refreshed and renewed vision

i'm back =)

touched down at 11:30pm last night, after a looooong triple-plane ride. i watched 6 movies, ate 4 meals and 2 snacks and read 1 mag. heh... and slept... about 2 hours. =b

my parents and mel were at the airport =) it was so great to see them!

couldn't sleep when i got back =b so i only went to sleep about 3am, and got up today at 6PM. heh... sigh... this jet-lag is gonna take some time...

* * *
i had a really wonderful time with God on wednesday. He really met me where i needed Him to, and reassured my heart so personally, that i feel so encouraged. here's some bits and pieces from my retreat with God:

General structure (based on the seminar i attended last week on "Making wise choices":
1. thanksgiving
2. evaluating emotions
3. evaluating pros and cons of decision
4. read a passage, write down thoughts, reflect on these thoughts
5. make a decision, surrender plans to God


(after a time of thanksgiving and reflecting)
"Lord, from this list i see so many material things that i am thankful for. that in itself is not wrong, God. But more than that, I pray that my heart would treasure You and all Your virtues, Your blessings and Your mercies - more than the things of this world. i desire that You be the treasure of my heart."

turn your eyes upon Jesus

look full in His wonderful face

and the things of the earth will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace


Rejoice in the Lord always. I willo say it again: Rejoice! THE LORD IS NEAR. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:4-7

therefore there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1, 2

*

(after writing out a list of emotions i am feeling, and evaluating why i feel them and what are the root causes)

"am i being ruled by fear or by passion? by anxiety vs. joy?"

"i remember that it is not ministry that calls me but GOD.

i want to know You more
i want to love You more
i want to be that SOMEONE for everyone, not wait for everyone to be a someone for me!"

*

(decided to read the two shortest books in the Bible. just because i had a limited amount of time. so i flipped to contents page and found that the shortest books are 2 and 3 john.)

on hindsight, only God could have arranged it such that i could read this passage. in such a unique personal way, He spoke to me.

"to my chosen lady and her children"

do you know how many books in the Bible are written to women? NONE! except 2 john. it encouraged me on two levels. first, that i am a chosen servant of God's, as all His children are. this means that my life is really in His hands, that He is working all things out for me in the best way. second, God is able to give me 'children' - not just physical children, but spiritual ones, be it through people that are touched through my ministry or through my personal life. it reminded me that, as Christians, we should not 'live for the moment', but really see things from an eternal perspective, and leave a legacy for others to follow.

"and this is love: that we walk in obedience to His commands... his command is that you walk in love." (v.6)

God's primary command is for us to love Him, and others. in way Jesus loved - scarificial love, unconditional love.

"for the sake of the Name they went out"

ministry is primarily to glorify God out of love for Him. to make Him known, for His sake, to create opportunities where God can draw man closer to knowing Him.

*

i decided to end my time with two passages. i had a list of possible passages to read that a speaker from the seminar had given me. so i just randomly picked two.

1. psalms 31:3

"since you are my rock and my fortress, for THE SAKE OF YOUR NAME, lead and guide me."

wow, God reiterated what i had read in 2 john. that my motive for doing ministry must be purely for His sake!

i decided to read the whole chapter.

"I will be glad and rejoice in Your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul." - v7

"my times are in your hands." - v15

"how great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in You." - v19

God is fully able to provide for all my needs.

"in my alarm, i said, 'i am cut off from your might!' yet you heard my cry for mercy when i called to You for help." - v22

"be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

He addressed my primary emotion of fear of the future.

my prayer:
"for the sake of Your Name, oh Lord, if i have heard wrongly or erred in my seeking of You, turn me back. Forgive me for the depravity of my heart. lead and guide me, do not let my foot stumble."

2. john 21

like Peter, God, i am such an emotional person. oh, it's so amazing how You have led me to read this! there are so many things in this passage that directly minister to me.

>>> like peter, i feel like i am in a boat and you are on land. and this peter, who could not swim when you first knew him (remember him sinking in the sea when he tried to walk on the water to Jesus?), actually jumped into the water and swam to You when He saw you again! what passion, what love.

Lord, am i capable of that? can i trust You to help me stay afloat in a stormy sea? are You asking me to trust You and step out into the unknown?

>>> peter was such a klutz, always saying and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. i am reminded of what i saw in the musical the rock and the rabbi. how like peter i am! but, as is illustrated two times through Jesus' encounters with Peter, Lord You provide the fish.

ministry is only as good as You want it to be. it doesn't depend on me. it depends only on You, providing the fish, drawing them into the net. without You, we labour in vain.

>>> the disciples kinda knew that He was God, but they wanted to ask "Who are you?" like them, i dare ask no longer, God. i dare not doubt Your call for me yet again. what a doubter i am. i look back and see how many times You have reassured me that this path i have taken is right, and yet i keep on questioning myself and my heart. let me just simply trust You and not keep asking for more and more assurance!

>>> when peter said that He loved Jesus, He told him to feed his sheep/lambs. that is my response, too, Lord. help me to love you so much that it overflows into ministry, as i seek to love the lost sheep out there, and to build up those in the fold.

*

i am astounded. =)

everyone needs someone

today's message was really good. steve sellars again. i finally REALLY understand what crusade's vision is. i mean, i've always known it, but tonight, he made it crystal clear to my heart.

everyone needs to know someone who truly knows Jesus.

wow. i never quite saw it in that light before. we also the video of a high school girl, staci, who had such a huge impact on her school in her one year as a Christian. i was so moved as i saw friends and strangers share of how she had touched their lives in different ways... she was taken home to be with the Lord in march, due to a viral infection. seeing her friends share what an immense joy and light she had been humbled me so much...

why do i keep asking "what's in it for me?"

"what if...?"

"how do i know that this is best for ME?"

when really... what really matters... is loving God and making Him known. helping to make sure that EVERYONE does know someone who loves Jesus.

i felt like God was humbling me thru that time. a lot of food for thought for my retreat tomorrow...

also saw this really cute pic on my friend's blog. so cute!!!! =D

what to call this blog... hmm...

ha... i couldn't think of a title that would encompass all that i wanna share =b

yesterday evening was really emotional for all of us. before the main evening session message, we were given the privilege of sharing in the joy and sorrows of two families.

the former was the hsy family. they lost their son, brett, when his vehicle was blown up by a land mine. he had been serving in afghanistan, and had plans to marry his fiancee this coming novemeber, and to join staff together with her, upon his return.

it was a bittersweet time as we viewed a photo presentation of the boy that brett was, and the man he had become. he was only a few months younger than me. the photos showed him as the life of the party, the joy of his family and his beloved fiancee, and a light and encouragement to his fraternity brothers in the uni.

suddenly he was gone from their lives...

i can only imagine their pain. their loss. their grief at unfulfilled dreams, plans and longings. my heart goes out to his fiancee, especially, who must have been so looking forward to a lifetime of happiness together with him!

but what moved me - and us all - the most, was the sharing of brett's dad. with tears in his eyes and a choked voice, he shared with us how proud he was of his son, who had dared to shine so brightly and boldly for Jesus on his campus. he told us the amidst the sorrow of his death, there was also the hope of seeing him once again in heaven. amidst the loss of a loved one, there was amazement at how God has used even this one soul to touch so many lives through his life and testimony.

i don't think there was a dry eye in the house that night.


the second family we learnt about was the rosenberg family. joel rosenberg had a dream - to write a novel for God. and so, with no background whatsoever in creative writing, he and his family together prayed about and wrote the book "The Last Jihad".

the book was a huge success! and he has since followed it up with two more - "Last Days" and "The Ezekiel Option".

the amazing amazing thing is that each of his books have been found to be kind of prophetic. i wish i could remember the details, but here's are some reviews that talks about what i mean.

http://www.newsmax.com/archives/articles/2003/12/16/161914.shtml
http://www.nationalreview.com/lopez/lopez010303.asp


wow!

i was blown away by the fact that God has used this medium to once again demonstrate that He truly knows the beginning and the end. and many have learnt more about God through these books.


the message that night, by stephen douglass, reminded us all to keep asking ourselves the question "how am i doing?" this allows us to grow, to focus our life and efforts on what is really important, to help us fit in with the times and with the ministries/communities we are in.

if u wanna know more, please go watch the archived webcasts on csuweb.org


* * *

didn't manage to sleep a lot last night cos some silly car was honking away for some reason. urghhh... so woke up none too joyful. but managed to stay awake this morning =b altho fighting the zzz-monster took up most of my listening-to-the-message-and-digesting-it energies... =(

then it began to rain, and the wind got really furious. i felt so chilled to the bone! had to scurry across the street to get my subway lunch (the nearest cheap food around) and then came back for the afternoon seminar on starting a website.

it was kinda disappointing personally. but i did see that a lot people there were pretty *ahem* mature... so probably a basics seminar was more necessary. and it was a good refresher for me.

also considering starting my own web page and getting a domain name. hmmm... just a thot for now...

* * *

i'll be meeting lindsay for coffee and chit-chat in about 15 min. =) there's this cute little cafe nearby called wired bean - i think we'll be going there. heh...

brrr... it's SO cold today! =b


* * *

tomorrow i am gonna have my personal retreat. looking forward to a refreshing and meaningful time...

if You want me to...

a song of commitment to whatever God reveals to me in the days ahead. got this from a friend's blog =) by ginny owens. may it bless you as much as it did me. oh Lord, i want to trust Your heart in every circumstance.


*if you want me to*


The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

a day that spoke to my heart

today was an amazing day. no, i haven't quite got all the answers to all the questions that i'm looking for... but still - God met me in a very real and personal way.

last night we had small group sharing among the singapore staff, and we each shared what was the most memorable part of the conference so far, and what God is teaching us through our sessions here. (i shared about the hoyt video)

one of the girls (Myl) shared a really cool story of how she had been missing her cat (she loves cats!) and how she had woken up feeling so depressed and had prayed for God to send a cat her way that day. for those of u who dunno, over here in the states, stray animals sightings have been REALLY rare... and when u do see one, it's usually a dog.

so anyway... she felt pretty silly praying that, but she did anyway. and in the evening, God did bring a cat across her path! ini a really amazing way. what happened was that she had planned to have a retreat with a friend, K, in the afternoon, but they got caught up with shopping, so by the time they got back to the house it was late afternoon already.

so they busied themselves making and packing a picnic of sandwiches and cup noodles and drinks and eggs and sausages (wow, a feast!) and left for a nearby lake to have their retreat.

but as they were walking there, the wind started to blow really strongly... and they could feel droplets of rain beginning to fall. but K really wanted to go to the lake, so Myl just followed along...

when they got there, it was seriously drizzling. people were like leaving the park or taking out umbrellas... haha, but these two cuties just defied all wind and weather and sat down to their picnic.

eventually the rain died down to a lighter drizzle, so they moved out to the lake's edge to continue eating. and then, lo and behold, Myl saw this black lithe figure lopping along behind a girl and walking across the park in the distance!

as they got nearer, she saw that it was a CAT! oh man... but she was feleing paiseh about going up to touch the cat, even though she had been wanting to do that for days..

it was only when K really egged her on, even shouting at her to "run after it!" that she ran... and she did meet up with the cat, and she got to hug and stroke it, and she got to speak to the owner, who turned out to be a Japanese studying here.

this is the really cool part - God gave Myl a chance to share her faith with this girl! i mean, sure the conditions weren't exactly ideal, and i'm pretty certain she didn't have a 4SL with her, but she got to share that she's here at a Christian conference, and that she believes in God, and that her seeing the cat and getting to touch it was an answered prayer!

the girl is pretty open to hearing more, so do pray for Myl as she has arranged to meet up with this girl, Nori, tomorrow (tuesday) afternoon to share more.

as i heard this story, i was so moved that, once again, God has shown that He is a God of all our happenings in life - big or small. that He truly and deeply cares about our smallest fear or concern, and that He really understands what we need.

Myl felt loved by God as she saw Him answer that prayer and provide that divine encounter in such a cool way! and for me, that story inspired me to really be bold and ask God to give me the answers i so desperately need in the next few days.

and God has not disappointed me!

today as i walked to moby gym with joy, i was sharing with her some of my concerns and doubts and fears, and i was rally encouraged that she said she'd be praying for me.

so as i entered the hall for the session, i just prayed that God would speak to me so so clearly, that i would know that whatever i hear is NOT a figment of my imagination, but really from Him.

you know what? God sure has a sense of humour...

the speaker for today was joe stowell. and for the life of me, i can't remember how he began his message. but what i do remember, is God's special way of getting thru to me! somewhere within those first 5 minutes of his message, joe said "I hope i'm connecting the dots."

maybe i was sleepy. or distracted. or just plain deaf. but you know... i heard this: "I hope i'm connecting to dotz."

don't laugh =b

anyway it felt like a surreal moment. i thought "huh?!" it was like God was telling me - hey! listen up!

a split second later i realised that he couldn't have said what i thought he had said, and that he had said the former statement. but that realisation didn't dampen the joy that i felt the rest of the session. i was certain that i had divinely misheard the speaker!

anyway... guess what the rest of the session was on. the past few days have been on God - the God of grace, God of hope, God of peace. and today... today was just a totally different topic! (we aren't given the main session topics beforehand so every day is a surprise)

so. today's topic was on "Following Christ". not just the message by stowell, but also the hour plus musical "The Rabbi adn the Rock" which was performed after that. (it was a really amazing rendition of Peter's story)

wow. how relevant is that! throughout the morning, i felt that God is telling me to trust Him. like how Peter trusted God to come out of the boat during the storm, but then saw the rocking waves and dark skies above and started to sink, but was pulled up again by Jesus.

i feel like Peter. i can SO identify with him! i, too, am rash, am impetuous, am emotional. i mean well, but say the wrong things. or do the wrong things. i, too, have denied Christ so often, for fear of losing face. not in the same way as Peter perhaps, but in other ways. like not sharing Christ with the person next to me on the plane, when i feel the prompting to do so. or not offering to pray for a non-Christian friend who is hurting because i am afraid of what she will think, whether she will be offended.

but, like Peter, i realise that God has given me so many second chances in my life! and He keeps giving them. He really loves me not for what i can do for him, but for just being me, and He just wants me to love him.

whether or not i go full-time still matters. the choice is still important. but today's session assured me that, what should be a key factor in my decision, is my love for God. sure, God has given me passions and talents, and these help to point me in the way i should go. but also i have to examine my heart and see if i am doing this for God or simply out of duty because He has given me these things.

it's quite a fine line for me, to distinguish between these two. but i hope that as i continue to pray and listen out for Him, that i will have an answer soon.

i am trusting God to make things clear before the end of this conference. =) to cement my faith in Him as i make this important decision. to help me certain of His calling, despite the uncertainty of the days ahead.

The Middle

i know i just blogged a few minutes ago, but i just read this on my friend's blog, and ti encouraged me soo much that i wanna share it with you =)

The Middle

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out orlooked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out orlooked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

sunday, my day of (forced) rest

yesterday i slept really really late.... and my throat had begun feeling funny... so it was no surprise that i woke up this morning sniffling, sore throat and headachey. sigh...

but i got myself out of bed and somehow made it through bagel breakfast (and doused myself with danzen) and sunday worship at moby gym. but after the message, i really couldn't stay on for the prayer part. i was really falling asleep cos of the medicine... and felt really gross. so i went back to the house and zzz-ed for a couple of hours. =b

i felt a whole lot better after my nap. got up and had an apple cos i was still full from the bagel and went with some of the girls to old navy and target supermart. (we had the afternoon free) didn't spend much cos i dun have much left! (hee... i'm sticking to my budget *beams proudly*)

then joy, sara and i met the andersons for a nice pizza buffet at woody's pizza. the place was PACKED. really nice stuff though, and the ambience was so cozy and warm... and the kids were happy with the crayons and paper they were given. heh heh... so cute! i'm gonna miss them soooo much...

anyways... now at the wired bean with joy and sara, just chatting and talking about TURT stuff and future direction for FR and what we have learnt so far from the conference =) btw this place is really cool. bet it gives starbucks a run for their money! hee... and a whole lotta more sofas! hee

k anyways... i said i'd share about yesterday. =)

so... what happened at night was we had like sharing of what's happening through crusade ministries all over the world. it was really cool cos it wasn't boring in the least! the MCs ran it like a talkshow thing, where sometimes it was a video-ed presentation, sometimes it was a skit, sometimes it was a spotlight on some people in the audience... so so amazing to hear what wonderful things God is doing all over the world, and how He is bringing events and people to the right place at the right time.

it was so touching to see all that He has done even through human tragedies, such as the tsunami. and to see how people are really not moved by fact and logic, but by our unconditional love and care for them...

anyways... do check out the main session messages online and be blessed =)

you can watch the sessions live from Moby Auditorium at CSU in Ft. Collins, Colorado at http://www.csuweb.org. just click on the "Live Webcast!" link near the upper right and select the connections that are most suitable for you. You can also look at the conference photos in the website too.

do note however that there is a great time zone difference of 14 hours between Singapore and Denver. So the morning session at 0900 over there can only be viewed over here at 2300 hours of the same day. To find out the timing of other programs, you can check the program schedule that is also placed on the website and go to http://www.timezoneconverter.com/cgi-bin/tzc.tzc for the time zone conversion and choose between America/ Denver and Singapore. =) i know it's kind of a tedious process, but i know that many of you will be encouraged through these sessions, esp the alice matthew ones =)

another thing to check out is www.teamhoyt.com

we were shown the video here, and i just cried so much cos it really demonstrates the depth of a Father's love. and this is a human father - how much more our God who loves us infintely more!

* * *

i'll be having a personal retreat on wed, to process all the thoughts and feelings that are bursting to be evaluated. please pray that i would hear God clearly and be refreshed through that time too! =)

God of Hope

yesterday the main session message was on God's grace. today's message, again by alice matthews, was on our God of hope!

she focused on the story of Lazarus in john 11. there were too many gems of coolness in her message for me to remember and type all =b but here's what struck me the MOST:

1. God's love is so great and so wise that He allows us to go thru trials and suffering and to 'lose hope' in the things we depend on or trust in, so that we will ultimately turn to and find true hope in Him

2. God leads each one of us on a personal 'hope' journey - he doesn't expect us all to have the same ability to trust Him in the face of adversity. instead, He meets us where we are, and leads us one step further from where we stand.

i was amazed to see how Jesus led mary and martha on very different tracks in the things he said to them, even though they both started with the same phrase: "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

to martha, who expressed a certain amount of trust and faith in Him (v22), he matter-of-factly told her a deep theological truth - that He was the ressurection, and the life; that whoever believed in Him would live. He knew that that was what martha needed to deal with the situation.

to mary, who fell at his feet weeping, He was 'deeply moved' and wept along with her. He empathised with her need at the point where she needed him most. He knew she needed His comfort more than any words of wisdom.

i was reminded that God really really knows how i feel and what is going through my mind, and what i REALLY need. and He will provide what i need at the right time in His own perfect way.

* * *

the afternoon seminars were really good. i went for both slots today:

1. Girls just wanna have Fun-ds

- about support raising, as a single woman - the implications, joys and struggles...
- feel really inspired after seeing support raising as not just a means of asking people to partner with me, but it's really giving others an opportunity to invest in God's kingdom in tangible ways! (i'm NOT just saying that to get ur support. i really do mean it!)
- basically have a fresh new perspective and renewed passion for support raising and got some ideas to try out =)

2. Living large on a staff salary

- this was on how to make your dollar really stretch.
- a good talk for me - focusing on methods to save, give and budget. =) heh heh


* * *

the night session was AWESOME AWESOME and i will blog about it more tomorrow cos i have to run now... hee...

thanks all for praying for me. i have so much to process and think and pray about... really thankful to God for bringing me here!

end of a great first day =)

just finished the evening session of worship and message by dr. alice matthews (she got her phd at the age of 70?!?!) a really encouraging message, reminding me that God is a God of second chances. the passage she expounded on was John 8:1-12.

how many times have you felt like 'kicking' yourself for something silly or stupid or plain sinful that you did or thought or said? well, i know i've experienced that quite a lot in my life! what alice reminded me was that God is truly our God of grace, not condoning sin, but not condemning the sinner.

it was a really timely reminder for me. as i grapple with perhaps having to give this whole new staff thing yet another think-through and pray-over... i am reminded that it's ok to not be certain; it's ok to second guess; i don't have to blame myself for not being wise or surrendered enough the first time round... i can simply bring all my fears and concerns to God and wait for Him to speak to me, and know that He is pleased with a surrendered heart and a humble spirit.

the songs this evening really ministered to me too. a lot of them were new, so i cna't remember the lyrics now =b but thank God for blessing us (through keynote) with a free copy each of the cd compilation of all the worship songs that were sung today! =) hee...

we also got a lot of freebies from the ministry fair. in fact, i had to turn some away, cos i dun think my luggage will hold a 10 inch tall stuffed toy dalmation doggie for instance =b hee...

ok going back to my humble lil abode now... i'm looking forward to tomorrow's session. it's kind of scary too, because i have all these residual fears in the back of my mind about the future, and i'm feeling like God just wants me to let go and to trust Him and to wait for Him to reassure and encourage and direct me in His own time. but it's kinda hard to not let that distract me.

what to say, Lord

it's You who give me life!

and i can't explain just how much You mean to me now.

that You would guide me in every single step i take

that everyday i can be a light that shines Your Name!

every day

it's You i live for

every day

i'll follow after You

every day

i'll walk with You my Lord

it has begun!

yesterday first. quick update: anderson kiddies have stomach flu. lisa worn out. no factory outlet trip after all =( but had a good time at foothills mall with candy. good to not just shop, but get to know her as a person too. she's really sweet and very good to shop with. we shop at the same indecisive slow pace and like the same girly stuff.

=) got some great stuff. thank You God for blessing me with these things!

the opening carnival/fair at night was awesome! imagine a carpark transformed.

ferris wheel

bunjy jump machine

spinning saucers things

a stage where all three of the keynote bands performed

face painting and balloon twisting for the kids

hay bales galore

hay on the ground!!!

loud music!!!

corn dogs. hot dogs and relish. snow cones. ice cream cookies. caramel apples... mmm

yup. it was great to see everyone having a good time, and to meet lots of new people whom i shall try desperately to remember the names of.

today the conference started proper. the morning worship was an incredible time of praising and adoring God, and really putting the focus all on Him. kudos to the keynote worship team for leading that time.

i really felt so drawn into the presence of God, to be able to freely worship without worrying about what people ard me think. and it was an amazing sight to see the MULTITUDES (about 6000+) staff raising their hands in praise to our one true King!

the message by steve sellars was really heart-renching and thought provoking. basically about humility and brokenness before God, about desiring God above all else, and why that is so SO hard.

i was among the many who really cried along with him as he brought us through a time of reflection, prayer, repentance, intercession and just resting in the presence of God.

something really cool i learnt: rest in God is simply remembering that God is in total control and letting go of the reins. it doesn't mean not busy or not investing emotions and time in the things happening, but simply subjecting all those emotions and acts to God's agenda and timing. sounds 'holy' i know, but i dunno how to write it in the simple yet gut-wrenching way that he said it!

this afternoon went for a seminar on making wise choices in life. it was very inspiring and i'm just looking forward to an afternoon next week when i can take my own personal retreat and ponder on some of these things...

now going over to the ministry fair with shirong (another sccc staff) then we are gonna get sandwiches and eat our picnic dinner on the grass lawn, before going for the evening message and seminar. =)

God, truly You know what is upon my heart. help me to just let go and let You show me what You want to show me on this trip.

His mercies are new every morning

great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father!

today woke up feeling rested and relaxed. that was a good start to the day =)

morning we had a talk by the korean national director. he was really cute (the way he talks) and reminded us that we are in spiritual battle and that we need to stay focused on what really matters to stand firm - till the end. he also really inspired us to earnestly desire and work towards every student having a chance to hear the gospel. i felt like he has such passion for his people, esp for the students, that spurs him on to such heights!

after a nice leisurely korean lunch, went to current, the cards/stationery outlet with lisa and some of the girls. we got some great deals. like 60 Christmas cards for 4USD!!!

thank God for the great deals that we have been blessed with. when we registered for the conference on monday, we were each given a goodie bag. and among the stuff in it were a couple of coupons for some of these outlets. so we get further discounts! thanks to our really wonderful sponsors over here, like crossway publications, current and the university. =)

tomorrow morning i am sitting the anderson kiddies, while mike and lisa go to a talk. then lisa is bringing me to the factory outlets. yay... my first time!!! =D then after that it'll be a looong night of the opening fair. there'll be a HUGE praise and worship time (think 6000 staff and about 3000 kids) and then presentations by different ministries and booths and lots of goodie bags! =)

and i can't wait to hear and see all the bands of keynote!!! =D esp the cool punk band. muahaha...

ok. so today was a good day. i feel better emotionally... but still need to remember to take time to really process all these fears and issues boiling under the surface, before it all explodes! =b heh...

i miss singapore but i love america too. sigh...

.tuesday.

this morning i woke up nice and late (830am) cos i was up late last night chatting to mel =b hee... didn't go for the john piper session in the morning, cos it's really too much info for me. instead, i took his book and had my own personal retreat at starbucks.

really glad i made that choice. cos the book is so much easier for me to grasp than his talk! i think i'm a person who thinks slow generally... as in i process things more. so it's hard to track with a message that's so cheem and theological. but reading is easier cos i can pause and ponder and reflect.

yup. after that i went for the talk by a staff who serves in egypt. he shared with us how the ministry is over there, the struggles and persecution they face, the suffering they go thru, the interrogation he himself wen thru...

listening to him, i just felt so grateful for the freedom we have in singapore, and in so many parts of the world too. and sad for the muslims in these countries that have such a hard road to accepting Christ. it's so tragic how many lives are blinded by fear, by prejudice, by hate.

he also challenged us to really love our neighbours. i think it was very brave of him to do that, esp in a room full of americans. he asked us to really love the muslims in our community. and to fervently pray for them, and seek to love them as Jesus does.

after that i had a long lunch mtg with sara. it was pretty packed with discussion of new bands and programs and all that has to be done in the days, weeks, months ahead. came out of it feeling such a mixed bag of emotions - excited, scared, overwhelmed, grateful, fearul, frustrated, overwhelmed...

God, i know You want to teach me something from all this. thank You for bringing me through all these situations and emotions. please guide me to make the choices You want me to make!



** PLEASE NOTE: some of you might think that i have a lot of free time. well, i do! i realised i haven't really made it clear to my dear supporters what the schedule is like. i myself didn't know until registration two days ago.

backtrack a bit first... last week when i was in indiana, that was NOT part of the conference. and please be assured that i did NOT raise support for those days of fun and relaxation. it was my own treat to myself - a welcome respite from the busy months of work. =)

ok so now in csu...

basically monday and tuesday are campus days. this means, there are sessions in the mornings and evenings, compulsory for all campus staff to attend. the evenings are very campus-focused, like on DG and mentorship, so i do not go for those, since it really had little effect or relation to my ministry in ForeRunner. i do try to go for the morning sessions, cos although they are campus-focused too, they are a bit more general and more inspirational rather than technical skills.

thursday night the full conference starts.

friday onwards, we have worship and devotions in the mornings, seminars in the afternoon (we can choose which to attend and how many we want to attend) and another message in the evenings. this part of the conference, all the messages are aimed at the heart. that is, it is not ministry-related, but soul-related. in other words, it is a time for us to grow, not as STAFF, but as SERVANTS.

i am really looking forward to that time of refreshment, recharging and rekindling of my passion for God and for missions. my prayer is that, as John Piper urges in his book that i'm reading now, i will find true and total joy in my God, that everything else i say, do and think will be an outflow of that joy, and not based on a list of dos and don'ts.

so i just wanna make things clear. yes, i will be spending some of that free time shopping or relaxing. but i do know that my main aim here is to meet with God. that doesn't mean i have to attend every talk and every seminar conceivable or stay in the room with my bible the whole day. because this is a very precious time of retreat and relaxing as well!

it's kind of hard to put into words what i mean to say lah... but i do do DO appreciate all your prayers and i am really trusting God to teach me many things during this time, and at the same time to give me an enjoyable time with friends here.

=)

chased the monday blues away...

yesterday evening was an all-time low for me. but today is a lot better. =)

shall elaborate a bit...

well, most of yesterday was incredible and awesome. i got to go to the rockies (mountain) with the andersons. it was a loooong drive up to the top, but it was fun too, and very educational, cos lisa gave a running commentary of the areas we were passing thru - montane, sub-alpine and alpine - and the kind of rocks and rivers and glaciers and streams we were passing by. the road was really narrow and winding though! i'm sure i would never have had the guts to drive up in a million years!

anyway, at the top, it was really nice and chilly. we had lunch at the visitor's centre, which is like a log-cabin thingy with a restaurant, shop and restrooms. i had chilli dog - which turned out not to be singapore type chilli, but chilli sauce, which means beans and gravy =b - and a ben and jerry's 'chocolate cookie dough' cup =) yummm...

then we walked up this really long but (thank God!) gradual slope that led to the summit, and the wind was CRAZY fierce up there! literally felt like i could be blown away! hee hee... it was fun though... my ears and hands got really cold. *brrr*

took lots of pics up there, windswept hair and all, but we didn't spent too long there cos it was hard to breathe cos the air is really thin at that altitude (about 12000+ feet above sea level) so down we went back to the car... and drove along another windy road. to...

A SNOW PARK!!!

yes!!! i saw snow!!! =) heh heh... it was so cool to finally see snow for the very first time in my life. =) true, it's old snow, remnants of the huge glaciers of winter time... but still, it was fairly white and verrry cold (no mittens) and very surreal, with the hot sun beating down on ur heads. heh...

cold and hot - all at the same time. =)

i made a leetle itty-bitty snowman-lette =) ha... got a pic of that! and also had a snowball fight with the anderson kids. =b but my aiming wasn't too good. i got hit more... sigh... =b

after that we went to a nature trail somewhere at the midpoint of the mountain, before we left for home. another long drive, and this was a bit headachy, i guess, cos we were tired, and the kids were being a bit naughty. heh...

anyways...

reached my 'house' and bid farewell. and stepped into... an empty house.

the rest of the staff had gone to a dessert buffet organised by one of the europe ministries.

immediately i just felt so drained. so tired and weary suddenly. like my dream day had come to my end; like my bubble had been burst, and i was back to reality...

u know the feeling? yeah...

the feelings of weariness were compounded by the fact that i suddenly felt really sad that, after this trip, i might not see the andersons for another 4 years... which means sweet lil kevin will be a young dashing lad of 16!!! i just felt like... oh man, it's really bum-my that i won't see them grow up and go thru life... that kinda thing...

and i felt so abandoned by all the singaporean staff. like (ok i know it's really not their fault or intention) i felt that they had all walked out on me. that i didn't fit in. that i never will... that kinda thing. like maybe we're on different wavelengths cos of our different ministries and all... or something

then because i was already in such a mellow mood, i also started thinking again about how unsure i suddenly am about coming on staff. so many "what-ifs" clouding my brain, so many uncertainties, so many potential pitfalls, so many fears... and i kinda just crumpled a bit...like just curled up in my room and got depressed and wallowed in self pity and fears for a long while.

...

but finally, i decided it was silly and childish to let my emotions get the better of me. i decided i needed to talk to someone, so i called the andersons, but they didn't pick up. somehow that just made me sadder... sigh...

so i decided to bathe...

well after bathing, the house was not empty anymore - i could hear voices. turned out a group of american and korean staff were having a mtg in out dining room. hmmm... so i didn't really wanna intrude them. so now i really felt like so lost and alone...

and i tried to get online to chat with mel, but the darn wireless connection was down! of all days! oh man... i felt so screwed.... urgh

well, the sky here turns dark only about 9pm, so, it was about 7. so i decided, what the heck, i'll go for a walk on my own! so i left the house... armed with my wallet, sweater and phone. me against the world =b

as i was walking out the gate, i suddenly thot, maybe i'll just try calling the andersons again. so i did, and YAY! lisa picked up! heh... so she said to just come on over... =) so i did.

really thank God for lisa. i think i really really needed to let all my emotions out. all my fears and frustrations and uncertainties and sadness and... stuff.

she really really listened to me, and the best part was she didn't tell me if i was being right or wrong in having these feelings. like i wasn't made to feel guilty or silly for having all these emotions. i just felt safe and like i could share. so that was really good...

lisa said this is all satan's ploy to disarm me. and u know what, as i think about it, maybe she's right. i mean... it COULD be just me, but probably a part of all this raw and negative emotions are his doing. hmmmm... so, it was good to have that perspective. and to hear her say it's going to be ok...

it was good to cry. without feeling like i had to mop up or restrain myself or explain why i am so ridiculously emotional...

so. anyway... after that, i went back and had the best sleep i've had since i... well since i found out about staying in...

i know my fears are still there. and one by one, i need to process them. but having lisa there made a huge difference to me. i dun think i will ever forget that night!

today i went for morning worship, led by the american TURTers. =) really cool people and great time. then john piper gave a talk on the gospel. it was really good to be fed a lot of food for thought. i think such messages are good - once in a while. to make u think.=)

but what really inspired me was the second speaker, who was the CD of new mexico university. he shared about all the risks he and his staff team have taken over the years on their campus, and how God has come thru for them time after time. it was really so encouraging and heart-warming to see the passion and vision he has!

at the end of the morning, surprise surprise! we each got a free Bible and a book (Desiring God by John Piper) sponsored by crossways publications. hee... apparently, every day, we'll be getting stuff like that! =) heh... so i'm thinking i might need an extra bag to lug it all home! hee...

after lunch at wendy's with the campus staff, i went to the keynote showcase of three of their bands. AWESOME! heh... chasins elvis, blue sky nine and dave pendleton's ventriloquist act. yeah... i really enjoyed the hour plus there. it was so cool to see them play and sing their hearts out and to hear about how God has used them in campuses around the world.

yeah... so now i am in mike's room, typing this. cos te campus staff are at an evening seminar that i dun have to go to, and that i decided not to go to cos it's not a topic that really interests me. i think later sara and carl will be picking us up for ice cream =) hee... yay...

thank u for ur prayers. i feel a lot better... just trying to tackle things one at a time. =)

i do miss singapore...

day 3, 4, 5...

yeah, i haven't been able to get internet access for quite a while... so shall try to cram what i can into this blog =)

day 3:

after visiting the keynote office, jen had a load of errands to run, so she dropped me off at carmel town, and i spent about three hours just wandering round the streets...

i had a yummy and quite cheap sandwich (US$4.50) at jim jones. took LOADS of pics of the quaint little streets and shop fronts and flower pots and road signs... and i got a pretty green and purple retro skirt (70% off!!!) from the Loft. hee... i think it's so pretty!!!

anyways.. then i was really really sleepy... so after jen picked me up at 330, i just went back and slept until 6plus. when she came to wake me cos it was dinner time =) so sweet, she and the other gals in the house had whipped up a feast while i was sleeping. gourmet sausage and sauteed green french beans and rice with cajun spices. mmmm... yumm =b

after that yummy meal, the gals went to their rooms cos they had various stuff they needed to do... so i went to see their bulging dvd shelves... hee... and i decided to watch princess diaries 2 (since i watched the first one at the andersons) heh... it's a really sweet show. i know most people dun like this kind of soppy/sappy romances, but i just love them. i mean, movies are supposed to transport you into another world right? and nothing does it better and more satisfyingly than sappy romances =)

that night i couldn't sleep much again. sigh. i got so frustrated at one point i started crying a bit... haiz... so silly of me... but in the end thank God i managed to catch about 2 hours of sleep before dawn...

day 4:

we had to wake up really early cos the bus was scheduled to leave the keynote office at 7am. heh... it was a really overwhelming to suddenly see so many new faces and names and kids. so i think i was like really shy for a while. took me about a day to really warm up and talk more... =b tee hee

they are really nice people though. just that i dun get some of the jokes and sometimes they dun understand me, maybe cos of the singaporean accent. and it's quite an effort to skip out all the singlish. haha... in fact i feel like i began to speak in a cross-breed accent when i talk to them! like half singporean, half american =b

it was cool to see the fields and rows and rows of corn. later, as we entered kansas, the terrain became a lot flatter and more hay fields, with all those rolls of hay. u know, like those that were used in the amazing race??? =) heh heh... it was cool to see those! and cows (and smell their manure) and piggies and horses too!

heh... but after the while, it was tiring to just look out of the window, so i did some WORK. heh... i did publicity stuff for our new band, as well as thought up various concepts for the new acapella band that we are planning for the Christmas season =)

at night, roomed at Day Inn with jen and denise. denise actually knows most of the forerunner staff, cos she came to singapore a few years back to conduct summer project training. heh... she told me a few juicy tidbits about the couples in FR too. heh heh heh... *grinz*

praise God! i slept 5 hours that night!!!

day 5:

we woke up early and continued our journey to colorado. along the way, there were so many toll gates! and hill after hill... in fact, our poor bus stalled quite a few times. cos it's quite an old bugger... but trusty and familiar to the keynoters (kinda like our FR van =b)

had lunch at wendy's. i was feeling quite full from all that sitting so i just had a salad. heh. then on with the journey... but by now it was getting kinda tiring and dizzying cos of the altitude and the jerkiness of the bus as it went up the hills. so i felt pretty icky... but it was a welcome distraction to talk to kirsten, another staff, about my decision to accept Christ, and how i had come to know about FR. =)

haven't had the chance to share my pre-new-staff jitters with anyone here yet though... sigh... it's really scary sometimes. esp those nights when i can't sleep... somehow i will just lie in bed and think of what's ahead and will feel really scared about the future and have to just ask God to please help me to trust Him and to be filled with His peace.

hmmm...

well arrived here safely at about 4pm, and i'm rooming with the singapore crusade campus staff at a sorority house. it's a really pretty house, and the toilets are very well equipped =) hee... only frustration is the rooms are really hot. and there's no air con here... so... shall take come getting used to!

i'll be helping out in the logistics team for keynote over the conference period. it's a new role for me, so i'm excited to be learning more from pam gaither, the staff in charge. i'll also be spending time with the andersons =) heh... they've so kindly offered to chauffeur me and joy ard to sightsee and shop =) cool!

k i'm gg off to zzz soon... love and miss u all...

sitting at benton's desk

i'm in the keynote office!!! =)

jen barger, a really really pretty young staff picked me up from the anderson's this morning. (she is REALLY gorgeous!) a really friendly and bubbly gal =)

the andersons had left at abt 630am. i saw them off, since i was up since 3am cos i couldn't sleep. (my motion sickness pill only knocked me out for 4 hours =( sigh...) it was quite sad to see them go. even though i know i'm gonna see them all in a couple of days... it'll just be different i guess.

the kids were sweet. hugs all round =) and topher let me ruffle his hair a bit. aw... waved the car as it left and then... just began sniffling... =.(... i guess it's just sad to say goodbyes. i hate goodbyes... sigh... but got over the sniffles soon and called me parents, before 'skype-ing' mel to chat.

it was kind of comforting to hear his voice, even though i don't generally like telephone conversations.

told him how yesterday evening i had gone through the anderson's photo albums. oh man... so inspiring! they are like scrapbook formats and so so cute! there's one for each kid, tracing his growth and experiences from birth till age 5! and their wedding album was so sweet too... young mike and lisa looked (and still look) so much in love... =)

anyway... so what really affected me as i looked thru the albums was seeing how God had really blessed this family, and brought mike and lisa together in the first place. i mean, seriously, i've been like a tap these past couple of weeks. ever since i made the decision to take this route (full-time), i've been bombarded with all sorts of frustrations, fears and stress.

a bit difficult to explain. but one key fear was that i really don't know what my future holds. it was like, until i had written and signed the application form, that the truth and weight of my decision finally began to sink in properly. i realised just how scary a step this is, and i struggled so much (and am still struggling) to trust God.

to trust that He really has a plan for my life that He will bring to pass.

to trust that He really wants the best for me - and that His 'best' IS best.

to trust that He will provide financially.

to trust that He will look after my family while i am staying in at GC these next 9 months.

to trust that He cares for my happiness, and that He is more than enough for me. even if mel and i dun work out.

to trust that He really wants me here. that i'm not just imagining things...

yup, so anyway... seeing how God has worked in the anderson's lives, through their photos and captions... really blessed me tremendously.

i tried to tell mike so this morning... but it was kinda hard cos i got all choked up cos they were also leaving... so dunno if he actually understood what i was saying =b sigh... i'm better at writing than talking i guess. hmmm...

ok, so back to this morning..

after the anderson's vroom-vroomed off, i packed my solitary suitcase and shoulder bag with much squashing of things... hee. managed to fit everything in (yay!) except bundles and the bottle of sth that pat wants me to bring back. but no fear, i have a bigger hand-carry in my suitcase to be used when flying back to singapore...

then i checked all the switches and lights and stuff... locked the doors... oh, and i had to go down to the basement to turn off the water supply. (mike showed me how last night) it was quite scary treading down the staircase... you know all those horrible shows where the bad guy waits for u at the top of the staircase when you want to come back up and shoves you down and locks the door in your face? yeah, well, i have a vivid imagination *grimace*

but thank God for a safe trip down and up =)

jen came about 945am. so before she came, i spent the half hour or so tinkling on the piano and singing worship songs to God. it was a good time.

now i'm sitting at benton's desk in the office. the office building is really cool. it's like a huge house and very homey and cosy, armchairs abound! and every desk has it's owner's personality! =) really cool and inspiring...

met a couple of people... dana, rob, ed pithy, joy ting, chris and jj - to name a few =) hee... i hope i dun forget all their names by tomorrow.

ok think this is qutie a long blog now... ciao...

june 2005 newsletter up!

see the column on the left. =) happy reading!

day 2: the jet lags sets in...

yeah i couldn't sleep last night. sigh... i don't really know why. i felt tired and i looked tired and my eyelids were tired... but somehow my brain refused to shut down... haiz... so it was a very restless, toss-and-turn night... =(

but the andersons were really sweet when i told them the next morning. so we had a pretty relaxing morning. lisa and nicole and kevin and i went to the chiropractor.

it was my first time in a chiropractor's. wow, it was pretty cool to see how it's done, and chased away all my notions of it being only for old people. hee... even little nicole has regular chiropractor sessions! so cute...

a bit scary to see the neck being shifted around though...

then we went to the children's library for the kids to borrow books and videos (do u know there's NO LIMIT here?!) while i browsed through the teen mags. heh

back for lunch. mummy wraps! (lisa's speciality) these are tacos spread with peanut butter, and with a row of chocolate chips down the middle, then all rolled up =) kind of like an angmo popiah =b

after lunch, i was concussing, so i slept for an hour.

then mike woke me up (so that i wouldn't be awake again at night) and we went off to a few malls! =) initially there were plans to go to town to take photos.. but it was raining, so rather than waste the day indoors, we went shopping. =) i didn't buy much today though... cos mike is a fast shopper! hee hee... but i thank God for that =) heh heh... good to not shop too much too soon =b

but i DID get a fabulous pair of stone washed maroon-brown jeans. =) from goodwill store - it's like a thirft/second-hand store for charity. only $3.71 US!!! =D

lalala

k now i am sleepy again... but it's only 6pm. sigh...

indy =)

i'm in indiana!!! =)

touched down yesterday evening. a very traumatic last flight. i had to transit two times: singapore-narita -- narita-chicago -- chicago-indianopolis. so anyway... the customs at chicago was FOREVER... cos the queue to check out was ages and ages... and then i happily walked out of the terminal with my luggage... then realised i have to check it in first before i go to the other terminal (i thought i could check it in at the other terminal see...) so i had to go back in and talk to the guard who let me back in. so then i was REALLY REALLY late oredi. (my flight was 350. by the time i had got my luggage in it was 335)

but i had to take a train to terminal 1 from terminal 5. oh man... the train took 5 min to arrive, which i suppose is good timing normally, but not for me! arghhh!!! so then after i got out of the train, the gate was like the FARTHEST from the trainstop! sigh... i mean, how would i have known that?!?! urghhh....

so i was running along the corridor *pant pant pant*

it was so surreal... like a scene from home alone! only i was so stressed i didn't laugh. and then i reached my gate FINALLY 5 minutes after take-off time! and there was no one there... and i freaked! then saw this guy with a badge so just grabbed him and showed him my ticket and was like" has my plane left? already? i was held up at customs! oh man... can you help me check?!?!"

well it sounded a lot more desperate than that =b but i'm glad he didn't flinch. =b heh... anyway he turned out to be a flight attendant (no engie, if you're reading this: he's not cute =b) and he very kindly helped me check out with the counter people about where my plane was. and u know what? it was JUST closing for final boarding! so they opened the door again and let me into the corridor that leads to the plane.

and i RAN...

finally got into the plane. collaped into my seat, and cried for the next 10 minutes.

and thanked God like a million times for getting me on that plane! i treasure my time here THAT much more now =b

ok so that was Day 1.

(oh yeah, had yummy dinner at bucas, an italian restaurant with a really really cool ambience. like pop art and sixties portraits and ads all over the walls. very artsy =) but i was a bit too sleepy and full to eat much.)


* * *

woke up feeling all comfy and snug. =) but a bit disoriented at first. had a nice relaxing morning with the anderson kiddies down in their den. learnt (vaguely) how pokemon's and mario fight (nintendo). then nice lunch at cici's pizza - a pizza buffet place. =D yum yum. and colin, one of our friends who came to singapore in january, joined us for lunch! =)

then the gurls - lisa, nicole and me - headed off to target!!! TARGET!!! heh heh...it's kinda like carrefour, except it's WAAY bigger and WAAY prettier! as in the stuff is prettier. hee

went shelf by shelf, row by row... in fact, i took so long that lisa had time to take nicole home and feed her early dinner and then come back for me! hee... i think i was in there about 5 hours. and it's only one floor - one huge floor.

so anyways... very happy with my purchases. i actually didn't buy a lot of stuff that i wanted. cos some of it isn't that cheap... and also i need to pace myself a bit yeah =b but my favourite thing that i bought is a pair of strappy heels. the straps are all different shades of blue! it's so pretty =) muahaha *satisfied smirk*

then had a nice quiet dinner at home wif mike and lisa, while the kids went for vacation bible school. and then watched the princess diaries, which i've always wanted to watch but couldn't for some reason or other. hee hee... it was really sweet. =)

ok that's all for now. tomorrow, there are tentative plans to visit keynote (US CCC music ministry) office and maybe sightsee a bit. then at night i'm staying with jen, one of the keynoter's, cos mike and lisa are gonna leave with the kids early on wed morning for CSU. i'm not going with them. i'll be going on the bus with the other keynoters. heh =b

so please pray that i'll make friends easy. i know it'll probably be fun, but just a little bit scared about what they'll be like and all... =) hee...

k goin' off now! byebye!!!

bye bye singapore...

i'm flying off in about 8 hours.

hee


the next time i blog... will be in the U. S. of A.!!! =)

dear God, please keep me safe and remind me to trust in You at all times. please look after my family and mel; protect them and bless them during this time. walk with us every new day...

amen.

things done... things to do...

things i have done today:

1. breakfast with mel

2. photocard at bugis - so my wallet now has a pretty picture of mel and me =)

3. went with K to the bridal wardrobe to see her choice of gown. (it's gorgeous!!! all the gowns are gorgeous!!!)

4. long bus ride to city hall

5. collected photos for min

6. bought biscuits and ziploc bag from a dinky little shop outside capitol

7. waited 40 min for darn cab cos the roads were all blocked for ndp practice. sigh...

8. cabbed home

9. finished packing my main luggage (for check-in)

10. called 1626 and singtel personnel are so UN-helpful that i have to go down to parkway tonight to ascertain if my phone is tri-band.


things to do:

1. finish another 40 newsletters, address them and mail out

2. pack my hand carry

3. email double 6 (printer for ministry newsletter Quarternote)

4. go to parkway to settle phone stuff and have dinner with family

5. email supporters farewell...

6. charge this laptop which i am bringing

7. cut nails so i dun have to bring the nail clipper and risk the scanners going bonkers on me!

8. kiss mummy and daddy and tell them i love them (aw...)

9. think of what else i haven't done.... =b

10. pray and trust God to look after my family and mel and me and everyone else... =)

i really want a good night's rest God

it's been hard to get a good night's sleep

just keep tossing

and turning

and thinking

thoughts just running through my mind...

sometimes wish i could just hit the blanket and be gone to la la land...


sigh


dear God, please grant me a good and peaceful sleep tonight. =) amen.

happyily tired

yes, i've been having trouble sleeping for most of this week. dunno why...

and tonight i actually had to climb up THIRTEEN flights of stairs cos the darn lifts BOTH not working. sheesh... i hope they fix it by tomorrow... it was soooo tiring man... =b

but really had a good rest last nite. =) thanks in part at least to mel. heh... we went to watch my friend's performance at esplanade. (check out www.joannadong.com) she is way cool! i am really proud of her and what she has set out to do...

anyways... had a nice long walk by the esplanade river after that. it was nice to chat and giggle about our past in secondary school and spill the dirt on our not-so-dark secrets. hee =b and had vbery yummy dinner of mango salad, shrimp wraps and hokkien mee! =D yum yum

yups. today was my last day at work for the month. =) heh. cos tomorrow i am technically 'off' to pack for CSU (i'm leaving for the US on Sunday morning) but i'll actually be quite busy running around, meeting supporters, collecting and mailing out newsletters, emailing lots of people and my supporters, and having TURT debrief with Pat. *phew*

off to bed i go...

wedding gown shopping!

haha... no lah, not MY wedding gown... =b

not yet =b

i went shopping with my friend, K from uni days. she's getting married next may, and we've always been good friends and shopping afficionados... heh... so i went with her to two places today to try their gowns and see their photography. =)

wow, it was so surreal to walk into a bridal shop and run my fingers through the rows of tulle, organza, satin, silk, beaded, embroidered, feathered, be-jeweled gowns!!! =) hee hee... although the service was a tad off-putting and lacking.

and the photos at benny ang's are really gorgeous - at least the studio and outdoor shots.=) really impressed by his play with lights, and the dreamy effect he can create. heh...

after that, had a nice dinner with her and her fiance and mel at smith street. yum yum. olua and satay and carrot cake and prawn noodle and dumplings and sambal sting ray... mmmm =D

on the way back, had time to just let mel in on all the exciting things i've seen and heard today. not just during my time with K, but also in the national staff meeting this morning. don richardson, an evangelist, came down to share his experiences with us. it was the most amazing and touching stories i have heard, and left me astounded at how sovereign our God is! =) i know i won't be able to do his story justice here... but do pick up his book "Peace Child" - or you can ask me to get for ya =b

anyways... i also shared with mel about how exciting it is to be involved in K's wedding. and haha... how i visualise parts of my wedding to be in future. hee... think he was quite amused and interested =) yeah... but we've still got a ways to go eh?

but it was good to talk. =)

yep.

tomorrow and thursday will be mad rush days to settle all the work stuff and emails that have to be finished before i leave for CSU on sunday. hee... God, please be with me thru it!

ok Lord, Your way

it's been a long, thoughtful weekend.

tears

frustrations

anger?@#$@%#!

disappointment

loss

encouragement

hope

empathy

surrender

peace.


the message in church on sunday was tailor-made for me. =) submission to leaders. it really is a heavy responsibility to be a leader of God's people. i guess it's scary too... and knowing that all the weight of each decision really weighs on them so heavily... i guess i have the 'easy option' - to simply obey Him and choose to submit.

i don't and won't always agree with every decision made, but well, God has placed these leaders there for a reason, and who am i to question His wisdom?

i was also reminded that it's no use just submitting and resenting it. cos God loves the cheerful giver. to obey is better than sacrifice; my heart is more important than my acts. so i am taking all that has happened in as good a light as i can, and i DO believe that God will use it for good, and to grow me.

something someone said a long time ago came to mind: if we are sure that where we are is God's 'best' for us, quit complaining!

=) yes Lord, i hear You. ok ok...

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you.

maybe not...

just when i thought i was finally ready... i guess i'm not.

found out some really distressing stuff about my impending future. really makes me want to rethink everything. like what kind of future am i getting myself into? haha... ok that sounds cryptic, but i shall not elaborate. suffice to say i am mega frustrated and pissed and just feel like giving up. urgh...

ok that might be a slight exagerration. but anyway...

please God, help me to surrender my plans to You and trust that You really know best. that You are in control of this horrible situation. that You will work things out Your way. that i can really place my hope in You.

but i really dun feel like hoping.

but i know i should.

but i dunno lah... tell me what to do!!!

i just want to go to sleep and wake up and it will all have been a bad dream...

yeah right... that won't happen.

bleah

it's beginning to sink in...

finally... i know where i am going.

after weeks of thought and prayer...
after going through the church interview...
after TURT...


this morning i finally had time to think. in bed. heh... just lay there thinking about what the future holds.

it's a scary thought.

i know it won't be easy. even now, as i prepare to leave for the US, i realise how hard this 'jet-setting' can be on relationships - not just with mel, but with my family, friends, supporters... on the one hand, i love the experiences and opportunities that such trips bring. on the other hand, i will miss them all dreadfully... =(

sigh...

also, the prospect of support raising as a way of life once i come on staff... that is also pretty daunting. although God has been repeatedly encouraging me in this area, by providing for my needs in such a timely manner. =) i know in my head that He will always provide me with what i need to do His work. and yet... the world's mindset of 'having reserves for the future' and 'saving for a rainy day' have also been ingrained in me. i hope that i will be able to save...

it's time to be in charge of my own money. haiz... but how?!?!

hee hee...


reminded of the words of a song:


i don't know about tomorrow

i just live from day to day

i don't worry bout the sunshine

for its clouds may turn to grey

i don't worry o'er the future

for i know what Jesus said

and today i'll walk beside Him

for He knows what is ahead


many things about tomorrow

i don't seem to understand

but i know who holds tomorrow

and i know who holds my hand!