happy belated birthday to me =)

hee hee

k, my brother very kindly helped me to take these pics =) yay! so here are some of my most special gifts! top three:

1. cutesy cookies!



mel bought these for me from australia! at first i was kinda surprised... cos i didn't expect cookies =b hee... but oh man... they are so pretty! these pictures dun do them justice.

anyway one is a fishie and one is a butterfly... aw...

they are just so pretty i can't bear to eat! but eat them i will... hee hee hee... after admiring them and taking pretty pix and showing them around. =)

well as i mentioned, i was kinda surprised it was cookies. cos i mean... i dunno what guys normally give their gfs, but i thought normally accessories or bag or stuff liddat.

but then i realised that he spent so much time and effort to get me that. not to 'get' it for me, but 'deciding' to get it for me. he could easily have gotten any pretty trinket for me, and it would have been nice too! but he also knew that all my friends know i'm the kinda girl who likes all these trinkets anyway... so he wanted to give me something no one else would think of giving, and that i would like too! (i like all pretty things...)


haha =D

and he took to much effort to bring it home safely! it's really quite fragile, especially the butterfly. so he bundled them in layers of clothes, and he wrapped them very carefully when he got back home. (aw...) hee...

anyways, in case u were wondering, he oso gave me these two cool books (bunny suicides 1 & 2) that i mentioned i liked when we were shopping one day. hee... really comic relief =D read one on the bus today... heh heh heh

but my favourit-est is still the COOKIES! =)

2. love gift from my cell group

i was so touched that they all shared to give me a one-time gift towards my upcoming mission trips! i've been sharing about these trips, but didn't really think they would give or give much, because many of them are also raising for their own trips. but i thank God for blessing and providing for me thru them!

=)

3. gifts from my mentees! =) jaime and eeleen. sweetie girls... they gave me a really funky pink clutch-shape kinda bag, butterfly earrings and a keychain. and a gorgeous card! hee hee

really touched me cos of the effort that went into getting all these things amidst their very busy and tiring TURT schedule. *sob sob*



* * *


ok, this does not mean that i dun love my other gifts! i love ALL of them. the heart that went into getting them or writing a card really touches me and reminds me of how blessed i am, and how loved! =) thank u EVERYONE! *hugz* hee...

last but not least, the biggest surprise was when grace and joel burst in on us at the hair dressser's (brought the girls for hair makeovers for the performance)with a HUGE purple birthday balloon (i never had one before!!!) with silver bells at the bottom of it, and a sweet little box of truffles and sang me "Happy Birthday"! hee... that was really a surprise - my first ever! =) haha...



thank You God for all my loved ones. birthdays are special because of these...

woah!

it's been a tiring few days getting the band ready for their checkout... which is TOMORROW! heh heh heh...

it's been really tiring for the students as well, as they've had to go through long rehearsals and memorise lots of lyrics and band charts and scripts. i'm so proud of them!!! =D

hee hee

oh! and i had an amazing bday yesterday! the TURTers were so sweet... we had a pizza lunch and the FR staff got me a cutesy cake and a MANGO VOUCHER. muahaha!!!

i oso got a lot of really cool gifts from the students. oh man... i feel so so blessed by all their gifts! hee!

the day ended with a nice dinner with mel. =) hee hee... more on that in a later post, when i've got the pix to enhance my story! ooh... but his gift was so special =) hee... lalala

k i shall stop gushing...

tomorrow is CHECKOUT day! please pray for the students to be prepared mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally! they're gonna look SOOOO cool with their new hair dos and funky clothes and make-up! heh heh

the flame flickers on...

(see previous post)

yesterday was pretty emotional. i realised a lot of things about myself, still struggling with dealing with it, but also glad and amazed at how God is using people and events to teach me things.

too many details to share fully... but one major thing i am learning is that i do not get to choose who to love. (love in the brotherly agape way, that is)

i felt kind of alone in my struggle for a while, because i felt that no one really knows how hard it is for me to love certain people. i struggled with thoughts of 'why am i so unloving?' and 'am i truly God's child?' especially after sunday's message on 1 John 5:19-21

"we love Him because he first loved us.

if someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he ahs not seen?

and this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also."


* * *

those verses really cut deep, because they are the core of what i'm struggling with. i want to love, and yet i find it so hard to love, and that just makes me wonder: what's wrong with me? how come other people aren't facing the same problem? how come i can't surrender these feelings to God? is there some internal sin that is preventing me from being able to allow God to love through me? why does God seem so far away at a time like this?!?!

"the heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy." proverbs 14:10

well... i haven't answered all those questions yet. but in the midst of struggle, i am encouraged by people that try to understand me, and i am reminded often of how great God's love for me truly is.

a love that knows no limits. a love that endures even though i am so so unworthy of it. even though i find it so hard to offer that same love.

i see the grace of God even more. i see how very gracious our Father is to love me - to love us all! - at such a cost. when the love that we offer is so puny in comparison.

going back to the flame analogy, i do feel like my flame is flickering. but maybe it's not that my flame is dying. maybe it is simply God fanning my flame to greater heights!

right now it feels really shaky and overwhelming and unstable... as God blows gently on my flame to (ok i can't think of a less scientific term now...) give it more oxygen. and he knows just what amount to blow to fan the flame bigger, not put it out!

"a bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench." isaiah 42:3

nobody said growth would be easy. few can change overnight. God reminded me of that, as He gently encouraged me through different people.

He reminded me that i am not condemned. that when God looks at me, He still sees the 'perfect' me. He loves and accepts me just the way i am. (of course that is no excuse for not trying to change, to be obedient to His call and commands) He really and truly KNOWS me.

* * *

This is my desire
To honor You
Lord with all my heart
I worship You
All I have within me
I give You praise
All that I adore is in You

Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your way in me


have Your way in me

candle in the wind

yesterday was the Gen12ii commissioning. the night was quite emotionally charged, as we had time to remember and mourn, as well as rejoice, over the life and death of our fellow staff worker christopher.

even though i didn't know him that well, the tears still came to my eyes as we watched a video of his struggles and the times he enjoyed with family and his really sweet girlfriend. like many others around me, i was so inspired by his testimony, that lives on even though he is no longer on this earth. and, as his girlfriend reminded us through the video, chris lives on - in heaven! and one day we will all meet again.

blessed hope, indeed. =)

to close the evening, we had a little candle-lighting ceremony to signify the passing on of the baton from those who have returned from trips to those who are going for trips in the next 2 months.

as i held my flickering candle, i was actually struggling within me. i feel like for the past few weeks, everything has been just so busy, and my mind so filled with details, that i dared not steal a breath, in case everything toppled on top of me!

and i really feel like i'm like that flickering candle... like my flame is faltering and going to die out... too many things and thoughts and feelings!

hmmm... a bit too emotional now... and need to collect my thoughts. will continue tomorrow...

nice lazy day

yesterday night was the women's retreat. it was great!

delicious food.

some tantalizing tung hoon thai salad appetizer. jaime's shepherd pie. sharon's chilli con carne hot dogs. joy's honey-bbq chicken wings. sophie's chocolate mouse and tiramisu. ice cream. sara's brownie cheese cake.

stuffed like a pork barrel i am. =b

all dressed up in our pjs! teddy bears, duckies, flying piggies, stars and flowers ruled the night!

exciting sharing. touching. tears of joy, of remembrance, of thanksgiving. funny anecdotes. i feel like i have learned so much just from hearing these women share from their hearts. i feel so blessed to be a woman! (cliche or weird as that may sound) haha... it's good to be female...

13 going on 30. =) really sweet chick flick! just my kinda show. (i know many of my more intellectual friends would disagree wif me =b) cool dresses!

got a wonderful pedicure courtesy of sharon while watching =)

SLEEP......

woke up. guys came back from THEIR retreat, under the stars at labrador park (haha). secretly rejoice again that i'm a gurl...

swimming with joy at mike's place. haha. actually she swam. i did qt and chatted with mike. hee. the water felt nice. i think i somehow got a tan! haha! the sun was scorching man...

lunch at harbourfront with joy. shopped around. it's been ages since i shopped for ME! yay... i got a brown top with pale pink trimmings. my first brown top EVER. *shopping milestone* heh heh...

came back to office. ZZZZed...

woke up about an hour ago.

pot luck tonight! the thais are cooking for us, so we just have to bring some stuff. it's reunion for the 2004 TURTers! looking forward to a fun night and catching up with them. no matter how incredible this year's TURT is, last year's TURT will always be special to me. an amazing experience!

this year, God's gonna do something amazing again! but it will feel different. it already does. heh, esp when i'm a 'staff'. waiting in anticipation... =)

wow it's been a while...

i haven't blogged for AGES AND AGES!!!

man...

yeah, been really really busy with TURT! hardly time to breathe... all my free time is precious precious now... hee hee...

well, thank God for the past 2 weeks. as i've spent time with the students, i'm so encouraged to see their enthusiasm and zeal for God and for their music. this year's musicians have a very tangible passion for their craft, and any free time they have is spent jamming together... oh, that makes me feel so old... =b haha

wardrobe shopping has been very tiring for me. cos i have to shop for everyone but MYSELF. hah! hee... but still quite fun sometimes. sometimes...

i feel excited for them as i see their wardrobe taking shape, and visualise the band onstage! hee!!! can't wait to see them all dressed and dolled up! next week, i am bringing them to cut hair, and a few will be asked to highlight or dye too. =) fun...

pray for no disasters =b

everything has been so "go go GO!!!" that i haven't really had time for myself to just sit and be still with God or just by myself... i think i'll try to take time out next week to have a personal retreat/day to myself. so that i don't go into this trip all flustered and stressed with the massive amount of duties etc... but have time for heart and soul preparation as well, for the ground we are entering.

please pray for us!!!

oh, and my birthday is next week =)

and melvyn is coming back on the 24th! =D sooner than expected. yay...

it has begun...

alpha camp ended yesterday - the journey has begun!

it was great to see the students having fun with each other. we had various team building games too, which really showed off our strengths and weaknesses. it was a pretty humbling time for many of us as we saw ourselves in the new light. the DISC session after that helped us in that area too... and i was amazed to find that my 'profile' has changed quite drastically!

last year, during TURT, i did the full test for the first time, and i was a S-C-I-D. (S = Stable, C = Cautious, I = Influencer, D = Dominant) this was true of my behavior whether or not i was stressed or not. however this year... haha, MAJOR change!

i am now I-S-C-D in my stressed state! my natural state is C-S-I-D - so not much change there... i was really surprised, cos my 'I' went from being really low (rock-bottom!) to being my highest point on my 'stress' graph! haha...

simon surmised that this might be due to my being in forerunner, whose members are mostly high 'I's and 'D's. i guess that would probably be somewhat true =b like i guess i have adapted somewhat to the way they talk and have meetings and discussions and stuff... and along the way i have developed my 'I' side a bit. heh...

hmmm...

anyways... training started proper today, here at GCTC, and in about 5 minutes, we're gonna have our FIRST rehearsal!! =D looking forward to that, and seeing the band in action. =)

hmmm...

it feels kinda sad though... cos yesterday mel flew off to australia for a two-week business trip. sigh... i know it's only two weeks, but it still feels kinda sad... oh well... i think it's also a good opportunity for us to experience this 'independance' in a sense, and to not need each other to be around all the time... and i hope he has a super time! =)

k gtg now...

i miss the good old days of ample blogging time =b ha...

5 statements for the next 3 days

1. thank you ALL for your encouragement and support =) i know that this is all part of God's growing and teaching me to be more Christ-centered and dependant on Him

2. today is the busiest day of my life!!!

3. i am off to alpha camp - the start of TURT 2005!

4. the next few days will not be online.

5. thank God for giving me inspiration and (hopefully) wisdom in finishing the Band 1 Program last night!

somewhat refreshed =)

feelin' a lot better today. =) yesterday i just felt so emotionally overwrought that i burst into tears during team prayer... =( sigh... not a very 'grown-up' thing to do i guess, but it was a good release of pent-up emotions, and everyone was very sweet and encouraging...

i guess... i don't really know why i feel so overwhelmed emotionally. it's not really that i have a lot of stuff to do - i mean, i am definitely busy, but i don't think that's the whole reason why. and it's not that i've had any major arguments with close friends or mel... and family is ok too...

there was some little debate over band program in the morning. i guess that probably triggered off my 'reaction', cos i felt so out of my depth when various new ideas and changes were being thrown about. too many feelings rushing through me...

indignance that they were bringing up new ideas so last minute.

unappreciation for my efforts in doing my part according to the deadlines.

frustration that i had thought the program was already all approved and cut-and-dried and no more changes, and then now got to change AGAIN...

fear that i would have to do a lot mroe work of new song chord charts. and explain to the students why we are changing some songs.

frustration with myself - that i didn't have the heart of wanting to give God the best. i realised i jsut wanted the program to be SET - in stone - so that i didn't have to have it hanging in a cloud over my head. and yet many of the suggestions being brought up made sense, so i should consider them right?

finally, fear that maybe i'm not meant for ministry. i mean, maybe i'm just not able to cope with all these fluid plans and open debates. maybe i need more structure, more certainty, more stability. but then ministry isn't like that i guess...

how???

i just felt so emotionally drained. and i'm still not sure why it hit so hard so suddenly... but anyway it was good to reflect on why i feel that way and to thank God that this is an opportunity for me to seek HIm even more.

to be assured and certain of my calling.

to grow in maturity in handling emotional and mental stress.

to depend on Him more.

to remember that it's ALWAYS His show, never mine.

to recognise that i'm not here to 'live up to expectations' or prove myself as efficient or pull off the best concert, but simply to serve Him and His people.

to be comforted that however self-focused i have become or how myopic i can be, God is always ready and willing to forgive and to lead me onwards, without looking back.

so yes, reflection time was good. =) but it will take some time for me to get back to 'normal' i guess... like be my usual bubbly person. i mean, on and off i will be, but i think i don't need to be that person all the time. as mike says, there's no need to 'keep up appearances' - just be honest with people and with myself, and always with God.

hard times, but God's still in control

frustration. disappointment. humiliation. fear.

hard times. no time to think. no time to relax.

i feel overwhelmed - as usual. small, insignificant. not very smart. not very humble.

selfish and tired and myopic sometimes? but i try not to be...

well...

i guess this is what Paul means:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
- James 1:2-4

lil miss chatterbox

ok this will be a post with missing punctuation and probably a fair amount of spelling errors cos i ahve no time to cehck. my darn wireless at home is down as in not the... i mean the internet can't be surfed. like i can go msn and icq and check my email via mac-mail but i cannot surf the net hence cannot blog and a whole lootta other stuff i wanna do. bother bother... well but thank God for getting me thru a tiring and meeting filled and too many things to do kinda day. it was good to see sam too and i'm really really really excited about turt now. oike super majorly excited. but my ulcer is still pain which doesn't help relieve my stress =b haha but thank God it is loads betetr after i put the salt on it last week (thanks mike) and it's getting better lah. and im so thankful for how i had a wodnerful glorious fun weekend wif mel and watching engie's play and exercising and talking to my cell mates etc etc and the only not so good thing is the darnn itnernet connection at home that spoilt my nights somewhat, but then loads of people in africa probably never heard of internet before so how come i;'m c omplaining? tsktsk something wrong with me. gal must wake up and appreciate everything you have and count your blessings. haha... =) ok i have finished my verbal abuse of this space. i shall now go home and have a nice relaxing dinner now that i've accompliushed my tasks for the day *phew* thanks God for seeing me through, for holding my hand.