trust His heart =)

i'm feeling kind of melancholic today.

just watched breakfast at tiffany's. audrey hepburn is gorgeous and so captivating and has such beautiful clothes and hats. hah... i really like the old-fashioned way of dressing man. the pill-box hats and little black dresses and matching coats and jewellery and the mannerisms of 'oh darrrling... you shouldn't have..." and stuff like that =) and the way all men are so clearly pigeon-holed into 'gentleman' or 'jerk'. nows a days, it's not that simple eh.

hmmm...

think maybe part of the melancholy is 'left'over' from yesterday. i didn't realise the frustrations over the worship session had affected me that much, but my first thought today was one of discouragement. well, not quite that... but something close to that that i dunno what to call.

also cos i was supposed to sing back-up today, first time in church. so was kind of nervous that history would repeat itself. haha... i felt like God was just not talking to me this morning. like i just felt... distant. like i didn't 'feel' him. i know He was and is still there with me, but it just felt like it was all head-knowledge for me today.

i've had these kind of days every now and then.l i guess most Christians do too.... i mean, sometimes it just feels like you can't sense if He's really there or not. and then suddenly have a lot of doubts and all the struggles you are going through seem that much harder to bear.

so yeah... all the way walking to church, i just kept reminding myself of all His promises and all the things He has done for me that have really been proof to me that He does exist and that He is in control and that He cares. and i really had to resolve all the feelings i had left over from yesterday and ask God to help me to just rest in my identity in Him.

so by the time i reached church, i was feeling more internally 'resolved', but still quite emotionally detached. during the message, the speaker mentioned that 'we do not base our faith on feeling' - something that i myself have heard time after time, and even taught in metamorphosis last year! at that point when he mentioned it, i was like "oh God, You know EXACTLY what i'm feeling and You prepared him to say that short phrase to remind me that You really really know what i need and who i am."

it really comforted me to know that He had allowed me to be reminded of that fact. like He knew i needed to hear that statement this morning.

so anyways... i know that although i may not feel Him near, He is near, and i rejoice that He will use everything that is happening (or not happening, in this case) to make me more like Him and draw me closer to Him.


God is too good to be mistaken

God is too good to be unkind

so when you don't understand

when you don't see His plan

when you can't trace His hand

trust His heart!

life is like a morning glory...

... it blooms like a prism in a morning room... but when the sun's burning rays come out, it wilts and dies.

well, something like that. =)

just came back from a hall production by my cg mate, linus, at UCC. i really enjoyed the feeling of going to a concert again! haven't been to one since Forbidden City last year. yeah... i love the feeling of clutching a movie ticket, dressing up a little (well, today the only 'dress-up' i did was my new jacket that is dark blue denim with a flower design. heh heh heh), meeting for dinner before with friends, entering the red-carpeted and plush-seated concert hall, and then sinking into a chair to enjoy the night of dance, music or drama. and having a glossy program to peruse through during intermission. oh man...

hee hee...

well tonight's performance was really not bad. i didn't quite like the acting, but one of the leads was really good, so he kind of made up for the rest =b was really impressed by the directing and the lights though. and the music really blended in with the scenes. quite cool that a lot of the songs were written by the students. =)

only part i REALLY didn't like was the intermission, where the band suddenly burst into chinese new year songs. huh??!?!?

hee hee hee

but all in all, i'm glad i went. got to enjoy the company of my cell mates, relax in the comfort of the air-con hall, and support a friend. =)

before that, in the afternoon, i joined 7Days, one of our bands, in leading a worship session at one of the member's churches. it was cool to be with them again (cos they are really fun to tallk to and be with!) and to experience a forerunner practice again after so long.

sigh... but unfortunately, really couldn't hear ourselves on the monitors. guess maybe too many instruments and mikes onstage, so it was hard to hear your own part. so i think i was quite 'off' at parts. and that kind of distracted me at points as i was thinking: oh no, i have to make sure it sounds ok!!!

at first i felt quite upset with myself. like why i felt like i was off, but couldn't really do anything about it. like maybe i was spoiling the ambience for the whole worship. and then i really had to remind myself after everything was over, that it doesn't matter.

not that it doesn't matter in a 'i-don't-care' way... but it really isn't a big deal. maybe God wanted me to learn humility. or maybe He wanted me to just remember that its His agenda, not mine. or maybe it was just a reminder that my identity and significance in Christ comes only from Him. and that is unchanging and unconditional. =)

anyway, i thank God that He was glorified through the time of worship. no matter what the music sounded like, i know that He has used the time to speak to the hearts of the youth who came, and to each one of us. and that is more than enough!


the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end

they are new every morning, new every morning

great is Thy faithfulness, Oh Lord

great is Thy faithfulness!

the end of another week

it's the weekend!

well, actually, this week wasn't very tiring or busy, so it's not such a big deal that the weekend's here. but anyway... YAY!!!

i thought of my birkenstocks this morning...

i have a shelf!!!

today, mr tan (the office kind of caretaker cum handy man) came and fixed up my shelf! so now i have two little cubby holes above my desk =D aw... sweet...

what's inside:

1x muesli (for when i feel like having a healthy breakfast)

1x empty water bottle from japan

1x silver tin (to be filled with sweets when i remember to buy!)

1x butterfly with furry base photo holder, hot pink!

1x green beaded candle holder + vanilla candle

3x books: "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud, "Come help change the world" by Bill Bright and "A life God rewards" by Bruce Wilkinson

2x notebooks: advancing book, master planner book

no turning back, no turning back...

as i look back on this road i've travelled

i see so many times You've carried me through

and if there's one thing that i know in my life:

my Redeemer is faithful and true!


* * *

the past few months, especially the past few weeks, have been a great milestone in my life. i've come to terms with so many things within myself and with other people - issues that i didn't know existed before, or that i ignored. just thought i'd take some time to reflect and note down some of the main things now, so that time won't blur these precious memories and decisions. it's gonna be a really long post though... so you don't HAVE to read

some things that caused self understanding and growth:

1. The Ultimate Road Trip 2004

- opened up a whole new realm of opportunities for me, and made me acutely aware of the passion God has placed in me for sharing His love

- brought a whole new circle of friends into my life - friends i can't believe i've only known for a mere 8 months, who have gone through this major decision with me, and been such a big part of my life!

the journey was just beginning...

2. metamorphosis 2004

- i had no expectations of the camp except fear about having to teach my first class. but i thank God for the experience, and for using me to influence their lives

- more than that, i was greatly encouraged and inspired by Dave Park, who spoke during the night sessions. i was reminded and affirmed of my worth, and my need to forgive others and love the Lord with a pure heart.

3. sss worship (the day after meta ended)

- i was amazed and excited by the fire that had swept through the lives of those who attended meta. i saw the passion for God that had been fanned into flame in their hearts. standing at the back of the chapel and watching them lead a worship session for which they had had prayed and practiced for hours for the day before, i was really moved to tears.

- at that point, i began to question if i was serving in the right ministry in church (worship), especially now as i had no choir, and thus no link to this age group. i really identify with their struggles and i love spending time with them and being a mentor to them.

4. concert at woodlands evangelical free church

- i was swept away by the passion and unity i saw among the youth when i was part of a concert there. many of them touched my life in a very special way, and renewed my excitement for the youth ministry in Singapore!

- i also made a few new friends, and i'm enjoying getting to know them more! ;b

5. forerunner retreat

- i learned so much here it's hard to summarise. suffice to say i discovered that a lot of work frustrations i had were partly my fault (and partly not), and that i needed to actively make my opinions heard, but speaking it in love.

- really really enjoyed meeting colin, who came down to help us during this time. although i didn't really get to 'know' him as a friend, i felt so loved, accepted and understood by him (totally platonic!) and i found that it was easier for me to then love and accept everyone else in that same manner.

6. boundaries

- i began reading the book boundaries. oh man... it shattered so many misconceptions that i had and so many barriers that i'd set up for myself. i really really recommend this book!

- it helped me to 'own' my decision about what i do with my life

- it helped me to see where i am lacking. for those of you who might have read it, i fall into the category of compliant and manipulative controller. heh heh... ok it's not AS BAD as it sounds...

7. talked out my issues at work with my very understanding colleagues

- enough said.

8. talk with lisa (wife of mike, a colleague)

- without giving me any answers, she kind of helped in making me think through a lot of questions and process my own answers.

- realised that i am valuable to FR. i really had been feeling like i couldn't contribute in a lot of areas due to my personality or skills, but she somehow reminded me that it takes all sorts. =)

- also realised i had no concrete reason for not going full-time. it was like i was just waiting for God to do something BIG so i would be sure. but as i've not seen, He was leading me all along, just in small little steps...

9. study of romans 8 in cell group

- after all that head bashing and information overload, it was God who convicted me that He IS sovereign and yet i DO have free will, and i don't need to know how that goes together...

- and i think He really really wanted me to realise that He is really really sovereign for a purpose. He wanted me to take a good hard look at my life. which i did. =)

years ago...
- The Real Gift concert at my church - my very first encounter with forerunner. a close friend of mine accepted Christ at that concert (i only found out recently!)

2000 - joined ntu ccc. just BECAUSE they were the first Christian group that approached me at the eca fair. and they were friendly

2001
- went to japan for mission trip. fell in love with the culture and people

- during the end-of-year camp, commited my life to serving God full-time, possibly in japan.

2002 - wanted to go japan again, but my parents said no. decided to lose this 'war'

- wondered if i had made a too-emotional decision about full-time the year previously...

2003
- wanted to go japan again - SARS struck

- FR performed in ntu and i was the student ic. was 'star-struck' when i first met them but tried to act 'cool'. was really moved by the Forgiven video they showed in the concert.

- various staff began challenging me to consider full-time. in the face of their very well-meant pressure, i backed off and avoided thinking about it. planned to go into the wedding business or events.

2004
- signed up for The Ultimate Road Trip, thinking it was going to Tokyo - but guess what? - it didn't. heh... experience music and mission

- FR came to my church for v-day concert. while they were eating lunch just outside the sanctuary, i talked to simon for a while, and i felt like he was really genuine. oh and the gals looked WAAAAY cool =D (ok just fyi these are NOT the main reasons i'm joining hor...)

- went for TURT

- watched the forgiven video 8 times on trip, each time brought moved me to tears. saw the incredible impact of our message of God's love on our audiences.

- signed up for STINT

- saw the power of music and the great need once again in East Asia and local schools

- realised that i needed to step out of worship ministry in church as i felt more and more that i was not suited to that ministry. even though it's music, and i love music, it wasn't right for me. i needed to be out of the situation to know for sure.


10. meeting with uni friends

- i enjoyed catching up with them. but more than that, i realised that the path i've taken is vastly different, yet so similar. we all share the frustrations of office politics, deadlines, budgets and unmet (and often unrealistic) dreams. yet i will never be able to fully explain the pain of letting go a wonderful but too-expensive pair of shoes, and the joys of knowing someone has crossed over from death and life to 'live the life they never had before'!

- concluding thought: i cannot work in a job where the ultimate aim is profits. sure there are politics everywhere, and other work difficulties, but i wouldn't be able to handle that in the long run. i would become disillusioned, jaded, unhappy with life and ... basically... feel like i was working towards... well, nothing!

- please don't get me wrong. i believe that profts are a very necessary part of society, and i admire people who can work in that area and yet remain true to God and themselves, and still find meaning in their life. i'm just saying that i can't.


* * *

yeah... so after all THAT... i've decided to go on staff with forerunner full time. i will probably be waiting until my STINT year is up in July, so that these few months i can spend time reinforcing and affirming this decision. would greatly appreciate your prayers! i really really thank all my supporters and friends who have been praying for me. really love you guys! and gals!


last of all... here are some verses that i've read over the past few weeks, that reminded me to look back on my life and get the answers i was seeking from there:

"For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back?"
Isaiah 14:27

"Have you not heard? Long ago I ordained it. In days of old I planned it; now I have brought it to pass..."
Isaiah 37:26

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you."
Isaiah 43:5

"Yet what is due me is in the Lord's hand, and my reward is with my God."
Isaiah 49:4

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labour on what does not satisfy?"
Isaiah 55:2

"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."
Jeremiah 6:16

now we see in part, then we shall see in full...

had another very fruitful discussion with my cell group yesterday. yeah... i came away with a headache from having to juggle so many thoughts at once. but nonetheless, it was a really good time of sharing and i feel like God is really causing me to question everything i believe, and to bring about further conviction about the things i believe in. it's like causing me to be convicted of less things, but more convicted about those things that i'm convicted about... ya know what i mean? =b heh heh

anyway all this search for certainty has led me to see just how fragile our faith is. and how tenuous our rope that we cling on to. i've accepted so SO many things from young - unquestioningly - and only now am i really beginning to examine many of these 'truths' for myself. much of this searching is due to the IBS course that i just went through, that really made me want to test and approve my interpretation of God's Word - not just take everything at face value.

before cell yesterday, i did a short personal study of Romans 8:28-30. and it was really cool to use the online concordance for the first time! but even as i now have the skills to use all these tools, ironically, it only shows me how little we do know. every word has so many shades of meaning or possible meanings and interpretations, and yet so often i have not realised that in my daily reading. (these different meanings are due to the fact that the original Scriptures were written in greek and hebrew and translated to english much later. it's like... du2 shu1 can mean both reading book or studying book when translated in English. it's only by context that we kind of know what meaning is being used in each case. but what if every single word in that context is also subject to that same multiple shade of meaning? heh heh)

so anyway... it really is only by faith that we can believe and be convicted by the things that we read. and at the same time, we have the responsibility to handle the Word of God correctly.

ANYWAY... i learnt a lot from that personal study time.

one of the most important things i learnt is that the word "good' in verse 28 refers to good "nature" of an object/event. there is another meaning of "good", which refers to the good of a "product" - eg. grades, success, results - but that is not the definition invoked here. so we shouldn't use this verse to claim God's blessing of us in the tangible means that our society views as good, such as wealth, health and happiness.

i mean, i guess many people already know that, but it helps to know that this meaning can be traced back to the original meaning intended by the author =)

my ramblings

yeah, finished the "application" bit of IBS today. heh... we learnt how to do word studies, using a concordance, which was really interesting, but soooo tiring... man, i respect those people who do this for a living!

but it IS very very interesting.

* * *


spent the past hour doing a word study (extremely sketchy and basic) on the various terms in Romans 8:28-30. boy, this is exhausting man... and i only did the bare minimum! but it's really exciting to see how one word can mean many things or how many words can be an expression of shades of one root thing.

ok i am going off for my first interview now! as in i am interviewing one of the students signing up for TURT. wow...just one year ago, i was on the other side of the fence. muahaha... it's really cool to see how i've crossed over from there to here. i will try to be nice... =)

* * *

645pm

just had a good workout at the gym. haha,,, been MONTHS since i've exercised man... thank God i never fall over and die or something =b but i feel healthier now! (even though i'm probably the same...) going for cell group now, and looking forward to it! =)

chosen to choose?

just came across these sites, and had a very thoughtful morning reading them. hmmm... really makes me want to be carve a stand for myself - what i truly believe in. as of now, personally, i find that within Calvinism itself there are different strands of belief.

i believe that regeneration and faith ARE simultaneous. yet only God can bring about both. and he is in control of our lives... hmmm... so does that mean he is in control of that choice too? well, it would seem so. but... haven't finished thinking through COMPLETELY yet, heh heh...

anyway here are the sites. happy reading!

http://www.erality.com/melinda/beliefs.html

http://www.middletownbiblechurch.org/reformed/ddregen.htm

http://www.middletownbiblechurch.org/reformed/regenera.htm

8pm

yeah... i feel ACCOMPLISHED =D haha

note to all people thinking of signing up for driving test anytime soon. DON'T BOTHER to call up comfort driving centre or ubi test centre to ask for how to get there or to check if it's possible to sign up over the phone. oh man... i called like about 8 times over 1 hour, and every time the ubi number was engaged, and on the 2 times i got through to CDC, i had to go through this super long barrage of "if you want ... please press #..." all the way from 1 - 9 to "if you want to speak to an operator, please press 0", whereupon the darn machine goes back to "if you want... please press 1..."

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah, so i had to go back to plan A which was to take a bus there. took 55 there, and it's not as far or as long as i thought =) finally made it there... and queued for over an hour to get to my turn. sigh... don't understand why there were so many people on a monday afternoon!??!

so anyway, yes, i have registered for my Final Theory Test. the very nice girl that spoke to me also explained to me how to register for the practical bit, and how the costs tally up. wow, learning how to drive sure is expensive. =b

anyway the date for my Final Theory Test is 17 march 2005, 10.15 am. haha... pelase pray, i need it... now i have to go dig up those books that jamie or joel or elaine passed me eons ago...

then decided i deserve a treat for finally being true to my word and for spending my free day engaged in this not particularly interesting task. so i took myself off to ajisen ramen and had their lunch time promotion, which is really quite worth it. and then came home.

so i guess i didn't finish all that i set out to do today. but i'm quite happy that i finished half of the list at least! hee hee...

1. registered for theory test

2. did second bible study on "Sarah"

3. watching thomas crown now... *giggle*

er... lost

hmmm.... dunno why i woke up with a very disoriented feeling, i think cos very long haven't had such a dream-ful sleep. haha... dreamt of so so many things!!! it's weird man... although i cna't remember the specifics, i remember the main events.

i dreamt i was going to ubi driving centre. is that weird or what??!?!

i dreamt that i was sun-tanning at my pool.

i dreamt that i was attached, ha ha.... as in i felt like i was attached but obviously i wasn't. but i didn't know who.

ok i am officially weird. must be a result of the combi of a very full dinner last night with my family (treated them to thai express) and the frustration of not being able to get online on msn after that. so i'm like kind of well-rested physically, but not mentally, hahz...

* * *

agenda for today:

1. actually get to ubi driving centre and sign up for the darn test

2. write cards for people in my life i should write to but just 'haven't had the time to'.

3. another session from my bible study

4. bring my pants that are 4 inches too long to the tailor

5. watch the thomas crown affair and desperate housewives

6. listen to all the new songs i've recently got from various people

reaching for You

I can't believe the way

Your love has got a hold on me

Each morning I wake to find You near

You lift me above my fears

And set my feet on solid ground

All of my days belong to You


And I breathe in Your breath of life that fills my heart

You are my all consuming fire



I stand here before You

In wide opened wonder

Amazed at the glory of You

The power of heaven

Revealing Your purpose in me

As I'm reaching for You

happy day

had a really good day =)

enjoyed watching another dvd this morning =) 28 Days starring sandra bullock - my favourtite actress (followed by meg ryan). hee hee... i realised i'm watching quite a lot of dvds these days... hmmm =b

had a great afternoon too. met melvyn for lunch and had a great time looking at his photos of all the places in America he's been to and hearing about his time there. wow... everything in the US is so beautiful and the skies are so blue and the grass is so green... oh! and the squirrels and moose are really cute too! *envious*

it was exciting to see pictures of colorado, cos i'm probably headed there in july. looking forward to sightseeing (contrary to popular belief that i only like to shop) and taking lots and lots of pictures!!! =D and i definitely wanna go to this place called Garden of the Gods. the shots look incredible, and so awe-inspiring.

then mel very kindly drove me down to register for driving test, really sweet of him to do that, even though i had no clue how to get there. (see, i AM keeping my resolution.) haha... that was fun, cos he doesn't really know the east and... er... has anyone ever seen me accurately read a map?! =b but thank God got there somehow. haiz... but it was closed. *grumble grumble* oh well... at least now i know the opening and closing times i can go down another day.

and i know how to drive there now. erm... well at least i know which roads to take and where to turn blah blah blah =b eh heh heh... so... maybe i'll go down this week... maybe... er...i need the willpower to drag myself lah.

came home and had a nice quiet evening with God doing my new study book on women in the bible. i really enjoyed and learned a lot from it. =) and then watched ANOTHER dvd - one fine day - and it's so cliche and yet so sweet... *aw* ok i'm a sucker for romances lah. =(

hmmm... so i dunno what to do now. i'm bored. haha... shall go chat online... muahaha

i really haven't had a totally free saturday like this for as long as i can remember. it feels good man... =)

nobody knows

watched the above-titled movie today. two thumbs up!!! =)

for those of ya who don't know what it's about, basically it's a story of four kids who are abandoned by their irresponsible mother and have to fend for themselves. the oldest kid is 12, the youngest about 4. i won't tell on the storyline, but it's a mix of bittersweet and sad. i think 'poignant' is the word.

what amazed me was not so much the plot - it was kind of slow-moving at times - but the camera angles and the way the whole movie was shot. there was great use of stills at very strategic spots in the movie (i feel) and the ways in which the camera panned in and out and framed the scenes were really well-done.

the children were amazing actors too. as one of my movie-buddies mentioned, it was like they weren't even acting! they were so natural and so vulnerably real, every emotion etched out on their face. it was like they were just going about their normal lives and being taped on a hidden camera. really really want to find out the real names of the lead 'akira' and his youngest sister 'yuki'.

so, yeah, i was mesmerised by their acting, moved by their story. go watch it if you have the chance!

letting go

love is so fragile.

watching "white oleander" this morning, i was so moved by the story of a mother's manipulative love. it reminds me alot of what i'm reading in the book "boundaries", but more than that, it painted a hauntingly beautiful picture of what it means to love enough to let go. (and btw, alison lohman, the lead actress, is really really good. i was very impressed by her performance)

i guess all of us struggle with that. i know i do. to let go of things, people, hobbies that we love, because that, then, is true love. not merely possessing it and guarding our territories and rights.

parents have to let their children go, and vice versa. and new people come into our workplace, our ministries, our circle of friends, and we need to love enough to allow that and encourage it. something that i feel is really hard to do.

in a way, it kind of reminded me of what i felt yesterday about God giving us the freedom to choose. it's only because He loves us so much that we can choose to reject Him and the paths He has planned for us. to see it as Him marking out our paths such that we cannot choose - that would not be love.

it's weird but i coouldn't find any specific reference to support that statement that love means letting go. but i see it in Jesus' life, in how He so often refrained from telling his disciples what to do directly, but instead told them parables and led by example, and left it up to them to interpret and arrive at a response.

our obedience is then our way of showing our love. not the definition of love.
John 14:23

so i do believe that yes, we have that freedom to choose. how that falls in with the idea of His omniscience and His sovereignity, i have no idea, but i know that my God loves me enough to not hang me on a puppet string. that's enough for me - for now.

perspective

forgot that i wanted to post this too =) it's a little booklet that Campus Crusade for Christ just published, in response to the tsunami tragedy. some of you may have many questions, like i have and had, and this is a great place to have some of them answered.



you can download it from my newsletter archive. if you'd like to order the hard copy, just leave me a comment yeah? =)

no mere dot

i woke up still thinking about the discussion last night. it was like my mind hadn't switched off even though i had been physically sleeping! anyway, woke up all grouchy and brain-tired, and thinking about that same question. sigh...

so it really took a lot of effort to get off the bed and get ready for work and focus on God and the day ahead... and then, He reminded me.

3 years ago, at one of my camps, we had this tee shirt that had the slogan "no mere dot" it went something like: "my life is a dot, on the long line of eternity."

all we see here on this earth, and in this life, is really only that small dot. we are confined by that dot, in time and space, in imagination and wisdom. so why am i so concerned about what the future holds, when really all that matters is the here and now.

what i mean is that, i guess i really need His grace to accept that some things and answers are just beyond my reach. i want to live in the 'here and now', enjoying and appreciating each season and phase of my life, the people in my life now, the decisions i make today.

yes, everything leads to something else, and we should still have an eternal perspective. but not at the expense of the present moment, which is an irrevocable and irreplaceable gift of God to us.

so, while i probably will come across many such questions and paradoxes to ponder over the remaining years of my life, i hope that i can remember not to let such things weary or overwhelm me such that i forget to live today - this moment - well!

* * *

the day at work was good, and i feel happy that i got a lot accomplished once i was able to take my mind off this. =) and i had a wonderful lunch with my crazy bunch of TURTers (we went for a mission trip together last year) and realised how much time has flown by since we met! i was also moved by the fact that somehow all our paths have crossed, and how great a difference each and everyone has made in my life! *smile*

also had a great time meeting up with my uni gal friends at night =) oh man, how our lives have changed since we left school just 7 months ago. it's kind of sad knowing that we can never go back to that time (not that i want to go back studying though). they've been such a huge part of my life for the past 4 years, and yet i feel sad that i've kind of lost touch with them over the past half a year.

i guess it's really hard to have that same kind of close friendship we had in school days. everyone's just so much busier now, and all over the island (literally) and taking very different paths in life.

but i'm really happy for them - and for me - that we are slowly but surely adjusting to the world that is out there. each one has her own share of politics to grapple with, struggles at work, joys, bgr issues, family concerns etc etc... but it helps to have friends around to share it with =)

* * *

ok now i shall go focus on what's left of American Idol. =D haha, those people are hilarious man =b

maybe i should just trust God huh? =)

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised.

But My righteous one shall live by faith; and if he shrinks back, My soul has no pleasure in him.

But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

NASB - Hebrews 10:35, 36, 38 - 11:1

i am so confused.

well, today's cell group was the most interesting, relevant, important, openly-debated, frustrating and satisfying one of my life! =b

we are currently doing a book study of romans. i had to miss a lot of the front part (romans 1-7), so i don't know what those discussions were like. but today... oh man... it blew my mind off, cos i've thought so much about it and we've talked so much about it, and i feel like everyone's learnt a lot, but still... the question remains the same: how to reconcile the concept of God's sovereignity and man's free will?


i thought i understood - or at least had my own understanding of it. but apparently i don't. hmmm...

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom he predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified." Romans 8:29

so, according to the calvinistic thread of thought, then some of us are chosen and some are not. it is God who chooses, and only these are called, justified and glorified.

but then...

ok, after thinking alot and listening to my cell members share, i came my personal conviction that, since the fact that God 'elects' some is mentioned so frequently in the Bible, that validates that fact. man does have free will, but his nature is such that he will not choose God, unless God has chosen him first and predisposed him to respond.

yet man's making of that decision is known by God. God knows that he will respond in that way because He has made him that way. so... at any given time, God is sovereignly in control, but from man's perspective, we have the freedom to choose.

but then, why did God make people whom He knew He would not choose?

"(God)... desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge (recognition) of the truth." 1 Tim 2:4

so God, being a loving God, loves his creation and wants everyone to be saved.

so... huh? how can a loving God then choose then some of his creation be chosen for eternal glory, while others are 'doomed' to eternal suffering? i mean, this doesn't affect my stance towards evangelism (1. it's a command; 2. God uses people to fulfil His purposes; and 3. We are told to lay up treasures in heaven), but it really challenges the notion of an all-loving God.

maybe i have the wrong concept of 'love'?

or maybe God 'desires' all men to be saved, but the doesn't choose to save them all? but then it must be because of some reason, because He is God, so He can surely save them all if He wants to? So do we just take it as He has some reason for doing so, and that we as humans are simply unable to fathom the mind of God?

so yeah... i'm kind of tired right now, so maybe that's not quite ALL that was said on the topic. but i'm praying that God will help me to understand this issue more clearly. yet, i do recognise that some things are just too far above our intellect and world system to accurately perceive, so maybe this is one of them...

care to share?

i dream...

i dream i can run

like the wind and be strong

when my heart just wants to give in

i dream i can be

the hero that's in me

i dream

i dream



for some reason, today has been a day of dreams. =) i was greatly inspired by a sharing from one of our overseas staff. she shared what God has done and is doing on her campus. seeing how many students have come to know Him personally and have had their lives changed really stirred my heart.

it almost felt like experiencing japan all over the world. i went there 4 years ago on a mission trip, and it felt like i was seeing the same thing that moved me, only in a people of a different race. indeed, the world is hungry for God's love. their skin colour, interests, personalities, accents and fashion trends may change, but that need is always there - constant and waiting to be filled.

will you help to fill it?

will i?

hmmm...


* * *

i dream...

... of a new band, where we will play music from the 90s. songs like "that thing you do" and "remember me this way" and "Inseparable". actually the genre was sam's idea, and i absolutely love it! i miss performing man...

... of forming an acapella group. i'm actually in one now - NGAM!!! - but as much as i love them and care for them and want to continue singing with them, i see the potential and am excited about forming a group that would use acapella music as a new way to share God's love with a niche audience.

... of writing a song. recently, there's been talk of us composing a song about the recent tsunami and our response. and i've penned a few lines that came to mind when i was on the bus to work today. it's only half done, and very amateurish, but i feel kind of proud of it, if only because i feel like it's an accomplishment for me. =D

i see it as a song from the ones who have suffered the most loss - a heartfelt cry to God for answers, for His reasons, for a solution. and the second half, which i have yet to write, will be God's response. That "I was there"...

... of buying a pair of birkenstocks =b they're white with pretty pink roses painted on it. *aw* yeah... i love it, but it costs $119... sigh... anyone want to buy me one? heh heh

... of a life that combines my love of music and children, solitude and companionship, excitement and tranquility, change and familiarity - all into one. think i can have that someday? =)


here's my song:

were you there?

Were you there when the seas began to roar;
Were you there when the quake shook the earth’s floor;
Were you there when the waters began to rise;
Could you hear a little baby’s cry?

Were you there when the walls were turned to dust;
Were you there when our doors could not hold fast;
Were you there when the waves crashed through our hearts;
Did you see when our families were torn apart?

Were you there when a mother held her child in her arms,
Knowing in her heart he would never smile again?
Were you there when a husband searched in vain for his wife,
And mourned the little girl they’d yet to name?
Were you there when a child clung crying to a wooden raft,
And watched his mom and dad being swept away?
Were you there when your people’s cries were silenced by the waves?
Did you hear their breaking hearts begin to say:

Oh my God, why have you forsaken me?
I’ve never really asked for much,
But you’ve taken it all away!
I would follow you through the storm;
Through the darkest night –keep holding on;
But Lord I need to know –
Were you there?

you inspire me!

bye bye jac...

today we had a farewell lunch for one of my colleagues. she's been a really major part of the ministry for the past 7 years, so everyone had a lot to share about the memories they will treasure and about how they have enjoyed working with her. it was so heart-warming to listen to them share, and to see the evident love and friendship that they share.

not that i don't share it, but i guess i don't know her as well as the rest do. so when it came to only me left, i felt like i didn't know what exactly to say, except that she has inspired me - and many others like me. to chase after our dreams and passions, and to be true to yourself and to those around you. because she is that.

during the few talks we've had, i've seen how perceptive she is - of people, of their motives, of their desires and dreams. maybe i'm wrong, but i felt like she could really read me so well at times. heh heh...

i am excited for her that she's beginning a new phase of her life, and stepping into new territory holding her Daddy's hand. =) and i know she will continue to impact the lives of her students.

so here's my little tribute to jac (even though i highly doubt she will read my blog. haha =b)


thank you for giving to the Lord

for i am a life that you've changed

thank you for giving to the Lord

i am so glad you gave!

a day of discovery

maybe it's because i've had to really think about who i am over the past week, or grappled with being secure in Christ alone, that i feel that much more sensitive to all that is happening around me.

this morning, i just felt prompted to think about what factors are weighing on my decision as to whether or not to go full-time. and i realised, that for the most part of the past 2 months, one key factor that has been troubling me is that whether i can actively contribute and fit in to the place where i work.

i mean, people are really really encouraging. like, they always compliment me when i do a job well, or encourage me when i'm struggling. but somehow, for me, i still felt like it was more of them encouraging me than me actually contributing value. i got involved in this ministry because i felt the passion for evangelism to youth, and saw using music as a great means to do so. however, the past few months have flown by, without me improving musically or actually using music to share about God.

not that i don't see the value of a backstage role, or of admin stuff. i've been doing a lot of writing and organisation stuff. but i do desire a part of my job to involve music and to improve, and to use that as a tool to reach the lost.

so, i had a talk with my colleague last week to share all this. cos i felt like i really owe it to them. they've been nothing short of supportive, and yet they're only human - they can't read my mind. so i had to say how i was really feeling, and i think in future, i will be having more opportunity to grow in these areas. =)

it was really hard for me to talk to them, cos i'm really bad at asserting how i feel. like being true to myself in front of people... but thank God it went really well, i think.

so that's been kind of a stone lifted from my chest. even though there's no guarantee of having those opportunities, at least i feel glad that i've made my feelings known. i've been responsible for myself in that i don't want to allow these feelings of resentment or frustration to dominate me or distract me.

anyway, after all that soul searching and 'confrontation', i feel like the next month will be really different. not that i will get to do all that i want to do, but hopefully i'll get a taste of it, or be aware of the possibilities of it, so that it's not just a dream but a reality.

i know that God is calling me to share His love for a living. i won't say 'mission' cos that word's so loaded. but i do want a job that allows me to share His love at the forefront. He reminded me of how i came into stint in the first place.

the joy i felt at seeing those children run to the front to watch our concert.

the words of the song 'Forgiven' - THAT is the message i want to share with my life. that we are forgiven to live the life we have never had before - to give others hope!

i want to share with people PERSONALLY what God's love and forgiveness entails, through music - not to do it from behind a computer screen or closed doors. it suddenly (and i mean really suddenly) dawned on me this morning that i really only truly enjoy music in the context of evangelism (vs. worship). not that i don't enjoy worshipping God, but i've always felt that i want to use music to share what i feel, rather than just a message of words.

i don't quite know how to explain this, but it explains to me why i enjoy choir so much, why i love evangelistic musicals so much, why i am inspired by every concert we do. i am energised in a sense from the joy of knowing what the music and lyrics are speaking to the listeners' hearts - so much more than when i am playing for a church service.

it's amazing and liberating to finally realise that God has shaped me this way. i believe that if He wants me to serve here, He will provide the opportunities, correct my weaknesses, and build up my strengths. of course, along the way, there will be admin and writing, and i still enjoy that too! and marketing is always an interest for me.

but i guess the challenge for me now is to see if i can find that balance that i need, between the backstage and the onstage work, and if so, i will gladly sign the dotted line.

haha, btw simon, this is not a threat in an way for ya ok... i'm just saying how i feel. please dun feel pressured. =)

but seriously, i have realised that this is actually all that is holding me back. sure my parents are a whole other bridge to cross, and being able to deal with the misconceptions that people have of full-time and support raising are issues too. but these are just excuses for me to shirk the responsibility of thinking and deciding for myself what i should do. ultimately, it's just between God and me.

and it's ok to say that i desire a certain type of job. i no longer feel like it's 'wrong' for me to want that. sometimes people feel that they should do whatever needs to be done, because someone needs to do it. i felt that way, sometimes will probably still feel that way too. but it's wrong, because then we are operating out of fear of people or fear of losing the love of people, or even fear of God. not that we should not fear God, but service to Him should not be out of that kind of fear, but out of a reverent love for Him.

i have to be responsible for myself, but depending on God always. with Him by my side, and knowing that i am doing what He has placed upon my heart to do, i can rest secure.


Forgiven - no matter what we've done

Forgiven - and sheltered by his blood

And we're given the chance to go on living

We're given the life that we could never have before!

kyrie sweetie =)

hee hee... i couldn't resist creating another blog for the day when my colleague sent me these pix of his daughter. so sweet and cute right?? heh... all the babies are really cute.


doctor ng concentrating


cool babe!


wearing the hat joy and i gave her for Christmas! =)

misunderstood

i didn't have a very good night.

don't think i will share it here, but suffice to say i was quite upset by some stuff someone said. i feel like so many people don't really understand the concept of full-time and support-raising.

i know i don't always make the best decisions in how i spend my money, but i am trying very hard to adjust to stuff. still...

anyway, shall not think too much about it tonight. it's not very healthy...

hot hot HOT!!!

wow it's hot outside!

went for part of an apologetics seminar this morning. it was pretty good =) very interesting... but unfortunately had to leave earlier to meet a uni/jc friend. =)

was great to catch up with her. we had a yummy lunch at megumi's at east coast road, then proceeded to macs for orange fizz and to do more catching up =D heh heh...

it's so funny. she's one of my best non-Christian friends, yet sometimes i feel like she accepts and understands me more than many of my Christian friends. =) which is not to judge my Christian friends at all... just something i realised today, and thought was pretty cool. =)

we talked about where i'm going after my one year stint, and she actually told me to just go for it! she said she could see that i was enjoying my work, and that even though there are some issues here and there, that's common to every organisation - which is true... ... so anyway, i was realy encouraged by our conversation, and amazed that i can talk about such things like God's calling and support raising with her.

hmmm...

so anyway now i shall watch my rented dvds =) haha... i rented white oleander, my girl 2 and le divorce =)

how cool my house is =D bwahaha

a nice little break =)

had a really great time today. =D

oh, before that, i should mention that i had a good talk with some of my colleagues today, and i'm feeling a LOT better. think it was just some mis-communication plus me being moody that made me so wonky yesterday. =b thank You God!

had a relaxing time tonight. it's been ages since i've gone out totally for fun and with no agenda. haha... it felt good to not have to think about deadlines or people's problems etc for those 3 hours we spent at southbridge. the jap lady that was touted to be really good wasn't there, but the regular band was pretty good =) even though i do think the miking could be improved so the bass solo is more evident. haha

who was there?

soaps, melvyn, emily, evan, zing, richard, yi li and.... er... yi li's husband (oh no, his name has slipped my mind... ) hee hee... soaps, mel, em and i was earlier than the rest, so we had a round of drinks before they arrived. hee hee...

i had sth really interesting-sounding but not very yummy, called brown cow. a mix of kahlua and milk with a cherry. but unfortunately, all i could taste was the milk. haiz...

the second round with the late-comers were better. i had vanilla vodka with 7-up, with a lemon floating in it. quite nice, and smelt nice too! =) haha

in case you think i'm like an alcoholic, please don't get the wrong idea hor... i drink very seldom and very little (2 glasses max), so when i do get the chance to indulge a bit, i get very happy about it so must share with you my excitement (hence the vivid description) =b

heh heh *grin*

oh! and the company was great too! had a good time talking with the early birds =) em is really very sweet. hee hee... and soaps is just very fun to talk to cos she's got so much personality! heh heh... and mel is very sweet too, and thanks for walking me down to the cab.

which reminds me, i am now $35 poorer... =( well actually not bad, considering i had two drinks and the midnight surcharge to contend with =b haha...

fun is not cheap man... bah.

my newsletter is out!

introducing my newsletter archive!!! (see sidebar)

i'll be posting my newsletters here every one or two months. figured it would be a good use of the webspace i just 'won' in a competition. heh heh =b

as i'm pretty... er... technically challenged... i haven't quite figured out the best way to create and save my newsletters for online purposes, so this is a first attempt =b which means, for some of you, the print might be a tad hard to read. but please bear with me and enjoy reading it anyway.

i've had a lot of very cool and informative suggestions from some people (thanks harry!) about how to improve the way i create it. like changing image size and dpi and stuff liddat. which is really going to be useful for next month's newsletter, so watch out for it! =D

meanwhile, do note that this one might take a leetle long to download =b haha... but i hope that it will encourage you and bring a smile to your face as you read it.

***

looking forward to my first time at jazz@southbridge tonight. =) yay!!!

Lord, I need You

a friend just reminded me that all the frustration i am feeling might be a spiritual attack, especially at such a crucial time when i am deciding whether or not to go full-time. i really need to pray for God's protection and guidance...

was comforted by the words of psalms 23 from my new Bible that i bought today (for use in IBS)it really really expresses how i feel and has comforted me so greatly this evening.

(The Message Version)

GOD, my shepherd!

I don't need a thing.

You have bedded me down in lush meadows,

you find me quiet pools to drink from.

True to your word,

you let me catch my breath

and send me in the right direction.


Even when the way goes throu Death Valley,

I'm not afraid

when you walk at my side.

Your trusty shepherd's crook

makes me feel secure


You serve me a six-course dinner

right in front of my enemies.

You revive my drooping head;

my cup brims with blessing.


Your beauty and love chase after me

every day of my life.

I'm back home in the house of GOD

for the rest of my life.

***

Your Word is so precious, like sweet balm to the soul Lord. Thank You for restoring to me the joy of the Lord and help me to cling onto You in the days, weeks, months ahead.

happiness is a choice - right?

sigh... the morning was pretty good, but then it kind of went downhill. i got frustrated over the same little things at work again. really feel like God wants me to learn something from this, but i dunno what. i guess, maybe it's to be more patient and loving.

i really hate that i sometimes feel so resentful towards people. and i feel like it's justified sometimes, but i know it never is - because who am i to condemn?

and yet, as i'm learning from "Boundaries", it's perfectly biblical to set boundaries and to say 'no' to certain things/people and 'yes' to others - to have that freedom to choose. but it's quite a paradigm shift for me, cos i've always been pretty compliant and found it hard to say 'no'. so maybe this an in-between period of tension as i sort myself out? hmmm...

i know i am changing, because i've actually taken action on my feelings. i am 'owning' them, by not trying to find an excuse for them or repressing them, but admitting honestly how i feel, to myself and others. this is a really new thing for me.

God, please help me to love others as You have loved me, yet to know the freedom that i have to own my life and to set boundaries that are biblical and responsible.

my colleague shared this during team prayer: happiness is a choice. you can choose to be happy, or you can let your worries eat away at you like a worm. one thing he suggested was having a time slot during the day, where you 'allow' yourself to worry. so throughout the day, when you feel a tinge of worry begin to creep in, you can tell yourself that you have time to think about it later and push it from your mind till then. and after your 'slot' of worrying, you can take time to commit these worries to God - all at one shot! =) pretty cool huh?

i think i should try that...

=)

i'm feeling a lot happier today. dunno why yesterday so grumpy. sigh...

anyway, glad that i've had a productive morning sorting out 7Days paraphernalia and archiving them, and tidying my little set of drawers. yes, i now have my own set of drawers! =) mike helped me to set it up yesterday afternoon. so cute and dinky. heh heh

only thing marring my beautiful morning is the wireless network that keeps on acting up and disconnecting me. urgh... at least i HOPE it's the wireless and not my own computer =(

looking forward to going to mass media bookshop later to buy my new Bible. cos we have a lot of readings and observations to do as part of this week's homework for our IBS, so i'd rather buy my own Bible than do it online. we are supposed to use NASB cos it's more accurate apparently. hope i find a nice and cheap one later...

ok back to more archiving for now... come on wireless, be good...

the struggle within

i feel like the whole afternoon has been like one long struggle...

the morning was fine. we had STINT training, and today we spent the time starting on a Bible Studies package. (Observation, Interpretation, Application) it was really interesting for me. i mean, i've done inductive Bible study before, but this particular session was really fun and insightful, as to how to observe =) so i really liked the three hours we spent on Observation today. although we have a ton of 'homework' and reading materials to prepare for the session next week.

but somehow in the afternoon, i just felt so frustrated with EVERYTHING. i'm really not sure why... can't quite put my finger on it. i know part of it is work frustrations coming into play, and part of it is not being able to find a receipt for $200 that i need to claim... a big part of it is feeling kind of loose-ended (that's the only word i can think of to describe my feelings) about life in general.

oh, and at lunch, some of the STINTers were talking about who has decided to go on full-time, and who is leaving the ministry after the one year of stint, and i was like sitting there feeling way pressured and like, Hey, I have to make up my mind soon too!!! urghhh...

oh man...

anyway i'm glad that cell is cancelled tonight. cos i dun think i could concentrate much on the time if i went. looking forward to a nice dinner with my cell mates, and time to think about stuff on the bus ride home...

concussed

oh man... tonight was a LOOOOONG night...

here's the stuff i accomplished =) feeling quite happy with myself. thank You God!

1. sent music files to potential TURTers

2. realised that half of them cannot receive cos windows not compatible with mac??? or some kind of firewall

3. decided to email them song by song

4. oh man... that took ages... *yawn*

5. finished me newsletter

6. saved it in all its various formats (psd, pdf, jpeg)

7. attempted to send to HQ for printing

8. sigh, failed attempt

9. used brother's thumbdrive to transfer the newsletter file from my pc to laptop

10. using laptop top send to HQ now.


oh man...

systemizing my life

is there such a word? =b haha

anyway today we wrapped up our week of training with a session on time and project management.

you know, i always thought i was a pretty organised person. cos i love making lists and checking them and having my desk stacked nicely... but today i realised that i'm actually a REALLY disorganised gal!

i'm so inspired by our trainer's suggestions of how to systemize not ust our desks, but our lives, so that we free our mind from having to remember so much stuff! =) really excited about implementing the stuff...

i was so blessed and encouraged by him. his warmth and sincerity and love for God will definitely stay with me, and the memories of the past week will be here for a long long time...

your love makes me sing!

ok, for those of you who are still upset with God about the recent tsunami disaster, maybe you'd better not read this. this is not meant to be a condemnation of your feelings or to belittle the empathic pain you feel. it's also not meant to make light of the whole issue, which is still so saddening and distressing.

but - a glimmer of hope!

i've been kind of thinking of why God would allow something like that to happen. and i've been telling myself and others that it's really just out of our league - that only God knows, and that we have to choose that He knew what He was doing and that He can make it work for good. But amidst all that, it was still very much a conscious choice to trust God despite human understanding of the situation - it was hard to be convicted that what happened is 'for good'.

but tonight, i met up with two of my supporters. and what they shared really amazed me.

ok, most of you might think i'm dumb for not realizing this sooner... but i should warn you i'm HOPELESS when it comes to general knowledge and world events. seriously. it's something i'm working on - to read more newspapers and stuff on world issues...

anyway, i did not know that aceh is a religious military base.

http://www.fas.org/irp/world/para/aceh.htm

check it out if you're as clueless as i was. =b

so... what can i say in response to this?

WOW.

wow, God. You saw that your people were suffering. you knew that it was near impossible for mission teams to get in to share Your love with them. you saw their desperate need for You, and for Someone they could turn to.

then, the tsunami happened.

now Christian groups are being welcomed into aceh. they bring with them food, clothing, sanitation, infrastructure, skills. but more than that - they are bringing in the Good News that there is a God that loved them so much that He sent His only begotten Son to die for them, and who has chosen them from their birth to start a love relationship with Him. and who has worked all things for THAT good.

Wow, God WoW!


Your love is amazing

steady abd unchanging

Your love is a mountain

firm beneath my feet

Your love is a mystery

how You gently lift me

when I am surrounded

Your love carries me


Your love is surprising

I can feel it rising

all this joy that's growing

deep inside of me

every time i see You

all Your goodness shines through

I can feel this God-song

rising up in me


Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Your love makes me sing!

times of change

i have a whole Sunday afternoon free. absolutely 100% completely free! hmmm...

it feels really weird. i can honestly say this is my first Sunday of freedom in years! no plans, no deadlines, no meetings, no projects.

what led up to this? well... lots of things.

probably what started me thinking about this was the frustrations and stress i felt in ministry and in church for most of the past 2 years. i felt overworked, under-appreciated, used even. sometimes i even felt like just throwing the towel and leaving for another church.

thank God for faithful friends and mentors He brought along the way. if not for people like harry, elaine, jamie, jane, xinling and kuanmei, i would have caved and become a mental basketcase. haha... ok maybe not that drastic. but seriously, it's friends like these that have encouraged me and sustained me through difficult times.

i would like to say that God sustained me through those time. and He did - most definitely. but somehow it wasn't enough for me. i felt it was lke a vicious cycle of trusting God, having things go wrong, panicking, stressing, remembering that I should rest in God, feeling guilty, taking on more things... etc etc.

for quite some time, i wrestled with the thought of: why am i feeling this way? what's the matter with me? why can't i trust God? why can't i be joyful in ministry? isn't that what it's all about?

along the way, i discovered many wrong attitudes i was holding on to, and ways in which i was depending on myself, or seeing man's approval. i saw that i found it hard to say "No" to people. i thank God for revealing each and every of these weaknesses to me, and for helping me to change.

i learnt to trust Him more, to be less uptight now and then, to see things from different perspectives, to understand my leaders better. throughout this long process, i have understood who i am and who God is better.

yet, at the same time, i became aware that, from the time i was 13 until now, i have never actually prayed about my ministry. sure, i have prayed FOR the ministry, for the people in the ministry, for the work of the ministry - but i have never really prayed ABOUT which ministry God really wants me to serve in.

you know how people (and the Bible too) always say how we should use our talents for God to glorify Him, or He may take it away from us? well, for me, i've always chosen to be involved in things where i'm 'talented'. like worship, caroling, choir, musician training...

i started learning the piano in secondary one. and it dawned on people, and me, that i kind of had a knack for it. i picked up the basics quickly, i learned to predict chords, i improved in my playing. so i was placed in worship teams in sunday school, i was asked to help with musician training, then later i was challenged to play for the adult second service.

i unquestioningly went.

but is it where God wants me to be?

lately i have discovered, as i reflect on my two years in choir, that i love youth. i love seeing them light up with excitement, the transparency of teenage crushes and disappointments, the simple joys of holidays, the feelings so clearly shown on their faces.

in fact, i began to feel that my role in choir was more as a mentor to these youth than a 'music teacher'. i found it frustrating to have to aim for high standards and performances when all i wanted to do was encourage them to dare to dream and to see if music was part of that dream.

so the doubts began to creep in. that maybe, all these years, i have been barking up the wrong tree. maybe i have trusted people too much. not that they were not worthy to be trusted. but in just following their suggestions or challenges, i have not taken the responsibility that needs to be taken over my life. i have handed that responsibility over to them.

so it's time to take charge of my life once more. to really find out what i love, what i enjoy, and how that fits into God's plan for me. not just in ministry, but in work too, and in my relationships. to know who Dorothea really is - not just comply to the image of Dorothea that has been created by my family, my cousins, my friends, my mentors.

i still love music, and i want it to be a part of my life. but in what way - that's for God to show and for me to seek.

join me on the journey. and maybe it's time to ask yourself too: Who are you really?

inspired to dream.

just came back from dinner with my cell mates. it was great to see them, and we had a really good time of sharing. =)

i think the recent tsunami-quake affected each one of us in different ways, yet all of us have struggled through the related issues, such as predestination, God's sovereignity, and why there is suffering. but, i guess all of our answers are pretty inadequate - especially for a non-Christian.

personally, i came to the conclusion that, yes, we can try to rationalise why God would allow something like that to happen, be it man's sin or the inherent sin in the world, or God's desire that man should turn to Him... but ultimately, it still boils down to pure and simple faith in a God that somehow works all things for good. and who is weeping with us as so many lives were washed away.

as we spent time talking, i also shared about this book called "Boundaries" that i'm reading. it really is impacting my life so so much! i feel like my eyes have been opened to a whole new realm of possibilities and responsibilities. go read it! or you can borrow from me if you want. =)

also shared about my recently-formed conviction that i need a personal mission, vision and value system for my life. i've come to realise the importance of concrete objectives, for purposeful living, and to help is setting my boundaries. so i challenged my cell mates to take time to write their own vision statement - as will i - and we can be praying for one another.

i'm really excited about getting to work on my personal vision statement! =) heh heh

another thing i've recently been convicted of is to invest more time and effort in my cell group. sometimes i feel like i don't really get anything out of it, other times i know that God is using our sharing to inspire and grow each one of us... so, this year, with the break from ministry that i have requested, i have decided to really spend time to get to know them more intimately, and to come regularly for cell.

i'm so glad and amazed at how God brought us together in such unique ways, and how He has carried us through the first year. =) here's to many more memories forged together!

planning is hard work

today i realised that planning is really hard work.

yeah, it is.

*tired*

oh well, at least we've had a fruitful day, finalising the working draft of our mission, vision and values, defining those values, and setting some concrete action steps to take in the year ahead. =)

one of these steps is to put together a new volunteer band, with an all-new program and members and formats. i'm really excited about that! =)

=D

Finding myself

i got back today from a 4D3N retreat. first thing i did was plonk down on my comfy bed and disppear into dreamland =b haha... but i'm up now...

it was a great time. i feel like it's been a really intensive few days of getting to know myself a lot better and getting to know the people i work with every day. in the middle of the retreat, my colleague had to leave to welcome his new baby boy into the world! i'm sure it was all quite exciting for him! anyway, his baby is really really adorable... =D aw... so cutie...

heh heh

we spent a lot of time engaged in various team-building games. it was really cool. i wouldn't have thought you could learn anything of importance or lasting value through a game, but surprise, surprise! every single game has taught me so much about myself, how i work, how my team mates work. as the trainer put it - we reveal so much of ourselves of ourselves in games.

i've realised that i'm really a follower. i mean, i've always known that i'm not exactly the leader-kind of person, but i've seen how i'm kind of a chameleon. like, when things are going ok, and it doesn't depend on me to make a crucial decision, i choose to fade into the background and be more reserved. like, i wouldn't suggest something that would 'rock the boat'. but when the situation calls for it - like when we had a puzzle that we were struggling to solve, i would be more upfront about offering suggestions.

i was quite upset with myself at first when i discovered that. like, why am i so afraid to rock the boat? why do i fear opening my mouth to voice my opinion, even when it's not a controversial one? why do i choose silence?

well... i spent some time thinking about it. at the same time, i was reading this book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. although the book has little direct relation to particular issue, it did encourage me to think about my past. and i realised that all my insecurity and fears can be traced back to an event that happened a long time ago... in primary six.

i won't say it 'scarred' me for life - it's not that bad. but it defintely had haunted me down the years without me realising it. and i'm glad that i have God to help me overcome it. i'm happy that the environment i am in now is so nurturing and encouraging (thanks to my wonderful colleagues!) and that really helps me to deal with it.

i thank God for helping me to see myself in a clearer light, and i trust that he will help me deal with the remnants of that long-ago incident. it really makes all the difference - remembering that I am so loved and precious to Him. that i have worth as an individual.

looking forward to discovering more about myself and the rest of the team in the days ahead. please pray for us! =)

thank you

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong
They are weak, but he is strong

yes, Jesus loves me
yes, jesus loves me
yes, jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so!

after the guests have gone...

phew... the house is finally clean and tidy =) hee hee...

it was great having everyone over. my first time playing host though... so most of the evening is a blur to me now =b haha... but still had fun, esp wif the early birds, grace, ivin and joy. haha... =)

we had WAY too much food, but i'm not complaining =b yum yum. my fridge is now chockful of yumsome leftovers. heh hehh heh... looking forward to brunch tomorrow man...

anyways... gonna slack around now. tomorrow i have a work retreat. but i'm too lazy to pack tonight... i'll pack in the morning =b haha

turt reunion

yay!!!

today the turters are coming to my place =)

it's a rather dismal day weather-wise, unfortunately, so we had to cancel our bbq... =( but thank God for the comforts of home! so they're coming voer to my place... should be arriving soon. =)

it's been a mad rush of an afternoon.

lunch. hurry to cold storage (got a lift from a friend). buy stuff. cannot decide what stuff to buy... finally buy stuff. strawberries, peaches, cheerry tomatoes, strawberry champagne =b. call dad to pick me up cos heavy heavy rain. get home. dash around the house tidying up stuff that should have been tidied weeks ago... tell my parents about change of plans. throw the trash. *breathe*

hee hee

i'm quite excited about seeing everyone again. although i've seen most of them now and then, it's different when everyone's together =).

on a more serious note, here's something we sang in church today that really encouraged and comforted me. it's called "Still"


hide me now under Your wing

cover me within Your mighty hand

when the oceans rise and thunders roar

i will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will BE STILL, know You are God


find rest, my soul, in Christ alone

know His power in quietness and trust

when the oceans rise and thunders roar

i will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King above the flood

I will BE STILL, know You are God.

cinema cinema cinema

hee hee... i've watched, like, four movies in the last 12 hours. =) haha...

i think it was probably not a good thing that i discovered the joys of my laptop's dvd player =b heh heh... but i'm not complaining... yet.

here's what i watched

5pm, 31 dec 2004: the bourne supremacy

i had to stop halfway cos my laptop ran out of batt =( but i was at my grandma's house, and my aunt announced that she just bought a whole stack of vcds. =) so we watched The Incredibles!!!

so... 8pm, 31 dec 2004 (after dinner): The Incredibles!!!

so funny! i just love jack jack and dash. and the whole family scenario is just so familiar... haha, the squabbles, little tensions, love, etc... i think it's a very 'real' cartoon in that sense.

then... went for watchnight service...

1am, 1 jan 2004 (back home): finished watching the bourne supremacy. i really like the acting, but the plot's a bit fuzzy to me. esp the ending... like a bit abrupt. but the action was cool =)

then 2am: two weeks' notice

that was great. i just love sandra bullock shows. =) she's my favourite actress i think, followed closely or tied wif meg ryan of you've got mail fame. and i just love her character for the way she doesn't bow to society's expectations or change the way she is to fit into her environment. =) and i love happy endings...

then i went to zzz...woke up 8 hours later...

1pm: pay check

wow. i didn't expect to like a ben affleck show, but i didn't see any other interesting titles at video ez. but it sure was a surprise! i really really liked the show a lot! everything - from the plot, to the actors, to the sequencing of scenes... i think the way the movie was directed, with all those flashbacks and fast-forwards, was really good, makes me wish i had some video background...

and i really liked the underlying message that there's no point in seeing the future, because that ultimately means there IS no future. because when everything is known, everything is predictable - life is meaningless. sure, you can try to change the future. and that means there's no room to grow, to innovate, for people to change, because, knowing what you will become or what will happen can be a self-fulfilling prophecy and support wrong motives and actions. like knowing about impending wars being used to justify the launching of the first missile.

maybe i'm not making sense... but anyway... i was really impacted by that message. cos we always ask that God will reveal His will to us, and want to know the future. so many little details... but maybe why he doens't tell us, or reveals it to us bit by bit is so that we can have the chance to really live this life -meaningfully.

yup. so in order of most liked to least liked (i didn't hate any of them):

*drumroll*

1. paycheck

2. the incredibles

3. two weeks' notice

4. the bourne supremacy