approval from men, of my impatience

* i still care - so greatly - for japan. praise God for allowing me to meet a man who serves there, with his family, and for inspiring me with his encouragement and advice

* i have a long ways to go musically. i have been so humbled by the vast talent that God's people have, and the lack of my own, and the lack of the desire to excel in this area, as i see in these others. i do hope and pray that God will continue to remind me of this, and of my need to grow.

* God is the God of all happenings. He allowed me to run into a guy who knew my cousin while she was in NZ a few years back. how amazing is our God, that i would meet him here!

* God is just awesome. knowing Him and serving Him is SUCH a privilege.


A song that we sang with the nations. by Hillsongs

If my heart has grown cold,
There Your love will unfold;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
When I’m blind to my way,
There Your Spirit will pray;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.

Chorus 1:
Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call.
Hope will rise; glory shown.
In my life, Your will be done.

Verse 2:
Present suffering may pass,
Lord, Your mercy will last;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
And my heart will find praise,
I’ll delight in Your way,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.

Chorus 2:
Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call.
Hope will rise; glory shown.
In my life, Your will be done.
Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call.
Hope will rise; glory shown.
In my life, Your will be done.

building my faith in Him

** here's what was running through my mind yesterday. it was definitely an emotionally-tiring day, but very meaningful as well. i just wanna share my honest thoughts, to give glory to Him. **

930am, after driving lesson

oh no God! How!!?! i hate my instructor... why can't he encourage me for a change? why keep on picking on all my mistakes? oh no... i'm feeling so frustrated and stressed and panicky now. urghhh.

i really did my best. but still i forgot so many important things, like signalling and checking my blind spot. so careless!

(sitting in the toilet, looking at my hands)

You created these hands God. i know that you are the Creator-God. you created cars too, huh. so i guess you created 'driving' too.

(over quiet time at coffee bean)

Thank You for understanding exactly how i feel, God. i know that You do.

i guess this experience is a test of how much i really trust Your heart. i know that You have a plan and a purpose for me. whether i pass or fail, it's Your best intention for me, it's not a mistake.

oh, wait a minute.

i remember what eeleen said after the bill lawrence seminar. it's NOT about me.

oh.

have i got it all wrong?

i'm so selfish. i just want You to do what's best for me. i don't really care if You are glorified. oh dear... please correct my heart. oh no... i'm so jialat.

but You still love me huh.

i really want to want to glorify You. please help me!

(after reading Purpose Driven Life Day 10)

i actually wasn't very keen on starting this 40 days reading plan, but it's my church project. but, oh, i'm so glad i did!

"Put Jesus in the driver's seat of your life and take your hands off the steering wheel. Don't be afraid, nothing under his control can ever be out of control. Mastered by Christ, You can handle anything." (page 83)

WOW.

oh God, such a tailored message for me.

a note of encouragement from You.

an affirmation that You really do care for me.

whether i pass or fail this test is not out of Your control. You have a plan.

Just remembered what Holly Sheldon shared on Tuesday. that You put us in difficult time to 'sift' our character, to make us more aware of our need for You, and to help us to deal with our issues.

i guess this is sifting time for me.

where does my faith lie? or rather, what is my motivation?

do i merely have a myopic faith that "God purposes to do what's best for me"? or do i really trust that "God's purposes are best", whether or not it's best for ME? of course, the Bible says that God also cares for me, and wants to bless me. but is my faith contingent on that?

what if what happens is not 'best' for me, but is 'best' in His overall plan? can i be content with that?

i do love You God. help me to have that kind of faith.

(after pink guava juice at MOS, abt 230pm)

ok God, i am ready.

i've made the mental prep of reviewing each circuit aspect in my mind - when to signal, when to brake etc - and i've spent the morning preparing my heart for what's ahead.

whatever happens, i know i can trust Your heart. i want to take this test as though i were doing it for You - doing my best, and having that awareness of Your presence with me all the way.

i feel at peace now. not anxious, but joyful, because i know You hold my hand.

(walking to BBDC from the MRT... quite a long walk... singing songs to myself)

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
cover me with Your hand
and lead me in Your righteousness
and i look to You
and i wait on You

i'll sing to You Lord a hymn of love
for Your faithfulness to me
i'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go through it all!

You are my God
and the Rock on which i stand
i have found my place in Your arms of grace
oh, You are my God

when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
i will be still, know You are God

find rest, my soul, in Christ alone
know His power in quietness and trust

You are my strength when i am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my all in all
when i fall down, You pick me up
when i am dry, You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus we enthrone You
we proclaim You are King
standing here in the midst of us
we raise You up in our praise

and as we worship, build Your throne
come Lord Jesus and take Your place!

for You alone deserve all glory
for You alone deserve all praise
Father we worship and adore You
Father we long to see Your face
for You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father I love you
and I worship You this day!

(after the test)

i didn't pass.

i'm a little disappointed and sad, but somehow it doesn't hurt that much.

i feel thankful for how it went. all the things i had been worried about at first - You came through for me! my circuit was great, esp the horrible s-curve!

it was a lot of my turning mistakes that cost me. but all in all, i feel so amazed that i got through all the rest! wow.

i feel that joy, even though i 'failed' in the world's sense.

i know that You've strengthened my faith and my trust in You today. Thank You.

And now let the weak say i am strong
Let the poor say i am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us
Give thanks!

so many things to do so little time... =b

rush rush rush...

this has been one long HECTIC day. bleah.

never wrote so many charts in my life, and then i found out that pat actually had some. silly me, should have checked with him. sigh...

i think it was God's way of teaching me that i just cannot control things the way i'd like it. that it's no use getting all heated up and anxious about all that's not done, but He's still in control of the situation. something like a reinforcement of the message we heard this morning at staff meeting. that we will definitely fail, we will be disappointed with ourselves, frustrated at circumstances... but it's all God's way of sifting us, of refining us, and of pushing us to RUN to him, to draw near.

so i want to take this space to give thanks for all the 'struggles', big or small, that i am facing right now, because i know that He is working in all these things, to bring me closer to Him, and to allow me to experience his unconditional love even more. because, really, i don't deserve it.

so THANK YOU God. =)

a broken spirit and a contrite heart, You will not despise

these past 3 days have been qutie tiring physically. attending a 3-day seminar by Dr Bill Lawrence on Christian leadership formation. the tiring bit is having to be here at 8am (1 hour plus travel) and having night time rehearsals for an upcoming conference in Malaysia that we are leading worship at.

but the 'meat' during the conference has more than made up for it! i must confess there were times when i was really too tired to think properly or process as much as i'd like to... but never once did i feel bored or restless for more than a minute. =b heh.

it's been a good time of deep soul searching, heart wrenching and surrender. as we looked into our family history and culture, at the values we hold on to, at the kind of leader we think is 'good', i've come to see many not so nice things about my heart, and how it has got that way.

how do we measure 'good leadership'? for me, even though i might not admit it, or even think i think it most of the time, success is the main criteria. to accomplish the task well, to be productive and effective, to be clear and focused, to communicate well, to encourage my team effectively.

but as i'm coming to realise these few days, this kind of success is not how God measures His leaders. no - true leadership is in the attitude of the HEART, and in total TRUST and reliance on God.

why then do i have this drive to succeed, whether in results or in terms of making myself look good in the eyes of others?

i guess a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and with culture. we are told by parents, by teachers, by the media, by the government - study smart, study hard, aim high, set goals, never give second best.

in and of itself, these things are not 'wrong'. but the problem lies in making these things mantras for our lives, as i think i often do in mine. when the drive to get the highest grades, to produce the coolest newsletter, to not let any balls fall through the cracks - supersedes my reliance on God, my trust in His purposes and plans for me, and His sovereignty.

but God's kind of leader is not driven by the need to succeed. He knows, deep in his heart, convictedly, that God loves him whether or not he succeeds or fails at the task. that He is a blessed child of God. that God is on HIS side, and FOR him, and that God's plans are in motion, to shape him into the kind of person He wants him to be.

so, this is just one of the issues (one of the main ones) that has been brought up during this conference, and there are many more for me, and for my team, to wrestle with. it gets pretty emotional draining, but i know it's good. so... more wrestling ahead!

rain, coffee and a good book

who said rainy days get you down? i actually love rainy days - when i'm indoors that is. heh.

i love to snuggle up in bed or couch with a good book, or with my treasured Bundles, or with some craft thingy to do...

yesterday was a pretty good 'rain-day'. spent the afternoon with mel holed up in borders coffee bean. hee... really thank God for our cozy seat. at first looked like there was no chance of getting a seat, but then this group suddenly got up and left! PTL! =D enjoyed the time of just talking, discussing our thoughts on marriage, our fears, our history, our frustrations, our joys, our lessons from God during this time...

i really feel very blessed through that time. i got to hear more of how God has been shaping mel thus far, through the things he's been through, and it really touched me that, through all that, He was shaping him, preparing him for US. and in the same way, He has been shaping me too, through the people i have met, the struggles i have gone through, to be ready for him now. so... i feel that it is pretty amazing recognizing how God is so smart! haha.... and to see with hindsight how He has somehow made things fit.

sure there will be plenty more struggle, plenty of frustrations, lessons to learn... but i do hope that we will be able to remember from our past, that God does have His purposes. these times of talking has also shown me the ugly side of me. i see how easily i get frustrated, how shrot my fuse is, how impatient i am, how whiny (=b), how unreasonable i am capable of being. sigh... and yet he accepts me. wow... working on improving what i can... reminds me of something someone once said: I'm a work in progress.

meanwhile, we've both gained a lot of insight from "Inviting God to your Wedding", a book by Martha Williamson - the FR gals gave to me to read. i've really been so blessed and learnt so much from it, and so am sharing it with him, and together we've found that it gives us LOADS to discuss and talk about, so thank you FR gals!! =)

hmmm... still praying for house. hee... praying and trusting that God has just the right house for us - one we can make into a HOME. =)

wRESTling

That was the theme for the Young Adult Retreat which I went to over the weekend. The retreat was a 3D2N thing at tanjong puteri resort in johor. I was initially quite apprehensive about signing up, afraid of having to meet som many new people, and be sociable and all that stuff. afraid that i would 'mess up' or make a fool of myself, or, conversely, act like somebody i was not.

the night before i spent some time praying before i slept, to calm myself down. to tell God how i was feeling... all the fears in my heart that only He would truly understand... all the insecurities and uncertainties... i thank God for a restful sleep that night.

well, God really walked with me throughout the conference. each time i felt lonely or scared to strike up conversation, He would graciously bring someone to me. people came up to me to introduce themselves, to get to know me. conversations at lunch came to include me, what i did, what i was like, how i met mel etc... and i felt warmed by the friendship.

i was truly humbled to see how God really brought these new people into my life, created opportunities for getting to know some of them better, and kept on reminding me to be 'myself'. =) throughout all this, mel was really a pillar of support. he regularly asked how i was doing, and made sure to make me comfortable among his friends. as he was camp commandant, there would be times when he was busy in a meeting or discussion with the committee, but God never left me alone, and provided someone new to talk to =)

thank God for also giving us all a much needed time of relaxation. it wasn't really "REST" cos the days were packed with activities, games, sharing times and BUFFET meals!!! but the good thing was i totally didn't think about work AT ALL for those 3 days. heh...

the first afternoon, i played badminton with one group while mel joined the group that wanted to play water polo. it was a step out of my comfort zone to 'go it alone', but i had so much fun! and on the second afternoon (we have 2 hours free time each day) we went horseriding with some others. well, it was more horse-ambling - very slow trot and my horse kept stopping to eat grass. greedy Jackie... =b

the second afternoon and night were telematch and other games, and i was EXHAUSTED. haha... i never imagined being pelted by waterbombs thrown by 40-something-year-old pastors! haha!!! but it was good exercise, very wet, and eye-opening, as i saw the amount of energy most of them have! i guess they must be used to these kinds of camps, whereas the last such camp i attended was probably when i was in sundayschool (18 years old). heh

so... all in all it was an awesome time. i'm SO glad i went. and i look forward to getting to know some of these new friends better in the months and years ahead. it's still scary, but i've seen how God led me through unscathed thus far, and take great comfort and encouragement from that! =)

sparkly moments and an exciting few days ahead

it was a beautiful evening, filled with meaning. last night i witnessed the 60th diamond wedding anniversary of grace and joy's gransparents. Wow... it was so sweet and poignant to see their old pictures, to see the love they had for one another and the love they still share.

i realised that for mel and i to ever have such a celebration means he would have to live 92 years?!?! hee... well, miracles can happen eh? =) hee...

they have a really huge family, and all the grandchildren were the main organisers of the event. the aunties and uncles sang renditions of popular oldies too. i'm sure the grandparents had a special night to remember, and all the guests were equally heart-warmed by the love in the air...

joy and grace were so pretty in pink! will post pics soon...

meanwhile, i'm off to tanjong puteri for mel's young adults retreat this morning. it's today till tuesday. i'm excited about what's in store, also apprehensive about fitting in and enjoying myself and meeting new people. but trusting God to see me through, to walk with me, and to prepare new friends for me as well! =)

please pray for journey mercies, and a meaningful and fun time there! mel is camp commandant, so can pray for wisdom and strength for him too. he's had a tiring week...

yay!

last bit of news: we have a mac book!!! =D more details next post... must fllyyyyyyyyy!!!!